Waiting is the worst 2.0

Sometimes I really don't understand how life can be so cruel.  I had come to terms with the fact that our precious little nugget had probably already passed and knew that E and I would make it through another loss together. We just had to get through the ultrasound. Hang on to your bootstraps ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one!

We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.

We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!

Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?

We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!

Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:

1. She is going to treat this as a viable pregnancy because there is a fetus and a strong heartbeat. Her philosophy is to not be so concerned with the sac size once the fetus is present and she's sticking with that. I agree with her, however, later in pregnancy doctors are concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, so why wouldn't they be concerned about it now, you know?  Anyway, I'm not a doctor.


2. She reminded me that not all pregnancies go exactly as spelled out in the textbooks, and that could just be the case with ours.


3. I asked if she thinks the progesterone is the only thing sustaining the pregnancy and she gave me an immediate "NO". She believes that if the pregnancy wasn't meant to survive, the progesterone wouldn't be enough to allow it to progress.


4. She suggested that we consider early pregnancy genetic counseling a little earlier than most. Based on my track record and the fact that we're not really following the textbook, she believes it would be best. I, of course, got nervous and shaky but she tried multiple times to reassure me that she doesn't think our baby has a higher chance than any other baby of having any issues. I didn't ask for specifics and because we've never been at this point before I don't know specific names of the tests, so bear with me. One test wouldn't happen until 10-12 (I think) weeks because it requires ultrasounds to look at specific body parts. The test that we could do right now is the progenity blood test which looks for the chances of the baby having trisomy 13, 18, and 21.

So that's where we're at. E and I discussed testing and I'll be honest, it was really scary thinking about it all and I got really overwhelmed. I know all parents have to decide if they'll do the testing but the fact that she brought it up makes me think that a small part of her believes that's the issue. E's initial response was no to testing, but after he heard my side, he changed his mind. The results wouldn't change our view in any way; it's still our baby, one that we've worked so hard for, and we would love him or her all the same. BUT, I would want to be able to prepare myself. If I only get to hold my baby in my arms for a few hours I want to know that our time is limited and drink up every last moment of it. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Right?

It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!