Funnies

I know, I know. I'm not *technically* infertile...I just can't carry little ones for more than 9 weeks. But I still thought this was pretty funny and I can't even tell you how many times I've been told this.

And there's this good read, too.

Part three...all done

At three, the ER nurse had registration come down to get me all checked in for the outpatient procedure which was very helpful. Once that was done she wheeled me up to the waiting room, again avoiding most people in the hospital. I was so thankful because I looked like a MESS.

We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.

My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.

Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.

Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.

I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.

When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.

Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.

We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.

I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.

Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.

Part two

I went to sleep Thursday night around 8:30 and was awake by 10:30. I was feeling awful. I felt gassy and there was a lot of movement in my stomach. I felt nauseous and terrible. TMI ALERT!!

It's been a whirlwind, part one

The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!

Part one: No heartbeat.

We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.

I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.

E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.

When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.

We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.

When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.

We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:

• She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
• We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
• She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
• She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
• At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She  mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.

So, surgery is scheduled for Friday evening, nothing to eat or drink after 9 am and then things would be done.

E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.

The basics

The basics for now.

• Sadly the baby wasn't meant to stay with us and only measured 7w3d (2 days of growth) with no heartbeat.
• I am getting a D&C tomorrow evening and thankfully Dr. M will be performing the surgery
  

• We are absolutely crushed and don't understand why this is happening to us over and over again.
• A fertility specialist is next.

More later.

I AM a mom.

There are many difficult things about miscarriage, especially having multiple miscarriages and no live children. But I think for me, one of the most difficult aspects is my inner battle of whether or not I'm a mother.

Have I carried a child for nine months? No. Have I experienced the joy and love when holding my child for the first time? No. Have I woken up multiple times at night to feed my little one? No. The list goes on. That being said, I have carried multiple little ones, I have grieved the loss of three children, and I have worried countless hours about my children. Does that make me a mother? YES.

My first miscarriage happened last April which made May 11th an extremely difficult day for me.

Mother's Day.

To make matters worse, it was the day that we had planned to tell our parents that we were expecting as it was to be shortly before the end of the first trimester. I remember calling my mom and my sister to wish them a happy mother's day and made an excuse to have to quickly end the call. If I hadn't, I would've started to cry because I so badly wanted to be wished a happy mother's day, too.

E and I have been pretty private and quiet about our losses. There's a very limited number of people who know and we're certainly not posting on Facebook. I think a part of my struggle stems from this fact as so few people know that I am a mom which it makes me feel even less of a mom. But damn it, I am a mom! I may not have any little babies to show for it and I may not be sleep deprived, but I'm a mom. I have created four humans who unfortunately never got a to say a proper hello to the world, but it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mom.

I really hope that society begins to change its views on miscarriage because so many of us feel as if we need to hide in the shadows and not tell our stories. In addition we don't get recognized as mothers which makes the whole situation worse. So ladies who have miscarried and unfortunately still have no living children, take a few minutes to celebrate your version of motherhood and while you're at it celebrate your husband, boyfriend, or significant other because he is a father.

Silence.

A few weeks after I wrote my last post I went silent and got good news. I found out that I was pregnant, again!

Pregnancy #3. My hopes were high! To make a long story short, there was much stressing over betas, empty sacs, etc. My HCG levels rose, but they were on the higher end of the 48-72 hours but we made it to 1,500 and did an ultrasound. It was the first time we saw anything on an ultrasound, but unfortunately it was an empty sac. At the time I was 6w3d based on LMP and 6w0d based on ovulation. The sac measured 5w5d. The tech said it was probably just too early and not to worry about it. We rescheduled our ultrasound for December 1st and went on our 2 week European vacation.

We had a WONDERFUL time on our getaway and can't wait to do some more traveling soon. I spotted throughout the entire pregnancy but it got really bad the day before we left to come home, so November 29th. It was still brown but there was much more. We were supposed to return to the States on November 30th but because of a threat at the Edinburgh airport, we ended up stranded at London Heathrow and knew we would miss our next ultrasound appointment.
When we eventually left, the plane ride home was torture because I knew in my heart things weren't right. The spotting was turning pink and light red.

The next morning I went to my sister's house to watch my nephew as planned. I was lightly bleeding red at that point and had mild cramps. I called the doctor to explain what was going on and they were able to get me in for an ultrasound at 1:15. Unfortunately I didn't make it. About 20 minutes after calling, I was in excruciating pain and was bleeding through pads in a matter of minutes.

We made the decision to go to the ER because of the amount of pain I was experiencing. They gave me morpheme to help me feel more comfortable and did a pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound. My blood work came back somewhere around 4,500 and my uterus was empty; I had already passed the sac. I was 9 weeks exactly.

This was by far the most devastating and traumatic loss. I thought I would handle it fine, but the pain was awful. To make matters worse, I ended up bleeding and spotting for nearly a month. But we survived!

Dealing with it

The next few days and weeks were really difficult. I was away from my husband and trying to deal with the loss of a second baby. Now, some may think it's silly that I was so upset over these losses considering that I knew that I was pregnant for such a short time, and to those I say I hope you never experience it. For a couple who has so badly wanted to be parents, it was devastating.

I wouldn't say that I was necessarily ever depressed or am right now, but I have noticed a few things about myself.

1. I have found comfort in food. As much as I don't want to admit it and want to ignore it, I've put on quite a few pounds that I am hoping to lose soon. 
2. I became obsessed with finding a reason. I went to the doctor and she wanted to start testing right away, but due to insurance requirements, we would have to suffer a 3rd loss first. I hope it never comes to that. 
3. My baby fever has become even worse. I hope our chance comes soon!

