Part three...all done

At three, the ER nurse had registration come down to get me all checked in for the outpatient procedure which was very helpful. Once that was done she wheeled me up to the waiting room, again avoiding most people in the hospital. I was so thankful because I looked like a MESS.

We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.

My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.

Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.

Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.

I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.

When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.

Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.

We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.

I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.

Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.

Part two

I went to sleep Thursday night around 8:30 and was awake by 10:30. I was feeling awful. I felt gassy and there was a lot of movement in my stomach. I felt nauseous and terrible. TMI ALERT!!

It's been a whirlwind, part one

The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!

Part one: No heartbeat.

We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.

I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.

E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.

When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.

We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.

When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.

We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:

• She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
• We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
• She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
• She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
• At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She  mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.

So, surgery is scheduled for Friday evening, nothing to eat or drink after 9 am and then things would be done.

E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.

The basics

The basics for now.

• Sadly the baby wasn't meant to stay with us and only measured 7w3d (2 days of growth) with no heartbeat.
• I am getting a D&C tomorrow evening and thankfully Dr. M will be performing the surgery
  

• We are absolutely crushed and don't understand why this is happening to us over and over again.
• A fertility specialist is next.

More later.

It's time!

I fully expect to be told that there's no heartbeat. I just know that's what will happen and it TERRIFIES me. Every other miscarriage was natural. The first was a complete shock and surprise. The others we tried to stay positive but they also took us by surprise.

I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...

Not a good feeling

I woke up this morning feeling as though something wasn't right. I can't explain it but it's made me feel anxious and nervous all morning. Then, shortly after waking up I started to feel as I normally do before Aunt Flow shows up: it's not cramps but there's definitely something going on in my uterus. It's an awful feeling.

I've tried really, really hard to remain optimistic throughout this pregnancy and with the exception of a few days, I have done really well. But right now it's getting tough.

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks based on LMP. Nugget was 7w1d last Thursday so theoretically she should be 8w1d WITH a heartbeat. I really hope everything is okay but I can't shake the feeling that I'll be going to see Ellen after my ultrasound to get a D&C scheduled.

Just a little over 24 hours. Go time, go!

Worry wort

Since meeting E, I found myself getting more and more excited about starting a family. I've always been excited about having kids but the fast few years I found myself getting really excited about pregnancy itself.

Fast forward to today and while I enjoy the idea of being pregnant, I can't actually enjoy the process. I worry and stress over every detail. For the past year, I've associated pregnancy with unhappiness since it always ends badly.

I've tried my hardest not to get too attached to this pregnancy (see, I still have trouble even saying the word baby freely) because I know if it ends badly I will again be crushed. That being said, I've found over the past couple of days that I'm getting used to the idea of actually being pregnant. There's actually a baby with a heartbeat (maybe) inside of me. I can thank Dr. M for that. That one little word (viable) really changed my perspective.

I'm begging God to not give us bad news on Thursday afternoon. Grow baby (and sac)! 3 days...

I AM a mom.

There are many difficult things about miscarriage, especially having multiple miscarriages and no live children. But I think for me, one of the most difficult aspects is my inner battle of whether or not I'm a mother.

Have I carried a child for nine months? No. Have I experienced the joy and love when holding my child for the first time? No. Have I woken up multiple times at night to feed my little one? No. The list goes on. That being said, I have carried multiple little ones, I have grieved the loss of three children, and I have worried countless hours about my children. Does that make me a mother? YES.

My first miscarriage happened last April which made May 11th an extremely difficult day for me.

Mother's Day.

To make matters worse, it was the day that we had planned to tell our parents that we were expecting as it was to be shortly before the end of the first trimester. I remember calling my mom and my sister to wish them a happy mother's day and made an excuse to have to quickly end the call. If I hadn't, I would've started to cry because I so badly wanted to be wished a happy mother's day, too.

E and I have been pretty private and quiet about our losses. There's a very limited number of people who know and we're certainly not posting on Facebook. I think a part of my struggle stems from this fact as so few people know that I am a mom which it makes me feel even less of a mom. But damn it, I am a mom! I may not have any little babies to show for it and I may not be sleep deprived, but I'm a mom. I have created four humans who unfortunately never got a to say a proper hello to the world, but it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mom.

