Jealousy is a witch

When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.

By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.

I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A pregnancy announcement. Due July 20^th. 16 days after our third little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.

Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much. I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very sad.

It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for feeling that way let alone admitting to it.

I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.

Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more irritable.

I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be able to get back to where I used to be.