No Escape.

I just wrote about this. It makes me whiny. I could just delete my Facebook but I don't want to.

I just can't escape the pregnancy announcements. Seriously I think EVERYONE is having a baby in October except me. Not only is a girl from high school (who is now engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months because of the baby) but a girl that E and I both used to work with. I feel like I've moved on from being mad about the announcements (progress, y'all. Progress.) and I honestly am happy for them (especially the girl that we used to work with because she's an awesome mom to her two kids).

But it stings. It really, really stings.

I saw a psychic over the weekend and he told me that I need to stop playing the victim because that's the only way that I'm going to move on. I had to double check that I was speaking with a psychic and not a therapist. But he was right. I am playing the victim. That's what RPL does to us.

I'm really trying my best to let my anger flood from my body and I feel that the small gesture of liking her post and genuinely feeling happy for her shows that I'm working on it. But honestly? I don't think announcements will ever be comfortable until we get the opportunity to do so.

Before I never really wanted to announce a pregnancy on Facebook. My thoughts were that those who I wanted to know would know from talking to me and with so many things able to go wrong in those 9 months, it wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I think my thoughts have changed.

Now I can't wait until we get to announce a pregnancy. And I probably will do it on Facebook. Not only for the selfish reason of wanting to announce it to the world but also to give those who are secretly dealing with RPL or infertility. I want to tell them that we have "x" number of angels watching over our miracle and someday they'll be able to say the same.

We all will.

*Update*
Today's just not a good day. To add a tablespoonful of salt to injury, there was yet another October announcement tonight and a former student of mine posted that his sister, who is a junior in high school and is a former student of mine too, had a baby today. WTF universe? I must've really screwed up in a former life.

Jealousy is a witch

When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.

By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.

I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A pregnancy announcement. Due July 20^th. 16 days after our third little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.

Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much. I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very sad.

It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for feeling that way let alone admitting to it.

I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.

Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more irritable.

I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be able to get back to where I used to be.