I really hope that society begins to change its views on miscarriage because so many of us feel as if we need to hide in the shadows and not tell our stories. In addition we don't get recognized as mothers which makes the whole situation worse. So ladies who have miscarried and unfortunately still have no living children, take a few minutes to celebrate your version of motherhood and while you're at it celebrate your husband, boyfriend, or significant other because he is a father.

Viable?

Yesterday was the first time I heard the words "Your pregnancy is viable".

It was such an amazing feeling. It's all that I've wanted to hear for an entire year and my doctor finally said those words to me.

I'm still really nervous and not feeling completely optimistic but still hoping for the best!

6 more days.

Waiting is the worst 2.0

Sometimes I really don't understand how life can be so cruel.  I had come to terms with the fact that our precious little nugget had probably already passed and knew that E and I would make it through another loss together. We just had to get through the ultrasound. Hang on to your bootstraps ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one!

We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.

We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!

Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?

We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!

Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:

1. She is going to treat this as a viable pregnancy because there is a fetus and a strong heartbeat. Her philosophy is to not be so concerned with the sac size once the fetus is present and she's sticking with that. I agree with her, however, later in pregnancy doctors are concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, so why wouldn't they be concerned about it now, you know?  Anyway, I'm not a doctor.


2. She reminded me that not all pregnancies go exactly as spelled out in the textbooks, and that could just be the case with ours.


3. I asked if she thinks the progesterone is the only thing sustaining the pregnancy and she gave me an immediate "NO". She believes that if the pregnancy wasn't meant to survive, the progesterone wouldn't be enough to allow it to progress.


4. She suggested that we consider early pregnancy genetic counseling a little earlier than most. Based on my track record and the fact that we're not really following the textbook, she believes it would be best. I, of course, got nervous and shaky but she tried multiple times to reassure me that she doesn't think our baby has a higher chance than any other baby of having any issues. I didn't ask for specifics and because we've never been at this point before I don't know specific names of the tests, so bear with me. One test wouldn't happen until 10-12 (I think) weeks because it requires ultrasounds to look at specific body parts. The test that we could do right now is the progenity blood test which looks for the chances of the baby having trisomy 13, 18, and 21.

So that's where we're at. E and I discussed testing and I'll be honest, it was really scary thinking about it all and I got really overwhelmed. I know all parents have to decide if they'll do the testing but the fact that she brought it up makes me think that a small part of her believes that's the issue. E's initial response was no to testing, but after he heard my side, he changed his mind. The results wouldn't change our view in any way; it's still our baby, one that we've worked so hard for, and we would love him or her all the same. BUT, I would want to be able to prepare myself. If I only get to hold my baby in my arms for a few hours I want to know that our time is limited and drink up every last moment of it. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Right?

It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!

2-3

I took another one of those stupid Clear Blue Weeks Estimator tests and it still says 2-3. I should be well over 2,000 by now so I know the news that I receive in a few hours about my blood work from yesterday won't be good. Sigh. We really just can't catch a break.

I'm hoping that I'll get to speak with Ellen. When I spoke with her yesterday, we had planned to set up my ultrasound for next Thursday (7 weeks) but now I have a few things that I want to discuss.

1. Do I even need to do that ultrasound?
2. Should I continue to take the progesterone? We're going away this weekend so I'll keep taking it through Saturday night either way because I don't want something to happen while we're gone, but is it really worth continuing?
3. Why us?
4. If we can help it, I'd much rather have a D&C this time. I wanted one last time, but God and nature didn't allow for it. This time I would really prefer to have it done if possible. But that also gives me mixed feelings. Then I feel like I'm intentionally aborting a baby. I know that technically it isn't if the pregnancy isn't viable and I would miscarry eventually anyway, but part of me feels that way.

Vegas should be really fun this weekend.

#4

While waiting for my clotting results to come back, I got a crazy surprise. I'm currently pregnant for the fourth time since March 2014. As I told E, there aren't many women who can say they've been pregnant four times in a year! My sister gave me the nickname "Fertile Myrtle" when we told her. Sigh.

