CD1

Well, here it is. Cycle day 1. I was starting to get nervous this morning because I hadn't started bleeding, I had zero cramping or bloating, and it was day 14 post ovulation. But Aunt Flow arrived right on time and as I was leaving the Children's Hospital (volunteering, don't worry!) I noticed that it started.

So far it's been a medium-ish flow and it hasn't been as painful as last cycle but there's still quite a bit of cramping going on. But I'm pleased that it's here. I called Dr. T's office immediately and got my sonohystogram set up for next Monday, cd 8. He had one appointment on Monday and I scooped it up since it's my day off. Win!

So now we wait again. I'm so anxious and ready to get going. Poor E has dealt with me talking almost non-stop about "when we get pregnant". Poor guy!

We have a couple of things to look forward to, though, that are completely unrelated to trying to conceive. E has a work trip to Columbus at the end of the month and I decided to join him because two of my best friends from college live there. Woohoo! AND we'll be going to visit his parents in Finland (they're there for about a year for his dad's job) and traveling around a bit.

I'll update next week!

Life Lately

Wow. I can't believe it's been two whole months since I last wrote. To be honest, I haven't had much to say. But let's back up. First recovery:

My recovery went really well once the constipation issue was resolved. All my anxiety about having the catheter removed was for nothing! It was seriously the easiest thing ever. I told Dr. M that I was really nervous and anxious and she told me it would take two seconds. It wasn't painful AT ALL. There was a bit of pressure and then it was done. Fantastic! I did have to go on antibiotics for a week because my laparoscopic incision was slightly infected. No biggie.

Then six weeks later I went back for my follow up, follow up appointment. I was nervous because I started to spot and lightly bleed while still using the estrogen patches so she had me start the progesterone early. Well it was 5 or so days after stopping the progesterone that I had my appointment. I expressed my concerns about not having a bleed after stopping it and she said to give it another week. If I still didn't start, we would do 10 more days of the Provera.

On my way out, I asked for a copy of my records and the receptionist told me to take a seat as it would only take about 5 minutes. I told her it would be a fairly large file to which she responded, "That's what everyone says! Don't worry; it will only take a few minutes". Ok. So I sat. I waited and waited. And then I realized MY PERIOD JUST STARTED!! I've seriously never been so happy to have a period. It was like the receptionist knew, too! Right at that moment she brought out my file. She chuckled and told me I was right, it was pretty big.

One year's worth of medical records and heartache. RIDICULOUS.

I also stopped to chat with Ellen. She made me promise that if we move before having a baby that we send pictures. She also told me that I can email her whenever I have questions, even if I'm no longer their patient. Nice!

Other than that, life has been fairly quiet lately. E and I went back to Michigan & Illinois last week and had a great time. We got to go up to the lake in Michigan and spend a couple of days with my parents. Then we went to visit with his parents in Illinois. We also decided that we're going to make a trip to visit them in Finland happen. I don't remember if I've mentioned it here, but his dad was sent to Finland for a year-ish and his mom is joining him for part of the time. So now it's time to save, save, save and then blow it all traveling :)

I'm really ready to start trying to conceive again and am having an inner dilemma about it. Dr. M said to wait 2-3 regular cycles. That looks like this:

• Provera bleed- June 22nd
• Regular Cycle 1- July 26ish
• Regular Cycle 2- August 28ish
• Regular Cycle 3- September 30ish

That's an exceptionally long time to have to wait still. I know I can't do that. I've done some research and even found a practice that says you can start trying after your first Aunt Flow shows. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to rush things but at the same time I know I can't wait until October to start trying again. I think I'm going to wait and see how my next period is and go from there. If it's back to how it normally was, I think it's safe to say that my lining is similar to what it was pre-surgery and we'll probably start trying the next cycle. If it's not, then I know we'll have to wait longer.

I've never wanted time to pass quickly as much as I do now!

Good News All Around!

