Preparing for the worst

At 1:00 on Friday, I decided that if Ellen called me back I wasn't going to answer and I wasn't going to listen to her voicemail until Sunday night. We were leaving for Vegas with our friends and I didn't want to ruin my weekend if there was bad news.

Ellen never called and I tried to put my bad thoughts out of my mind for the weekend. We told our friends about the pregnancy and just asked that they keep it to themselves and not get too excited  yet. We had a great time! E and I both won money, plus, I saw Britney Spears in concert. YES.

I called the doctor's office this morning and then waited around for the call back. Michelle, who I've only spoken with once or twice, called to let me know that my HCG last Thursday was 1410. 1410.

 

It's a little blurry, but clearly shows that we're fast approaching the danger zone. This is EXACTLY what happened with our last pregnancy. My numbers started off low, but they were doubling at an amazing rate (20-30 hours) and then slowly started to slow down until they drastically slowed.

I'm trying not to give up completely yet, but deep down inside I know this is the end of the road. This is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I'm waiting for a call from the office that does ultrasounds. Hopefully they call this afternoon and I can get it set up for this week. I'm praying that it is a viable pregnancy and also that it is not ectopic.

Sigh.

2-3

I took another one of those stupid Clear Blue Weeks Estimator tests and it still says 2-3. I should be well over 2,000 by now so I know the news that I receive in a few hours about my blood work from yesterday won't be good. Sigh. We really just can't catch a break.

I'm hoping that I'll get to speak with Ellen. When I spoke with her yesterday, we had planned to set up my ultrasound for next Thursday (7 weeks) but now I have a few things that I want to discuss.

1. Do I even need to do that ultrasound?
2. Should I continue to take the progesterone? We're going away this weekend so I'll keep taking it through Saturday night either way because I don't want something to happen while we're gone, but is it really worth continuing?
3. Why us?
4. If we can help it, I'd much rather have a D&C this time. I wanted one last time, but God and nature didn't allow for it. This time I would really prefer to have it done if possible. But that also gives me mixed feelings. Then I feel like I'm intentionally aborting a baby. I know that technically it isn't if the pregnancy isn't viable and I would miscarry eventually anyway, but part of me feels that way.

Vegas should be really fun this weekend.

Progression

Below is my progression so far on Wondfo tests. The top is my test from yesterday, 23dpo. I'm glad to see some change.

My last blood draw was on Monday (2/16) which was 21dpo. I was supposed to go back on Friday (2/20) for my last draw but I asked to go in today instead. Ellen (my favorite nurse at the office) was very accomodating when I explained that I unexpectedly have the day off today so it would be easier to come in today.

I'm nervous. Really, really nervous. I'm afraid that my levels will have slowed tremendously just like the last time. I'm also really nervous for the ultrasound. I explained that my mom is in town until next Thursday and it would be easiest to have the ultrasound while she is still here so that she can watch my nephew. Theoretically, my levels should be WAY over 1500-3000 at that point and we should see something.

I'll have my latest draw results tomorrow and will update then.

#4

While waiting for my clotting results to come back, I got a crazy surprise. I'm currently pregnant for the fourth time since March 2014. As I told E, there aren't many women who can say they've been pregnant four times in a year! My sister gave me the nickname "Fertile Myrtle" when we told her. Sigh.

Now we can't do any of the clotting tests again until I am not pregnant. Obviously, I hope that means that we have a LONG time until we can do that testing but only time will tell!

So far, things are going okay. Dr. M wanted to put me on vaginal progesterone suppositories but unfortunately our insurance wasn't on board. Instead, I've been taking 100mg orally every night.  I had one episode of spotting at 4w2d or 3w5d (assuming I ovulated on CD 19 like normal; we weren't trying or tracking this cycle) but it was only when I wiped and I haven't had anymore since. I'm really scared that the progesterone might be giving me false hope.

Ellen, my favorite nurse, asked how I wanted to approach this pregnancy and I decided that I wanted to do the same as the last pregnancy. Ensure that betas are doubling properly and then an early ultrasound once I hit 1,500. Here's where we're at:

2/4 (9dpo, the day I found out) at 10:45am = 10
2/6 (11dpo) at 10:00am = 34 (27.19 hours)
2/9 (14dpo) at 2:00pm = 93 (52.35 hours)
2/16 (21dpo) at 10:00 = 994 (47.98 hours)

Personally, I think they're low BUT with the exception of the 11 to 14dpo draw, they're doubling within 48 hours. My next draw will be this Friday but I won't get the results until next Monday. I feel like I'm in HELL.

