On the verge of waving the white flag

Today was a big day!

I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.

I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!

Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.

I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!

My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.

The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.

1. The renal ultrasound would be first.
2. She would perform a transvaginal ultrasound.
3. The radiologist assistant would come in and they would do the hysterosonogram together. She explained the procedure and said that it would be mildly uncomfortable but I shouldn't experience too much pain. They would insert a speculum, insert the catheter into the cervix, insert the transvaginal wand, and finally, slowly insert the saline (wow, sorry for all of the inserts).

Of course the renal exam was super easy and I got to empty my bladder right away. I'm a pro at transvaginal ultrasounds nowadays so it was extremely quick. And then she had me empty my bladder again. Clearly I didn't drink the water early enough because they got me in so early (I was done with the transvaginal ultrasound by 10:27).

The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.

At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.

I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?

Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.

One of these days we will get a definitive answer!

It's been a whirlwind, part one

The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!

Part one: No heartbeat.

We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.

I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.

E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.

When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.

We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.

When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.

We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:

• She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
• We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
• She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
• She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
• At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She  mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.

So, surgery is scheduled for Friday evening, nothing to eat or drink after 9 am and then things would be done.

E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.

It's time!

I fully expect to be told that there's no heartbeat. I just know that's what will happen and it TERRIFIES me. Every other miscarriage was natural. The first was a complete shock and surprise. The others we tried to stay positive but they also took us by surprise.

I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...

Not a good feeling

I woke up this morning feeling as though something wasn't right. I can't explain it but it's made me feel anxious and nervous all morning. Then, shortly after waking up I started to feel as I normally do before Aunt Flow shows up: it's not cramps but there's definitely something going on in my uterus. It's an awful feeling.

I've tried really, really hard to remain optimistic throughout this pregnancy and with the exception of a few days, I have done really well. But right now it's getting tough.

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks based on LMP. Nugget was 7w1d last Thursday so theoretically she should be 8w1d WITH a heartbeat. I really hope everything is okay but I can't shake the feeling that I'll be going to see Ellen after my ultrasound to get a D&C scheduled.

Just a little over 24 hours. Go time, go!

Waiting is the worst 2.0

Sometimes I really don't understand how life can be so cruel.  I had come to terms with the fact that our precious little nugget had probably already passed and knew that E and I would make it through another loss together. We just had to get through the ultrasound. Hang on to your bootstraps ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one!

We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.

We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!

Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?

We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!

Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:

1. She is going to treat this as a viable pregnancy because there is a fetus and a strong heartbeat. Her philosophy is to not be so concerned with the sac size once the fetus is present and she's sticking with that. I agree with her, however, later in pregnancy doctors are concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, so why wouldn't they be concerned about it now, you know?  Anyway, I'm not a doctor.


2. She reminded me that not all pregnancies go exactly as spelled out in the textbooks, and that could just be the case with ours.


3. I asked if she thinks the progesterone is the only thing sustaining the pregnancy and she gave me an immediate "NO". She believes that if the pregnancy wasn't meant to survive, the progesterone wouldn't be enough to allow it to progress.


4. She suggested that we consider early pregnancy genetic counseling a little earlier than most. Based on my track record and the fact that we're not really following the textbook, she believes it would be best. I, of course, got nervous and shaky but she tried multiple times to reassure me that she doesn't think our baby has a higher chance than any other baby of having any issues. I didn't ask for specifics and because we've never been at this point before I don't know specific names of the tests, so bear with me. One test wouldn't happen until 10-12 (I think) weeks because it requires ultrasounds to look at specific body parts. The test that we could do right now is the progenity blood test which looks for the chances of the baby having trisomy 13, 18, and 21.

So that's where we're at. E and I discussed testing and I'll be honest, it was really scary thinking about it all and I got really overwhelmed. I know all parents have to decide if they'll do the testing but the fact that she brought it up makes me think that a small part of her believes that's the issue. E's initial response was no to testing, but after he heard my side, he changed his mind. The results wouldn't change our view in any way; it's still our baby, one that we've worked so hard for, and we would love him or her all the same. BUT, I would want to be able to prepare myself. If I only get to hold my baby in my arms for a few hours I want to know that our time is limited and drink up every last moment of it. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Right?

It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!

Waiting is the worst

It feels like we had our last ultrasound a lifetime ago and Thursday feels like it is still two lifetimes away! I don't feel pregnant anymore. Granted, I didn't feel overly pregnant last week either. Last week I randomly got my sore boobs, slight morning sickness, and tiredness back on Tuesday and it lasted through Thursday. But since waking up Friday morning, I haven't had much of anything. Today I had slight morning sickness for a few hours but that's it.

The waiting and uncertainty is almost unbearable. I'm having a very difficult time trying to go about my daily business not knowing if my baby is alive or dead.

I really hope we get some definitive answers on Thursday. Of course I'm still praying and hoping that we will see that a miracle has taken place and that the sac is now right on track, but I know the chances of that happening are extremely slim. It's so sad knowing that our little baby is so squished in his/her home.

Here's hoping today and tomorrow speed by!

Limbo

I've been having a tough time deciding if I should write this post now or wait. I've obviously decided to. We are 100% in limbo right now and it's an awful, agonizing experience.

We had our ultrasound Thursday morning. Right when the tech came in I started to get teary eyed and then the tears started to fall. She asked if I was okay and thankfully, Eric replied for me by saying that it's a scary experience for us because we haven't had much luck in the past. She started with an abdominal ultrasound and I knew right away there was nothing there. She asked how far along we were and then decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. When she walked out of the room, I turned to Eric and said "Game over." and started crying again.

I finally composed myself and the tech came back in to get started. It all happened fast, but right when she began, I saw a sac and I saw something in it. Then I looked closer and I could see flickering on the screen. WE HAVE A BABY WITH A HEARTBEAT. She mentioned that she saw the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat. I asked if we would hear the heartbeat and she said of course. She didn't seem overly happy, though, so I asked if everything looked all right. This was the same tech that we had during the last pregnancy so she said she wanted to be completely honest so that we wouldn't have any surprises. She gave us a 50-50 chance of this pregnancy being viable because the gestational sac looked very small. I asked if the heartbeat was okay and she said yes, it was 109bpm so it had probably just recently begun beating.
We have to go back next Thursday. Hopefully the sac will have caught up but if it not, we'll see one of two things: either the sac will not have grown substantially and the pregnancy will not be viable or the heart will have stopped beating.

No one has been able to give us a whole lot of information other than the baby was measuring 6w3d (6.4mm) and the sac measured 5w2d (7mm). Of course I started researching once I got home and I really wish that I hadn't. Based on the limited research of small sac syndrome, we have a 80-94% chance of losing this baby because the difference between the sac and CRL is less than 5mm.

We're crushed. It was our first time hearing any of our babies heartbeats and it was a game changer. Of course we loved all three of our previous babies, but it almost felt like we met this baby for the first time on Thursday. We're going to be devastated if we lose him/her. We've decided to try to not dwell too much on the negative but still be realistic. As Ellen said, "Prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best". That's what we're doing. I'm also trying to focus on showing this little one as much love as possible so that's all that he/she will have known if something bad does happen.

Now, I'll leave you with a picture of our sweet little one who we pray stays with us.