I'm so glad that I trusted Dr. M. As we got closer to surgery date I was secretly starting to have some doubts if the surgery was worth the money. After meeting with her on Monday I was seriously starting to doubt if we should go through with it. The images should have shown something, right? Thankfully I stuck with it!

I had a 3cm septum that was successfully (we believe, at least!) resected yesterday. I don't remember much of what Dr. M told me so this is all based on what E remembers. Let's hope he's right ;)

From my understanding, the surgery was on the longer end but they got great pictures (E was sure to let me know that he got to see the inside of my uterus...strange indeed!), they had to do the laparoscopy and they did resect the septum. E tried to explain what he saw in the pictures and it sounds like my uterus was a pinkish color (it looked like "meat" apparently...gross) whereas the septum was white in color which indicated that it wasn't getting blood or nutrient flow. He said that the after pictures showed the white gone and only a healthy looking uterus. Let's hope this did it for us!

I was in recovery for a while because I was in quite a bit of pain and was really nauseous. The recovery nurse was wonderful and I wish I remembered her name because I would love to send her a thank you card! Dr. M. came to speak with me and all I got out of that conversation was that there was a septum and they fixed it. The rest of the time the nurse had to deal with me crying and saying "I'm so thankful" over and over. She was a saint.

We got home around 4/4:30, I believe, and my sister stopped by quickly to drop off some flowers and a gift from her, my parents, and grandma. My nephew picked out the card and it is certainly a two-year old card. So cute!

Then I was pretty much off in la la land the rest of the night and slept. I woke up around 2am and was in and out until 5:30 when I woke E up. He got me a small breakfast and I took some more pain meds. Then it was back to sleep!

I'm actually feeling pretty well now. I'm trying to walk around a bit to hopefully keep the gas pains to a minimum and I haven't taken any pain medication since this morning. The most uncomfortable and awkward part is the catheter. It's not a traditional urine catheter, of course, so its strange to use the restroom. It just doesn't feel right. I feel bad because E has, once again, gotten quite an education with this surgery. He's such a good guy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him!

Right now, all of this uncomfortableness from the catheter and the slight pain is totally worth it and I truly am thankful. While it's going to be a while before we can start trying to conceive again, I'm glad that we're finally moving forward and may have finally found a solution.

The Start of a New Chapter?

Today's the day and I'm scared.

I met with Dr. M. on Monday and she solidified the idea in my head that this is an exploratory surgery. She still thinks there will be something to resect/fix, but she can't say that with certainty until she gets in there. So that means one of two things will happen:

1. If it ends up being just an arcuate uterus, there is nothing they can really do. In that case they'll take a ton of pictures and send me off to a Reproductive Endocrinologist armed with all of my pictures, blood work, chromosome analyses, etc.
2. If it's a septum, they'll resect it and insert a balloon catheter. The catheter would be in for 5-6 days and it would be taken out in office. I would also take estrogen for a month followed by 10 days of progesterone which would bring on a bleed. We would then need to wait 3 cycles to ensure the lining builds up enough before trying to conceive again.

I slept horribly last night and had some really, really screwed up dreams. Then this morning I had a minor cry when I was telling E how nervous and scared I am that they won't be able to do anything. It feels (and sounds) so wrong, but I've been praying that there is a septum in there and they'll be able to fix it. I just want there to be an identifiable problem and a solution, which takes place today. That's not too much to ask for, right?!

Grief, Strength, and Peace

Reminders for Finding Strength and Peace in Times of Grief

"So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless.  Do not let negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place.  Carry on accordingly."

I used to visit the site Marc and Angel Hack Life every now and then for a little inspiration, but until today it had probably been a good year or so since I had checked it out. I'm pretty glad that I did.

The above quote was my favorite from the post and it hit close to home. RPL really has taken its toll on me: emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's changed the way I view life and I'm certainly not nearly as naive as I used to be.

"Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness"

That's one that I need to remember. I think I've wrote here before about all of the experiences and feelings that RPL has robbed me of and how much it's changed me. But I shouldn't let it.

I hope that soon I can find peace with everything that we've gone through and I can learn to steal back my sweetness. I may not be the same person as I was a year ago and that's okay. But I need to work to get the sweetness back because it's always been of my core characteristic and I want to steal back myself.

Confusion

I'm officially confused and don't know where to go from here. For real.

First things first. I had my MRI on Friday and it was easy peezy compared to when I had one on my head. The only thing that threw me off was needing to get an IV. I didn't realize Dr. M. wanted a few images with contrast so it was unexpected. Thankfully she only had to poke me once. Unfortunately she had to dig around and I now have an awesome bruise.

The picture was taken Saturday morning but its much darker now. Yikes! But with that being my only battle wound, I really can't complain.

Onto the more interesting news. Dr. M. called this Saturday afternoon (I was shocked, too. Why is she calling on a Saturday?!). She said that all of my blood work was looking good so far. I asked about the Antithrombin III that the nurse told me was slightly elevated. Dr. M said it's nothing to worry about as it's usually an issue if you have decreased numbers. We'll just re-draw in 6 weeks.

She did, however, let me know that I am heterozygous for MTHFR. She quickly went on to let me know that it's nothing to be worried about because traditionally it was thought that both heterozygous and homozygous forms caused losses but now it's more commonly believed that it's only the homozygous mutation that causes losses. She said that I could continue the baby aspirin, but she doesn't believe this to be our problem. She also said that my homocysteine levels were "perfect". *More on this in a minute*

I also let her know that I had my MRI and asked when she expects to receive the images, which she believes should be this week. I asked if she thinks that surgery is still in the near future and she responded with an immediate "Yes". She said that she could feel something while doing the D&C and while the images during the diagnostic hysteroscopy weren't the best (because of all of the blood) she believes that she saw something as well. She, apparently, was ready to do the surgery after the ultrasound but had me do the MRI so that we can try to avoid a laparoscopic procedure. She wants the best view possible so that we will, hopefully, only have to do the hysteroscopy. But it sounds like maybe it will be in the next month or so.

Now, swinging back around to the MTHFR. I was actually the one who suggested that we test for it the day that we found out that nugget's heartbeat had died. I remember Dr. M. saying that MTHFR usually caused second trimester losses, but if it was something that I wanted to check, she was willing to. The reason I wanted to check? Because of my friend, A.

A had 7 losses, all in the first trimester. She finally found out that she had MTHFR and saw a hematologist who said that because she was heterozygous, there was no reason for her to be on a blood thinner. She was grasping at straws and a blood thinner was really her last resort, so her OB prescribed it for her throughout her next pregnancy. She ended up with a little boy who is now 1.

I texted her after speaking with Dr. M. and she thought it was crazy that Dr. M. didn't think this was an issue. We chatted a bit and then she asked if the doctor told me to stop my birth control pill immediately as it's very dangerous with MTHFR. Um, no. Apparently her doctor told her that he will never ever prescribe a birth control pill for her (and her IUD is hormone free) because it can cause even more clotting issues for those with MTHFR. I promised to call and ask Dr. M. about that on Monday.

Right now, I'm not 100% sure which route to follow but here's the thinking that E and I are going to run with (for the moment at least).

• Call Dr. M. on Monday to ask about birth control and ask if folate supplements are needed.
• Continue with the surgery route. The way I see it, if she goes in and does surgery and doesn't find anything, she's not going to scrape anything so I won't have any scaring. I would be out a couple hundreds of dollars and know one way or another. If she does find something, it gets fixed.
• Once surgery is done, I'll discuss with Dr. M. her beliefs on blood thinners, such as lovenox, for someone like me with heterozygous MTHFR. The limited research that I've done has shown mixed views. If I'm unhappy with her answer, I'll get a second opinion from a specialist and go from there. 

