23 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Pregnancy After Loss
A friend sent this blog post to me tonight. Perfection. I can't identify with all of them because I haven't reached all of the milestones, but there were so many that hit close to home. A couple of my favorites:
" 2. The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to
indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two
lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually
stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was
pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was
pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the
door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to
do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” "
" 3. You might consistently check for blood on your panties. It might sound
strange, but having to go pee is a terrifying experience. Every time you
pull down your pants you mentally prepare yourself to see spots of
blood in your panties. There is no way around this. It just is. "
" 5. Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but
this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t
mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other
child. It just does not work that way. Don’t let others expectations
impact how you feel about your pregnancy and the child that died. It’s
okay to not be okay. Actually, it’s probably normal. "
" 9. Anxiety around doctor’s appointments happens. Going to the doctor can be
reassuring but it can also be scary because the doctor is often time
the one who delivers bad news. It’s normal to get anxious about
appointments, even women who have not experienced a loss, experience
anxiety during appointments during pregnancy. "
" 15. Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to
create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your
past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what
happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from
getting hurt again. However, whenever I noticed myself doing this I
always told myself, “It’s going to hurt no matter what. It won’t hurt
any less if I’m not connected to this baby, actually it might hurt more
because I didn’t take the time to enjoy baby while they were here.” "
"17. You might experience PTSD. If your loss happened during pregnancy then
going through another pregnancy can be traumatic. For me it was like
reliving my trauma every minute of every day. I could not escape it and
the closer I got to the delivery day the more my anxiety and triggers of
my past trauma intensified. What helped me was working with a therapist
and practicing loving kindness and compassion towards myself. "
Couldn't have said it better myself. I try, but nowadays whenever I'm pregnant, my anxiety is through the roof.
April 15, 2015
1 Year Angelversary
Today marks one year since we lost our first little angel. The first signs of a problem (declining HCG and brown spotting) started on April 11th, but the actual miscarriage was on the 15th.
If I would have told one year ago self where I would be today I would have called myself crazy and laughed. I can honestly say that I never, ever expected to be in this position. I don't think anyone every does expect it, but I really never imagined that I would be able to feel and deal with this much heartache, but I've survived.
E has 100% been my rock throughout the past year. I can't imagine and would never want anyone else by my side. He's been supportive, strong, and extremely compassionate. He deals with my random teary moments and my full blown, snotty pillow, messy situations like a champ and always knows how to make me feel better.
It's been a tough day, especially this morning, but there's still hope! Let's hope when we're looking back on April 15, 2014 next year, we'll be in a very different place in our lives!
If I would have told one year ago self where I would be today I would have called myself crazy and laughed. I can honestly say that I never, ever expected to be in this position. I don't think anyone every does expect it, but I really never imagined that I would be able to feel and deal with this much heartache, but I've survived.
E has 100% been my rock throughout the past year. I can't imagine and would never want anyone else by my side. He's been supportive, strong, and extremely compassionate. He deals with my random teary moments and my full blown, snotty pillow, messy situations like a champ and always knows how to make me feel better.
It's been a tough day, especially this morning, but there's still hope! Let's hope when we're looking back on April 15, 2014 next year, we'll be in a very different place in our lives!
April 13, 2015
Slowly moving forward
Well, I got my MRI scheduled. I think I answered about 30 questions while scheduling the appointment about my medical history. The scheduler mentioned that they needed pre-authorization from my insurance company and my doctor's office hadn't taken care of that. She scheduled me (tentatively) anyway for this Friday at 3:45.
I called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them to take care of that and finally heard back today. It's a go! Woohoo!
So now I get to wait some more.
In other news, I'm doing well with getting healthier. I started on March 30th but later that week I got a really bad cold. I ended up skipping my workouts for four days (I didn't think mixing working out with the inability to breath would be a good idea) and ate like crap. BUT I weighed myself and I'm still down 4.6 pounds since March 30th. Two weeks? Not terrible! I can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but I certainly feel better. It's really helping to keep me going.
Wednesday is, for a lack of a better term, a special day. April 15th marks the one year anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's already been a year and here we are with three more failed pregnancies and dwindling hope.
But I really am trying to stay positive! Hopefully this MRI will show what we need and we can move forward.
I called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them to take care of that and finally heard back today. It's a go! Woohoo!
So now I get to wait some more.
In other news, I'm doing well with getting healthier. I started on March 30th but later that week I got a really bad cold. I ended up skipping my workouts for four days (I didn't think mixing working out with the inability to breath would be a good idea) and ate like crap. BUT I weighed myself and I'm still down 4.6 pounds since March 30th. Two weeks? Not terrible! I can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but I certainly feel better. It's really helping to keep me going.
Wednesday is, for a lack of a better term, a special day. April 15th marks the one year anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's already been a year and here we are with three more failed pregnancies and dwindling hope.
But I really am trying to stay positive! Hopefully this MRI will show what we need and we can move forward.
April 8, 2015
Next Step
I spoke with Dr. M yesterday and again today. Here's how the conversations went:
Yesterday
The good news is that E is chromosomally normal! Woohoo! She read the entire disclosure to me which states that this test isn't able to detect certain issues but she said those issues are very rare and he doesn't have any glaring chromosomal issues. I figured as much :)
We still don't have the pathology results. I had the surgery on March 13th, so hopefully we'll have them soon. A month's time is fast approaching!
I told her what the ultrasound tech and radiologist assistant had to say about my ultrasound. She didn't have the results yet but said that she was pretty confident that something is there. She mentioned that she could feel something during the D&C and saw what she thought was a septum during the diagnostic hysterocopy. I asked if what she saw could've been a "heart shaped" uterus and she said it was possible and was hoping that the images would give her a better idea.
