Jealousy is a witch

When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.

By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.

I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A pregnancy announcement. Due July 20^th. 16 days after our third little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.

Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much. I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very sad.

It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for feeling that way let alone admitting to it.

I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.

Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more irritable.

I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be able to get back to where I used to be.

Control- I need you!

I’ve never been someone who likes control. Instead I’ve always been very passive and indecisive. Well, until we experienced repeat pregnancy loss.

Since our second loss, I’ve noticed that when it comes to getting pregnant I try to find control in strange places.

• During the two week wait I would obsess over every symptom and keep track of them all in three different TTC apps.
• At 9dpo, I would start testing, sometimes multiple times a day. I would squint my eyes and take pictures of every test hoping that I would see something on the darn test.
• When I found out I was pregnant, I would obsessively test to watch progression. I would again take millions of pictures to compare what they looked like against the test from the day before.

None of this gave me what I needed and just made me crazy, but it gave me a false sense of control.

Now that E and I are stuck and are literally trying to prevent getting pregnant (which is a very confusing experience since we want a baby so badly), I again find that I’m lacking control in my life.

• I have no control over when we’ll be able to do testing because I have to wait for my HCG levels to go down.
• I have no control over when the MRI will be done because it will be dependent on when I can get scheduled.
• I have no control over when I will have my first appointment with a fertility specialist because it will be dependent on their schedule.
• I have no control over when I’ll be able to have the surgery on my uterine septum.
• While I have an idea of when we might be able to try to conceive again (maybe 5-6 months) I don’t really have any control over that either because there are so many factors in play.

So I’ve decided to try to focus my need for control in a different area of my life, one that I actually can control. My health. The last year has been traumatic and difficult. I still haven’t found a good coping mechanism for all of the pain and heartache. Instead I’ve spent twelve months comforting myself by baking and eating…not a good combination. I’ve gained weight over the past year and I’m not happy with where I am. Blaming my weight gain on our emotional turmoil is just an excuse, but it’s also the truth.

And now I’m ready to change.

I was doing well with getting healthier and losing weight in January but then I found out I was pregnant again. I don’t want to comfort myself this time with food. I want to comfort myself with a good stress outlet (working out) and fuel my body in preparation for another pregnancy in 6 months.

But I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I will NOT go to the gym because I don’t like others watching and judging me. I will be working out at home but need someone to help me stay accountable. I’m looking at you!

I’m starting a challenge group on March 30^th to not only lose weight but to get healthy and I want YOU to join me! I did so well in my last challenge group (8 pounds and 18 inches) that I want to do it again and go EVEN FARTHER.

If you’re interested in getting healthy, no matter what the reason, let me know! Let’s do this together and meet our goals!

Send an email to: boikcm@gmail.com
Subject: GET HEALTHY!

Part three...all done

At three, the ER nurse had registration come down to get me all checked in for the outpatient procedure which was very helpful. Once that was done she wheeled me up to the waiting room, again avoiding most people in the hospital. I was so thankful because I looked like a MESS.

We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.

My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.

Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.

Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.

I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.

When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.

Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.

We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.

I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.

Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.

Part two

I went to sleep Thursday night around 8:30 and was awake by 10:30. I was feeling awful. I felt gassy and there was a lot of movement in my stomach. I felt nauseous and terrible. TMI ALERT!!

It's been a whirlwind, part one

The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!

Part one: No heartbeat.

We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.

I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.

E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.

When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.

We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.

When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.

We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:

• She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
• We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
• She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
• She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
• At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She  mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.

So, surgery is scheduled for Friday evening, nothing to eat or drink after 9 am and then things would be done.

E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.

The basics

The basics for now.

• Sadly the baby wasn't meant to stay with us and only measured 7w3d (2 days of growth) with no heartbeat.
• I am getting a D&C tomorrow evening and thankfully Dr. M will be performing the surgery
  

• We are absolutely crushed and don't understand why this is happening to us over and over again.
• A fertility specialist is next.

More later.

It's time!

I fully expect to be told that there's no heartbeat. I just know that's what will happen and it TERRIFIES me. Every other miscarriage was natural. The first was a complete shock and surprise. The others we tried to stay positive but they also took us by surprise.

I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...