Both E and I feel so overwhelmed with all of this. I know there's a very good chance that we may never get a concrete answer, but limbo stinks and this maybe, maybe, maybe pattern that we're stuck in is making it all that much more difficult.

Fingers crossed Dr. M. gets the MRI images early this week and it actually SHOWS something!!

23 Things...

23 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Pregnancy After Loss

A friend sent this blog post to me tonight. Perfection. I can't identify with all of them because I haven't reached all of the milestones, but there were so many that hit close to home. A couple of my favorites:


" 2. The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” "

" 3. You might consistently check for blood on your panties. It might sound strange, but having to go pee is a terrifying experience. Every time you pull down your pants you mentally prepare yourself to see spots of blood in your panties. There is no way around this. It just is. "

" 5. Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other child. It just does not work that way. Don’t let others expectations impact how you feel about your pregnancy and the child that died. It’s okay to not be okay. Actually, it’s probably normal. "

" 9. Anxiety around doctor’s appointments happens. Going to the doctor can be reassuring but it can also be scary because the doctor is often time the one who delivers bad news. It’s normal to get anxious about appointments, even women who have not experienced a loss, experience anxiety during appointments during pregnancy. "

" 15. Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again. However, whenever I noticed myself doing this I always told myself, “It’s going to hurt no matter what. It won’t hurt any less if I’m not connected to this baby, actually it might hurt more because I didn’t take the time to enjoy baby while they were here.” "

"17. You might experience PTSD. If your loss happened during pregnancy then going through another pregnancy can be traumatic. For me it was like reliving my trauma every minute of every day. I could not escape it and the closer I got to the delivery day the more my anxiety and triggers of my past trauma intensified. What helped me was working with a therapist and practicing loving kindness and compassion towards myself. "



Couldn't have said it better myself. I try, but nowadays whenever I'm pregnant, my anxiety is through the roof.

1 Year Angelversary

Today marks one year since we lost our first little angel. The first signs of a problem (declining HCG and brown spotting) started on April 11th, but the actual miscarriage was on the 15th.

If I would have told one year ago self where I would be today I would have called myself crazy and laughed. I can honestly say that I never, ever expected to be in this position. I don't think anyone every does expect it, but I really never imagined that I would be able to feel and deal with this much heartache, but I've survived.

E has 100% been my rock throughout the past year. I can't imagine and would never want anyone else by my side. He's been supportive, strong, and extremely compassionate. He deals with my random teary moments and my full blown, snotty pillow, messy situations like a champ and always knows how to make me feel better.

It's been a tough day, especially this morning, but there's still hope! Let's hope when we're looking back on April 15, 2014 next year, we'll be in a very different place in our lives!

Slowly moving forward

Well, I got my MRI scheduled. I think I answered about 30 questions while scheduling the appointment about my medical history. The scheduler mentioned that they needed pre-authorization from my insurance company and my doctor's office hadn't taken care of that. She scheduled me (tentatively) anyway for this Friday at 3:45.

I called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them to take care of that and finally heard back today. It's a go! Woohoo!

So now I get to wait some more.

In other news, I'm doing well with getting healthier. I started on March 30th but later that week I got a really bad cold. I ended up skipping my workouts for four days (I didn't think mixing working out with the inability to breath would be a good idea) and ate like crap. BUT I weighed myself and I'm still down 4.6 pounds since March 30th. Two weeks? Not terrible! I can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but I certainly feel better. It's really helping to keep me going.

Wednesday is, for a lack of a better term, a special day. April 15th marks the one year anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's already been a year and here we are with three more failed pregnancies and dwindling hope.

But I really am trying to stay positive! Hopefully this MRI will show what we need and we can move forward.

