No news is NOT always good news.

Today was the day! I FINALLY had my post-D&C appointment and I was really looking forward to it. I was seriously giddy all morning.

I called E right after the appointment and summed up the appointment really well. "In true Crystal fashion, nothing can happen easily."

Here are the highlights:

•  Dr. M is concerned because we don't have the pathology results from the baby. She was honest and said that we should've had them by now, she's put multiple calls into the lab and she still hasn't heard back. She's concerned that the lab may have lost the baby and no testing was done. Fingers crossed that isn't the case!
• She mentioned that if we do get the results, she believes they will show that the baby was chromosomally normal. This is where we transitioned to the septum. She said the septum was rather large (I think she said something to the extent of it taking up about 3/4 of the "endometrial area" or something). She believes that this pregnancy didn't survive because there wasn't enough room for the sac and baby to grow. She thinks it literally ran out of room.
• She's decided to do a hysterosonogram/saline infusion sonogram instead of the MRI. I was really excited when she told me the reason she decided on this. She said it typically takes 2-3 weeks for someone to get in for the MRI but the hysterosonogram could be done today! WOOHOO! Yes, please! 
• She's going to get started on the surgery side of things (insurance, booking, etc.) in the meantime. The surgery will be performed by her and the senior doctor of the practice will be doing the ultrasound during the surgery. She's also booking me for a laparoscopic surgery just in case the ultrasound doesn't show everything well enough.
• After the surgery, we'll have to wait 2-3 cycles before trying again.
• She put me on birth control pills after the D&C so she said to continue them but to not take the placebo pills, just continue on with another pack. The purpose is to allow us to do the surgery right when we want. Apparently it's best to do the surgery soon after the start of a new cycle, so when we have the surgery scheduled, we can manipulate my period to allow for the best timing.
• She believes the septum is the issue and didn't think the additional blood tests were necessary. I asked if we could still do them because I want to cover all of our bases and she agreed.

So after my appointment, I got the write up for the hysterosonogram (and a renal ultrasound...apparently uterine issues can sometimes signal kidney issues so she just wants to check things out), got blood drawn for HCG and my chromosome analysis and was on my merry way to the radiologist office.

Here's that saga:

• I went over, showed the receptionist my paperwork and asked if I could get in today because I was willing to wait (Dr. M has sent dozens of patients over and they were able to get in the same day). The receptionist informed me that they do the renal ultrasound there but not the other.
• I went back to Dr. M who tried calling over but she was put on hold for 10 minutes. So, she wrote "saline infusion ultrasound" on the paper and sent me over again. She said if she still insisted, we would find a different place because she wouldn't want them doing it.
• I returned to the radiologist and was told the same. Sigh. She told me I would have to go to office A for the hysterosonogram and office B for the renal ultrasound. Awesome.
• So I found my car and called the central scheduling office. That poor woman. She was probably so happy when she hung up with me.
• I told her the tests that I needed and also said I understood that I would need to go to two different places and that was fine. She put me on hold and then returned to the line after 5 or so minutes. She was happy to inform me that there was one office that had a tech who did renal ultrasounds and another who did the hysterosonogram and that they were in the office at the same time a few times a week. Perfect!
• She said the best time to do the saline ultrasound was between CD 7-11 so I would have to call back on CD 1 to get it scheduled. Uh oh. I explained my predicament (Dr. M wants me to continue with the BC pill and no placebos until surgery time). I ensured her that there was no chance of me being pregnant and that I would have my HCG results tomorrow. She seemed unsure but booked me anyway for next Monday. I gave her the date of my D&C and she said she would push the information onto the ultrasound tech. If the ultrasound tech is concerned or won't do the ultrasound then, I'll have to stop the birth control and call back on CD 1. AHHHH!

Like I said, nothing can happen easily. Best case scenario? I'll have the ultrasound next Monday, Dr. M will have the results within 3 days, and I'll have surgery during the month of April. Then we'd wait 2-3 cycles and as Dr. M said, hopefully we'll be in the second trimester at the end of 2015.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed that the best case scenario is what becomes reality!!

No Escape.

I just wrote about this. It makes me whiny. I could just delete my Facebook but I don't want to.

I just can't escape the pregnancy announcements. Seriously I think EVERYONE is having a baby in October except me. Not only is a girl from high school (who is now engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months because of the baby) but a girl that E and I both used to work with. I feel like I've moved on from being mad about the announcements (progress, y'all. Progress.) and I honestly am happy for them (especially the girl that we used to work with because she's an awesome mom to her two kids).

But it stings. It really, really stings.

I saw a psychic over the weekend and he told me that I need to stop playing the victim because that's the only way that I'm going to move on. I had to double check that I was speaking with a psychic and not a therapist. But he was right. I am playing the victim. That's what RPL does to us.