Now we can't do any of the clotting tests again until I am not pregnant. Obviously, I hope that means that we have a LONG time until we can do that testing but only time will tell!

So far, things are going okay. Dr. M wanted to put me on vaginal progesterone suppositories but unfortunately our insurance wasn't on board. Instead, I've been taking 100mg orally every night.  I had one episode of spotting at 4w2d or 3w5d (assuming I ovulated on CD 19 like normal; we weren't trying or tracking this cycle) but it was only when I wiped and I haven't had anymore since. I'm really scared that the progesterone might be giving me false hope.

Ellen, my favorite nurse, asked how I wanted to approach this pregnancy and I decided that I wanted to do the same as the last pregnancy. Ensure that betas are doubling properly and then an early ultrasound once I hit 1,500. Here's where we're at:

2/4 (9dpo, the day I found out) at 10:45am = 10
2/6 (11dpo) at 10:00am = 34 (27.19 hours)
2/9 (14dpo) at 2:00pm = 93 (52.35 hours)
2/16 (21dpo) at 10:00 = 994 (47.98 hours)

Personally, I think they're low BUT with the exception of the 11 to 14dpo draw, they're doubling within 48 hours. My next draw will be this Friday but I won't get the results until next Monday. I feel like I'm in HELL.

I was telling my mom today that my biggest issue right now is control. I'm not a controlling person. In fact, I am extremely indecisive and would rather that everyone else make decisions for me. With that said, the last pregnancy and this one, I'm realizing that pregnancy tests are the only way for me to feel somewhat in control of what is happening. I promised E that I wouldn't test everyday like I did the last time. I've kept that promise because I'm not testing daily, but I'm certainly testing every other day and I am OBSESSING. It's so difficult when there is absolutely nothing that you can do.

When I got the call with my results this morning, I was hoping for at least 1,000 but knew that a proper double from last Monday would have been 1,116. When the nurse said 994, I was glad that we were at least close to 1,000.

We're remaining cautiously optimistic right now, but to be honest, I'm really trying not to get too attached. It's so difficult.

As for this blog, I'm hoping to continue documenting this pregnancy. After our last loss I threw out all of my pregnancy tests and deleted all of my beta levels and now I regret that. This time, I'm keeping it all right here!

Silence.

A few weeks after I wrote my last post I went silent and got good news. I found out that I was pregnant, again!

Pregnancy #3. My hopes were high! To make a long story short, there was much stressing over betas, empty sacs, etc. My HCG levels rose, but they were on the higher end of the 48-72 hours but we made it to 1,500 and did an ultrasound. It was the first time we saw anything on an ultrasound, but unfortunately it was an empty sac. At the time I was 6w3d based on LMP and 6w0d based on ovulation. The sac measured 5w5d. The tech said it was probably just too early and not to worry about it. We rescheduled our ultrasound for December 1st and went on our 2 week European vacation.

We had a WONDERFUL time on our getaway and can't wait to do some more traveling soon. I spotted throughout the entire pregnancy but it got really bad the day before we left to come home, so November 29th. It was still brown but there was much more. We were supposed to return to the States on November 30th but because of a threat at the Edinburgh airport, we ended up stranded at London Heathrow and knew we would miss our next ultrasound appointment.
When we eventually left, the plane ride home was torture because I knew in my heart things weren't right. The spotting was turning pink and light red.

The next morning I went to my sister's house to watch my nephew as planned. I was lightly bleeding red at that point and had mild cramps. I called the doctor to explain what was going on and they were able to get me in for an ultrasound at 1:15. Unfortunately I didn't make it. About 20 minutes after calling, I was in excruciating pain and was bleeding through pads in a matter of minutes.

We made the decision to go to the ER because of the amount of pain I was experiencing. They gave me morpheme to help me feel more comfortable and did a pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound. My blood work came back somewhere around 4,500 and my uterus was empty; I had already passed the sac. I was 9 weeks exactly.

This was by far the most devastating and traumatic loss. I thought I would handle it fine, but the pain was awful. To make matters worse, I ended up bleeding and spotting for nearly a month. But we survived!