Next Step

I spoke with Dr. M yesterday and again today. Here's how the conversations went:

Yesterday
The good news is that E is chromosomally normal! Woohoo! She read the entire disclosure to me which states that this test isn't able to detect certain issues but she said those issues are very rare and he doesn't have any glaring chromosomal issues. I figured as much :)

We still don't have the pathology results. I had the surgery on March 13th, so hopefully we'll have them soon. A month's time is fast approaching!

I told her what the ultrasound tech and radiologist assistant had to say about my ultrasound. She didn't have the results yet but said that she was pretty confident that something is there. She mentioned that she could feel something during the D&C and saw what she thought was a septum during the diagnostic hysterocopy. I asked if what she saw could've been a "heart shaped" uterus and she said it was possible and was hoping that the images would give her a better idea.

She then shared a story of someone close to her who had had fertility issues. It really is amazing how personable she is and how wonderful she's been throughout this entire process. I'm so thankful!

Today
She received my ultrasound report and unfortunately, they came back as normal and she didn't get a good view. Now, I'll have to go for a MRI. Sigh. I heard from her office manager and was told that the radiologist should call within 24-48 hours. I figure if I don't hear back by tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably call. Clearly I'm good at waiting nowadays!

At this point I'm praying that I can get in for a MRI within the next week and a half, TOPS. This is torture!

On the verge of waving the white flag

Today was a big day!

I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.

I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!

Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.

I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!

My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.

The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.

1. The renal ultrasound would be first.
2. She would perform a transvaginal ultrasound.
3. The radiologist assistant would come in and they would do the hysterosonogram together. She explained the procedure and said that it would be mildly uncomfortable but I shouldn't experience too much pain. They would insert a speculum, insert the catheter into the cervix, insert the transvaginal wand, and finally, slowly insert the saline (wow, sorry for all of the inserts).

Of course the renal exam was super easy and I got to empty my bladder right away. I'm a pro at transvaginal ultrasounds nowadays so it was extremely quick. And then she had me empty my bladder again. Clearly I didn't drink the water early enough because they got me in so early (I was done with the transvaginal ultrasound by 10:27).

The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.

At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.

I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?

Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.

One of these days we will get a definitive answer!

2!

I got my beta results today: 2! I asked the nurse if I was low enough to get all of the blood work taken care of next week but she didn't know. Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow because I'd love to get it done Monday or Tuesday.

I also asked about the pathology results and they were still listed as "pending". Now I'm concerned. She said that she was going to have their medical records member call the hospital to try to get it figured out. If they're able to get any answers I'll hear back tomorrow. If not, I have a feeling that we're in trouble.

I really dislike waiting.

No news is NOT always good news.

Today was the day! I FINALLY had my post-D&C appointment and I was really looking forward to it. I was seriously giddy all morning.

I called E right after the appointment and summed up the appointment really well. "In true Crystal fashion, nothing can happen easily."

Here are the highlights:

•  Dr. M is concerned because we don't have the pathology results from the baby. She was honest and said that we should've had them by now, she's put multiple calls into the lab and she still hasn't heard back. She's concerned that the lab may have lost the baby and no testing was done. Fingers crossed that isn't the case!
• She mentioned that if we do get the results, she believes they will show that the baby was chromosomally normal. This is where we transitioned to the septum. She said the septum was rather large (I think she said something to the extent of it taking up about 3/4 of the "endometrial area" or something). She believes that this pregnancy didn't survive because there wasn't enough room for the sac and baby to grow. She thinks it literally ran out of room.
• She's decided to do a hysterosonogram/saline infusion sonogram instead of the MRI. I was really excited when she told me the reason she decided on this. She said it typically takes 2-3 weeks for someone to get in for the MRI but the hysterosonogram could be done today! WOOHOO! Yes, please! 
• She's going to get started on the surgery side of things (insurance, booking, etc.) in the meantime. The surgery will be performed by her and the senior doctor of the practice will be doing the ultrasound during the surgery. She's also booking me for a laparoscopic surgery just in case the ultrasound doesn't show everything well enough.
• After the surgery, we'll have to wait 2-3 cycles before trying again.
• She put me on birth control pills after the D&C so she said to continue them but to not take the placebo pills, just continue on with another pack. The purpose is to allow us to do the surgery right when we want. Apparently it's best to do the surgery soon after the start of a new cycle, so when we have the surgery scheduled, we can manipulate my period to allow for the best timing.
• She believes the septum is the issue and didn't think the additional blood tests were necessary. I asked if we could still do them because I want to cover all of our bases and she agreed.