Bean #2

The doctor told us to wait at least one but preferably 2 cycles before trying again, but we didn't completely follow the rules. I was still taking ovulation tests and trying to get pregnant again as quickly as possible, because I figured it would help me heal. Each month, shortly before my expected period, I would start obsessively testing and hoping that it was our chance.

July 12th was our day! Again, I wanted to wait to tell my husband but when the digital test said "Pregnant 1-2" I couldn't keep it to myself. He was cautiously optimistic and excited and again we decided that we would get overly excited. Yeah, that didn't last, again. We were already talking about names!

I left 3 days later for a month-long trip to visit family. We didn't want to tell our families because it was still early, so we decided that every week milestone that we met would be followed by Eric reading that information to me over the phone from a great book that we had. I was a little nervous because my tests were getting only slightly darker, similar to the last pregnancy, but we decided that we had to be in the clear because a very small percentage of women have recurrent miscarriages.

I arrived in Michigan on a Wednesday evening and Thursday morning I woke up and ran to the bathroom to test again expecting to see a nice, dark line. What I saw was the complete opposite. It was almost gone. I called Eric, at three in the morning his time, balling. We decided to tell my mom and dad since they would know something was wrong.

The next few days, I tested multiple times a day. The tests started to get darker again so I thought "Maybe we ARE in the clear". Sadly that wasn't the case. July 22nd I woke up, grabbed a digital test, took the dog out, went to the restroom, took the test, wiped and saw brown. Again. It was in that moment I knew that our second pregnancy had failed. On top of it all, the test said "Not pregnant". I was supposed to go into the doctor when I got back in a few weeks for blood work and an ultrasound, so I called to cancel. The nurse basically told me that I was crazy and I wasn't miscarrying, but I knew. The next day I started bleeding heavily and was in excruciating pain both physically and mentally.

Bean #1

My husband and I got married October 26, 2013 but we didn't go on our honeymoon right away because of work. Instead, we delayed our honeymoon until March 2014. We discussed starting a family many times but decided to wait until after our honeymoon. But I really had baby fever, so it was tough for me to wait those 5 months.

Our honeymoon came and we had a fantastic time in the sun. I had just stopped using the birth control pill, so we were hoping to get our family started soon. At that point, it was in God's hands. When we got home, life went on as usual. But as my expected period approached, I started to feel off. My period was supposed to start, but it didn't. I was so excited and took a pregnancy test but it was stark white and I was crushed. The next few days I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

April 6th- It was one of the happiest days of my life. We got our positive pregnancy test! It was so light that I could barely see the line, but it was there! Our first month trying! I was going to wait a few days to tell my husband to make sure I was FOR REAL pregnant but I couldn't hold off. I told him right away! We were both over the moon excited, but we agreed that we weren't going to get too excited because we knew of a few people who had recently miscarried. That didn't last long. That night we were already discussing our plans of when and how to tell our parents, looking at our potential due date (December 10th, by the way). We knew we were going to tell our families around Mother's Day and we were so excited!

The next few days, many of the symptoms started to disappear. I also noticed that the ten million tests I was taking after the first positive test were barely getting darker. That's what made me worry. I talked to my sister and she assured me that it was probably okay. But the next day I still wasn't feel good about it so I called and scheduled blood work. Thursday I got my blood work and Friday morning didn't go by fast enough because all I wanted was those results.

Friday afternoon on my drive home from work, I received the call and was so excited. But I could immediately hear the concern in the nurse's voice. She told me that my beta numbers were only 89. With my research online, I knew that was fairly low for 5 weeks. She reminded me that beta numbers don't mean anything until the doubling time was known so I needed to come back on Monday.

I was a wreck because I was so scared and anxious for Monday. We decided to stay in that night because I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I went to bed around 8pm because I was exhausted but woke up at 10pm because my back was hurting. I immediately went to the bathroom and felt relieved when I didn't see blood. I downstairs by my husband so he could rub my back and after a few minutes we decided to go to bed. While he let the dog out, I, for some reason, decided to go check again. This time, I saw exactly what I didn't want to see. Brown. A lot of brown.

We ended up spending 8 hours in the ER that night. Nothing was seen on an ultrasound and we discovered that my beta that night was already down to 13. 89 to 13 in 24 hours. We knew it was done. In the span of one week, we skyrocketed to the highest point on life's emotional roller coaster all the way do the absolute bottom. Our  baby, with whom we had already began bonding, was gone. We would never get to meet him/her. We would never get to name him/her. We would never get to hold him/her. We would never get to say the words "I love you" to him/her. Gone.

It was the most traumatic experience of my life, of our lives. I took off work for a few days because emotionally, I couldn't be in a classroom full of teenagers, some of whom were pregnant themselves. Sunday and Monday I had no other symptoms, but Tuesday is when the true miscarriage began and it was again traumatic. I had  started to feel a little better only to have that awful reminder that my body had failed me.

I met with my doctor a few days later and he told me it was more than likely a chromosomal abnormality and most women go on to have healthy pregnancies after miscarriages. He told us to wait a few cycles and begin trying again.

Slowly, I started to get back to normal. I realized the miscarriage was not my fault. I realized that this was a part of God's plan for us and that he would grace us with a baby when the time was right. I realized that life had to go on. Thankfully I have an extremely supportive husband who let me cry on his shoulder, burst into tears at completely random times, and talk about our pain openly. Plus, I had very supportive parents and an awesome sister who was so helpful. They are who got me through that difficult time.