Here I am.
Four failed pregnancies.
Currently not pregnant.
Actively trying to prevent pregnancy.
And today is the day that we should have welcomed our second little one to the world.
After our first pregnancy, I was so hopeful that I would be pregnant on bean #1's due date. Instead I was bleeding from my third miscarriage that had happened one week before.
Then I was hopeful that I would be pregnant for bean #2's due date. Nope. Instead our fourth little one had to be removed a week and a half ago on Friday the 13th.
I'm very, very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant for bean #3 and nugget's due dates with the same baby because that baby will be our miracle. July 4th and October 15th. I'm hopeful.
While I'm not doing anything in particular to celebrate bean #2 (well, I do plan to order a bear for nugget from Project B.E.A.R. today to sit with the three others), he/she has been and will continue to be on my mind today just like every other day.
Showing posts with label #2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #2. Show all posts
March 24, 2015
October 9, 2014
Dealing with it
The next few days and weeks were really difficult. I was away from my husband and trying to deal with the loss of a second baby. Now, some may think it's silly that I was so upset over these losses considering that I knew that I was pregnant for such a short time, and to those I say I hope you never experience it. For a couple who has so badly wanted to be parents, it was devastating.
I wouldn't say that I was necessarily ever depressed or am right now, but I have noticed a few things about myself.
I wouldn't say that I was necessarily ever depressed or am right now, but I have noticed a few things about myself.
- I have found comfort in food. As much as I don't want to admit it and want to ignore it, I've put on quite a few pounds that I am hoping to lose soon.
- I became obsessed with finding a reason. I went to the doctor and she wanted to start testing right away, but due to insurance requirements, we would have to suffer a 3rd loss first. I hope it never comes to that.
- My baby fever has become even worse. I hope our chance comes soon!
Bean #2
The doctor told us to wait at least one but preferably 2 cycles before trying again, but we didn't completely follow the rules. I was still taking ovulation tests and trying to get pregnant again as quickly as possible, because I figured it would help me heal. Each month, shortly before my expected period, I would start obsessively testing and hoping that it was our chance.
July 12th was our day! Again, I wanted to wait to tell my husband but when the digital test said "Pregnant 1-2" I couldn't keep it to myself. He was cautiously optimistic and excited and again we decided that we would get overly excited. Yeah, that didn't last, again. We were already talking about names!
I left 3 days later for a month-long trip to visit family. We didn't want to tell our families because it was still early, so we decided that every week milestone that we met would be followed by Eric reading that information to me over the phone from a great book that we had. I was a little nervous because my tests were getting only slightly darker, similar to the last pregnancy, but we decided that we had to be in the clear because a very small percentage of women have recurrent miscarriages.
I arrived in Michigan on a Wednesday evening and Thursday morning I woke up and ran to the bathroom to test again expecting to see a nice, dark line. What I saw was the complete opposite. It was almost gone. I called Eric, at three in the morning his time, balling. We decided to tell my mom and dad since they would know something was wrong.
The next few days, I tested multiple times a day. The tests started to get darker again so I thought "Maybe we ARE in the clear". Sadly that wasn't the case. July 22nd I woke up, grabbed a digital test, took the dog out, went to the restroom, took the test, wiped and saw brown. Again. It was in that moment I knew that our second pregnancy had failed. On top of it all, the test said "Not pregnant". I was supposed to go into the doctor when I got back in a few weeks for blood work and an ultrasound, so I called to cancel. The nurse basically told me that I was crazy and I wasn't miscarrying, but I knew. The next day I started bleeding heavily and was in excruciating pain both physically and mentally.
July 12th was our day! Again, I wanted to wait to tell my husband but when the digital test said "Pregnant 1-2" I couldn't keep it to myself. He was cautiously optimistic and excited and again we decided that we would get overly excited. Yeah, that didn't last, again. We were already talking about names!
I left 3 days later for a month-long trip to visit family. We didn't want to tell our families because it was still early, so we decided that every week milestone that we met would be followed by Eric reading that information to me over the phone from a great book that we had. I was a little nervous because my tests were getting only slightly darker, similar to the last pregnancy, but we decided that we had to be in the clear because a very small percentage of women have recurrent miscarriages.
I arrived in Michigan on a Wednesday evening and Thursday morning I woke up and ran to the bathroom to test again expecting to see a nice, dark line. What I saw was the complete opposite. It was almost gone. I called Eric, at three in the morning his time, balling. We decided to tell my mom and dad since they would know something was wrong.
The next few days, I tested multiple times a day. The tests started to get darker again so I thought "Maybe we ARE in the clear". Sadly that wasn't the case. July 22nd I woke up, grabbed a digital test, took the dog out, went to the restroom, took the test, wiped and saw brown. Again. It was in that moment I knew that our second pregnancy had failed. On top of it all, the test said "Not pregnant". I was supposed to go into the doctor when I got back in a few weeks for blood work and an ultrasound, so I called to cancel. The nurse basically told me that I was crazy and I wasn't miscarrying, but I knew. The next day I started bleeding heavily and was in excruciating pain both physically and mentally.
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