So after my appointment, I got the write up for the hysterosonogram (and a renal ultrasound...apparently uterine issues can sometimes signal kidney issues so she just wants to check things out), got blood drawn for HCG and my chromosome analysis and was on my merry way to the radiologist office.

Here's that saga:

• I went over, showed the receptionist my paperwork and asked if I could get in today because I was willing to wait (Dr. M has sent dozens of patients over and they were able to get in the same day). The receptionist informed me that they do the renal ultrasound there but not the other.
• I went back to Dr. M who tried calling over but she was put on hold for 10 minutes. So, she wrote "saline infusion ultrasound" on the paper and sent me over again. She said if she still insisted, we would find a different place because she wouldn't want them doing it.
• I returned to the radiologist and was told the same. Sigh. She told me I would have to go to office A for the hysterosonogram and office B for the renal ultrasound. Awesome.
• So I found my car and called the central scheduling office. That poor woman. She was probably so happy when she hung up with me.
• I told her the tests that I needed and also said I understood that I would need to go to two different places and that was fine. She put me on hold and then returned to the line after 5 or so minutes. She was happy to inform me that there was one office that had a tech who did renal ultrasounds and another who did the hysterosonogram and that they were in the office at the same time a few times a week. Perfect!
• She said the best time to do the saline ultrasound was between CD 7-11 so I would have to call back on CD 1 to get it scheduled. Uh oh. I explained my predicament (Dr. M wants me to continue with the BC pill and no placebos until surgery time). I ensured her that there was no chance of me being pregnant and that I would have my HCG results tomorrow. She seemed unsure but booked me anyway for next Monday. I gave her the date of my D&C and she said she would push the information onto the ultrasound tech. If the ultrasound tech is concerned or won't do the ultrasound then, I'll have to stop the birth control and call back on CD 1. AHHHH!

Like I said, nothing can happen easily. Best case scenario? I'll have the ultrasound next Monday, Dr. M will have the results within 3 days, and I'll have surgery during the month of April. Then we'd wait 2-3 cycles and as Dr. M said, hopefully we'll be in the second trimester at the end of 2015.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed that the best case scenario is what becomes reality!!

No Escape.

I just wrote about this. It makes me whiny. I could just delete my Facebook but I don't want to.

I just can't escape the pregnancy announcements. Seriously I think EVERYONE is having a baby in October except me. Not only is a girl from high school (who is now engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months because of the baby) but a girl that E and I both used to work with. I feel like I've moved on from being mad about the announcements (progress, y'all. Progress.) and I honestly am happy for them (especially the girl that we used to work with because she's an awesome mom to her two kids).

But it stings. It really, really stings.

I saw a psychic over the weekend and he told me that I need to stop playing the victim because that's the only way that I'm going to move on. I had to double check that I was speaking with a psychic and not a therapist. But he was right. I am playing the victim. That's what RPL does to us.

I'm really trying my best to let my anger flood from my body and I feel that the small gesture of liking her post and genuinely feeling happy for her shows that I'm working on it. But honestly? I don't think announcements will ever be comfortable until we get the opportunity to do so.

Before I never really wanted to announce a pregnancy on Facebook. My thoughts were that those who I wanted to know would know from talking to me and with so many things able to go wrong in those 9 months, it wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I think my thoughts have changed.

Now I can't wait until we get to announce a pregnancy. And I probably will do it on Facebook. Not only for the selfish reason of wanting to announce it to the world but also to give those who are secretly dealing with RPL or infertility. I want to tell them that we have "x" number of angels watching over our miracle and someday they'll be able to say the same.