She then shared a story of someone close to her who had had fertility issues. It really is amazing how personable she is and how wonderful she's been throughout this entire process. I'm so thankful!
Today
She received my ultrasound report and unfortunately, they came back as normal and she didn't get a good view. Now, I'll have to go for a MRI. Sigh. I heard from her office manager and was told that the radiologist should call within 24-48 hours. I figure if I don't hear back by tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably call. Clearly I'm good at waiting nowadays!
At this point I'm praying that I can get in for a MRI within the next week and a half, TOPS. This is torture!
Yesterday
The good news is that E is chromosomally normal! Woohoo! She read the entire disclosure to me which states that this test isn't able to detect certain issues but she said those issues are very rare and he doesn't have any glaring chromosomal issues. I figured as much :)
We still don't have the pathology results. I had the surgery on March 13th, so hopefully we'll have them soon. A month's time is fast approaching!
I told her what the ultrasound tech and radiologist assistant had to say about my ultrasound. She didn't have the results yet but said that she was pretty confident that something is there. She mentioned that she could feel something during the D&C and saw what she thought was a septum during the diagnostic hysterocopy. I asked if what she saw could've been a "heart shaped" uterus and she said it was possible and was hoping that the images would give her a better idea.
She then shared a story of someone close to her who had had fertility issues. It really is amazing how personable she is and how wonderful she's been throughout this entire process. I'm so thankful!
Today
She received my ultrasound report and unfortunately, they came back as normal and she didn't get a good view. Now, I'll have to go for a MRI. Sigh. I heard from her office manager and was told that the radiologist should call within 24-48 hours. I figure if I don't hear back by tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably call. Clearly I'm good at waiting nowadays!
At this point I'm praying that I can get in for a MRI within the next week and a half, TOPS. This is torture!
April 6, 2015
On the verge of waving the white flag
Today was a big day!
I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.
I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!
Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.
I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!
My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.
The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.
The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.
At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.
I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?
Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.
One of these days we will get a definitive answer!
I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.
I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!
Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.
I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!
My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.
The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.
- The renal ultrasound would be first.
- She would perform a transvaginal ultrasound.
- The radiologist assistant would come in and they would do the hysterosonogram together. She explained the procedure and said that it would be mildly uncomfortable but I shouldn't experience too much pain. They would insert a speculum, insert the catheter into the cervix, insert the transvaginal wand, and finally, slowly insert the saline (wow, sorry for all of the inserts).
The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.
At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.
I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?
Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.
One of these days we will get a definitive answer!
April 3, 2015
April Goals
I've decided that it will be much more effective for me to start making short-term goals because when I say "In 2015, I want to do 'X'" it's so far away that I seem to put it off too much. Instead I'm going to make some monthly goals. I'm starting out small in April (a couple of days late, too!!) but hopefully I'll work my way up to 4-5 goals each month. Here we go!
1. Workout 6 days a week.
I'm working on my fitness, y'all! I know I've mentioned it before but now that we're on baby making hiatus, I'm really trying to get to a healthier version of me. I really started the 21 day fix again on Monday and so far I've done well! With the exception of today (because I'm sick and can barely breath) I've worked out at least once if not twice a day. I hope to workout 6 days a week and hopefully twice a day, occasionally. When I have surgery, though, I'll obviously have to take a week or so off.
2. Get the carpet stretched.
When we moved into our house in 2013 (Wow! That was a long time ago!), the carpet in our dining room and in the upstairs hallway needed to be stretched. It's something that's always bothered me but we haven't taken the time to get it fixed. We WILL get it taken care of this month!
3. Fix car windshield.
Another fixer. Over a year ago I got a HUGE chip in my window and I had planned to get it fixed before the summer heat came. But I didn't. And it didn't get bigger in the heat. So I never fixed it. Whoops. This month I WILL take the time to get it fixed.
Let's see how I do!!
1. Workout 6 days a week.
I'm working on my fitness, y'all! I know I've mentioned it before but now that we're on baby making hiatus, I'm really trying to get to a healthier version of me. I really started the 21 day fix again on Monday and so far I've done well! With the exception of today (because I'm sick and can barely breath) I've worked out at least once if not twice a day. I hope to workout 6 days a week and hopefully twice a day, occasionally. When I have surgery, though, I'll obviously have to take a week or so off.
2. Get the carpet stretched.
When we moved into our house in 2013 (Wow! That was a long time ago!), the carpet in our dining room and in the upstairs hallway needed to be stretched. It's something that's always bothered me but we haven't taken the time to get it fixed. We WILL get it taken care of this month!
3. Fix car windshield.
Another fixer. Over a year ago I got a HUGE chip in my window and I had planned to get it fixed before the summer heat came. But I didn't. And it didn't get bigger in the heat. So I never fixed it. Whoops. This month I WILL take the time to get it fixed.
Let's see how I do!!
April 2, 2015
2!
I got my beta results today: 2! I asked the nurse if I was low enough to get all of the blood work taken care of next week but she didn't know. Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow because I'd love to get it done Monday or Tuesday.
I also asked about the pathology results and they were still listed as "pending". Now I'm concerned. She said that she was going to have their medical records member call the hospital to try to get it figured out. If they're able to get any answers I'll hear back tomorrow. If not, I have a feeling that we're in trouble.
I really dislike waiting.
I also asked about the pathology results and they were still listed as "pending". Now I'm concerned. She said that she was going to have their medical records member call the hospital to try to get it figured out. If they're able to get any answers I'll hear back tomorrow. If not, I have a feeling that we're in trouble.
I really dislike waiting.
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