I was telling my mom today that my biggest issue right now is control. I'm not a controlling person. In fact, I am extremely indecisive and would rather that everyone else make decisions for me. With that said, the last pregnancy and this one, I'm realizing that pregnancy tests are the only way for me to feel somewhat in control of what is happening. I promised E that I wouldn't test everyday like I did the last time. I've kept that promise because I'm not testing daily, but I'm certainly testing every other day and I am OBSESSING. It's so difficult when there is absolutely nothing that you can do.

When I got the call with my results this morning, I was hoping for at least 1,000 but knew that a proper double from last Monday would have been 1,116. When the nurse said 994, I was glad that we were at least close to 1,000.

We're remaining cautiously optimistic right now, but to be honest, I'm really trying not to get too attached. It's so difficult.

As for this blog, I'm hoping to continue documenting this pregnancy. After our last loss I threw out all of my pregnancy tests and deleted all of my beta levels and now I regret that. This time, I'm keeping it all right here!

Testing.

At my post-miscarriage appointment, Dr. M and I discussed our next steps. Game plan in hand, I felt much more optimistic. It included:

1. Re-test my thyroid.
2. Test for a handful of clotting disorders.
3. Karyotype testing of both E and I.
4. Check out my uterus to look for a septum.

She also said that she would be more than happy to refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist if I wanted, but E and I decided that we weren't quite ready for that yet.

My thyroid, once again, came back normal so we moved on to clotting testing. This turned out to be a nightmare. Once I got the list of tests (anticardiolipin antibody, anti lupus antibody, beta 2 glycoprotein, protein c activity, protein s activity, antithrombin III gene mutation, prothrombin gene mutation) I received the "OK" from our insurance company and had my 13 vials of blood sucked from my body. Seriously, I was concerned about driving because I've never had that much blood taken before!

The antilupus antibody, protein c activity, and protein s activity all came back normal. The others, well, who knows. There was some kind of miscommunication with the lab and the rest of the samples were lost.

More on this in the next post!

Silence.

A few weeks after I wrote my last post I went silent and got good news. I found out that I was pregnant, again!

Pregnancy #3. My hopes were high! To make a long story short, there was much stressing over betas, empty sacs, etc. My HCG levels rose, but they were on the higher end of the 48-72 hours but we made it to 1,500 and did an ultrasound. It was the first time we saw anything on an ultrasound, but unfortunately it was an empty sac. At the time I was 6w3d based on LMP and 6w0d based on ovulation. The sac measured 5w5d. The tech said it was probably just too early and not to worry about it. We rescheduled our ultrasound for December 1st and went on our 2 week European vacation.

We had a WONDERFUL time on our getaway and can't wait to do some more traveling soon. I spotted throughout the entire pregnancy but it got really bad the day before we left to come home, so November 29th. It was still brown but there was much more. We were supposed to return to the States on November 30th but because of a threat at the Edinburgh airport, we ended up stranded at London Heathrow and knew we would miss our next ultrasound appointment.
When we eventually left, the plane ride home was torture because I knew in my heart things weren't right. The spotting was turning pink and light red.

The next morning I went to my sister's house to watch my nephew as planned. I was lightly bleeding red at that point and had mild cramps. I called the doctor to explain what was going on and they were able to get me in for an ultrasound at 1:15. Unfortunately I didn't make it. About 20 minutes after calling, I was in excruciating pain and was bleeding through pads in a matter of minutes.

We made the decision to go to the ER because of the amount of pain I was experiencing. They gave me morpheme to help me feel more comfortable and did a pelvic exam, blood work, and an ultrasound. My blood work came back somewhere around 4,500 and my uterus was empty; I had already passed the sac. I was 9 weeks exactly.

This was by far the most devastating and traumatic loss. I thought I would handle it fine, but the pain was awful. To make matters worse, I ended up bleeding and spotting for nearly a month. But we survived!