We all will.

*Update*
Today's just not a good day. To add a tablespoonful of salt to injury, there was yet another October announcement tonight and a former student of mine posted that his sister, who is a junior in high school and is a former student of mine too, had a baby today. WTF universe? I must've really screwed up in a former life.

Due Date

Here I am.
Four failed pregnancies.
Currently not pregnant.
Actively trying to prevent pregnancy.
And today is the day that we should have welcomed our second little one to the world.

After our first pregnancy, I was so hopeful that I would be pregnant on bean #1's due date. Instead I was bleeding from my third miscarriage that had happened one week before.

Then I was hopeful that I would be pregnant for bean #2's due date. Nope. Instead our fourth little one had to be removed a week and a half ago on Friday the 13th.

I'm very, very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant for bean #3 and nugget's due dates with the same baby because that baby will be our miracle. July 4th and October 15th. I'm hopeful.

While I'm not doing anything in particular to celebrate bean #2 (well, I do plan to order a bear for nugget from Project B.E.A.R. today to sit with the three others), he/she has been and will continue to be on my mind today just like every other day.

Squinter.

I really never thought that I'd be so happy to see my pregnancy test get so light.

I do have to admit that it wasn't first thing in the morning. It was taken around 9:30 am and I had already had a grande iced coffee. But still. I'm very hopeful that we'll be ready to rock and roll with blood testing next week.

We had a nice escape weekend. My in-laws came to town and while I didn't feel ready to entertain, it ended up being a very nice getaway. I was able to get my mind off things but also have a few nice chats with my mother-in-law about everything (some things get lost in translation when the hubs is involved ;) ).

Downward trend

I decided to take a pregnancy test today. My first blood draw won't be until March 30th and I wanted to get an idea of where I'm at.

I'm pleased. I half expected it to be darker after the month-long hell I went through with the last loss. I'm hoping that I'll get super lucky and my next blood draw will show a level < 5. That would be amazeballs!

My in-laws are coming into town today and they'll be here for a week. I'm kind of sad because I was secretly hoping that we'd be able to celebrate a new addition to the family while they were here, but obviously that's not the case. It still stinks. We're off to Sedona, Flagstaff, and the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Yes, I live in Phoenix. No, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. I'll check that off the list on Sunday!

Happy Friday!!

Funnies

I know, I know. I'm not *technically* infertile...I just can't carry little ones for more than 9 weeks. But I still thought this was pretty funny and I can't even tell you how many times I've been told this.

And there's this good read, too.

One Week

Well, we've survived the first week since losing our angel. I suppose we technically lost him/her before that but it's been one week since we found out. What's happened in that week?

• An awful and traumatizing ultrasound.
• Discussing our options with Dr. M.
• Discussing the next steps with Dr. M.
• A flu bug or working myself up so much that I made myself physically ill.
• 7 1/2 hours in the ER due to dehydration.
• Second guessing a D&C.
• Crying in the operating room and having Dr. M. comfort me.
• Having a D&C and sending off our little one to be tested.
• Finding a uterine septum.
• Countless tears.
• Many discussions with E about the future.
• Surviving a pregnant lady bumping into me with her very pregnant belly in the grocery store...2 days after surgery.
• Surviving a Facebook pregnancy announcement with a due date 16 days after our second angel should have been joining us.
• Hope.

The first week after a loss is always the most difficult and I feel like E and I have handled it very well this time. I think our new found hope has a lot to do with it. Maybe we have an answer for our losses?

But we still have a lot of work to do.

Jealousy is a witch

When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.

By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.

I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A pregnancy announcement. Due July 20^th. 16 days after our third little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.

Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much. I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very sad.

It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for feeling that way let alone admitting to it.

I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.

Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more irritable.

I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be able to get back to where I used to be.