Control- I need you!

I’ve never been someone who likes control. Instead I’ve always been very passive and indecisive. Well, until we experienced repeat pregnancy loss.

Since our second loss, I’ve noticed that when it comes to getting pregnant I try to find control in strange places.

• During the two week wait I would obsess over every symptom and keep track of them all in three different TTC apps.
• At 9dpo, I would start testing, sometimes multiple times a day. I would squint my eyes and take pictures of every test hoping that I would see something on the darn test.
• When I found out I was pregnant, I would obsessively test to watch progression. I would again take millions of pictures to compare what they looked like against the test from the day before.

None of this gave me what I needed and just made me crazy, but it gave me a false sense of control.

Now that E and I are stuck and are literally trying to prevent getting pregnant (which is a very confusing experience since we want a baby so badly), I again find that I’m lacking control in my life.

• I have no control over when we’ll be able to do testing because I have to wait for my HCG levels to go down.
• I have no control over when the MRI will be done because it will be dependent on when I can get scheduled.
• I have no control over when I will have my first appointment with a fertility specialist because it will be dependent on their schedule.
• I have no control over when I’ll be able to have the surgery on my uterine septum.
• While I have an idea of when we might be able to try to conceive again (maybe 5-6 months) I don’t really have any control over that either because there are so many factors in play.

So I’ve decided to try to focus my need for control in a different area of my life, one that I actually can control. My health. The last year has been traumatic and difficult. I still haven’t found a good coping mechanism for all of the pain and heartache. Instead I’ve spent twelve months comforting myself by baking and eating…not a good combination. I’ve gained weight over the past year and I’m not happy with where I am. Blaming my weight gain on our emotional turmoil is just an excuse, but it’s also the truth.

And now I’m ready to change.

I was doing well with getting healthier and losing weight in January but then I found out I was pregnant again. I don’t want to comfort myself this time with food. I want to comfort myself with a good stress outlet (working out) and fuel my body in preparation for another pregnancy in 6 months.

But I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I will NOT go to the gym because I don’t like others watching and judging me. I will be working out at home but need someone to help me stay accountable. I’m looking at you!

I’m starting a challenge group on March 30^th to not only lose weight but to get healthy and I want YOU to join me! I did so well in my last challenge group (8 pounds and 18 inches) that I want to do it again and go EVEN FARTHER.

If you’re interested in getting healthy, no matter what the reason, let me know! Let’s do this together and meet our goals!

Send an email to: boikcm@gmail.com
Subject: GET HEALTHY!