I'm really trying my best to let my anger flood from my body and I feel that the small gesture of liking her post and genuinely feeling happy for her shows that I'm working on it. But honestly? I don't think announcements will ever be comfortable until we get the opportunity to do so.

Before I never really wanted to announce a pregnancy on Facebook. My thoughts were that those who I wanted to know would know from talking to me and with so many things able to go wrong in those 9 months, it wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I think my thoughts have changed.

Now I can't wait until we get to announce a pregnancy. And I probably will do it on Facebook. Not only for the selfish reason of wanting to announce it to the world but also to give those who are secretly dealing with RPL or infertility. I want to tell them that we have "x" number of angels watching over our miracle and someday they'll be able to say the same.

We all will.

*Update*
Today's just not a good day. To add a tablespoonful of salt to injury, there was yet another October announcement tonight and a former student of mine posted that his sister, who is a junior in high school and is a former student of mine too, had a baby today. WTF universe? I must've really screwed up in a former life.

Due Date

Here I am.
Four failed pregnancies.
Currently not pregnant.
Actively trying to prevent pregnancy.
And today is the day that we should have welcomed our second little one to the world.

After our first pregnancy, I was so hopeful that I would be pregnant on bean #1's due date. Instead I was bleeding from my third miscarriage that had happened one week before.

Then I was hopeful that I would be pregnant for bean #2's due date. Nope. Instead our fourth little one had to be removed a week and a half ago on Friday the 13th.

I'm very, very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant for bean #3 and nugget's due dates with the same baby because that baby will be our miracle. July 4th and October 15th. I'm hopeful.

While I'm not doing anything in particular to celebrate bean #2 (well, I do plan to order a bear for nugget from Project B.E.A.R. today to sit with the three others), he/she has been and will continue to be on my mind today just like every other day.

Squinter.

I really never thought that I'd be so happy to see my pregnancy test get so light.

I do have to admit that it wasn't first thing in the morning. It was taken around 9:30 am and I had already had a grande iced coffee. But still. I'm very hopeful that we'll be ready to rock and roll with blood testing next week.

We had a nice escape weekend. My in-laws came to town and while I didn't feel ready to entertain, it ended up being a very nice getaway. I was able to get my mind off things but also have a few nice chats with my mother-in-law about everything (some things get lost in translation when the hubs is involved ;) ).

Downward trend

I decided to take a pregnancy test today. My first blood draw won't be until March 30th and I wanted to get an idea of where I'm at.

I'm pleased. I half expected it to be darker after the month-long hell I went through with the last loss. I'm hoping that I'll get super lucky and my next blood draw will show a level < 5. That would be amazeballs!

My in-laws are coming into town today and they'll be here for a week. I'm kind of sad because I was secretly hoping that we'd be able to celebrate a new addition to the family while they were here, but obviously that's not the case. It still stinks. We're off to Sedona, Flagstaff, and the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Yes, I live in Phoenix. No, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. I'll check that off the list on Sunday!

Happy Friday!!

Funnies

I know, I know. I'm not *technically* infertile...I just can't carry little ones for more than 9 weeks. But I still thought this was pretty funny and I can't even tell you how many times I've been told this.

And there's this good read, too.

One Week

Well, we've survived the first week since losing our angel. I suppose we technically lost him/her before that but it's been one week since we found out. What's happened in that week?

• An awful and traumatizing ultrasound.
• Discussing our options with Dr. M.
• Discussing the next steps with Dr. M.
• A flu bug or working myself up so much that I made myself physically ill.
• 7 1/2 hours in the ER due to dehydration.
• Second guessing a D&C.
• Crying in the operating room and having Dr. M. comfort me.
• Having a D&C and sending off our little one to be tested.
• Finding a uterine septum.
• Countless tears.
• Many discussions with E about the future.
• Surviving a pregnant lady bumping into me with her very pregnant belly in the grocery store...2 days after surgery.
• Surviving a Facebook pregnancy announcement with a due date 16 days after our second angel should have been joining us.
• Hope.

The first week after a loss is always the most difficult and I feel like E and I have handled it very well this time. I think our new found hope has a lot to do with it. Maybe we have an answer for our losses?

But we still have a lot of work to do.

Jealousy is a witch

When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.

By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.

I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A pregnancy announcement. Due July 20^th. 16 days after our third little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.

Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much. I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very sad.

It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for feeling that way let alone admitting to it.

I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.

Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more irritable.

I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be able to get back to where I used to be.

Control- I need you!

I’ve never been someone who likes control. Instead I’ve always been very passive and indecisive. Well, until we experienced repeat pregnancy loss.

Since our second loss, I’ve noticed that when it comes to getting pregnant I try to find control in strange places.

• During the two week wait I would obsess over every symptom and keep track of them all in three different TTC apps.
• At 9dpo, I would start testing, sometimes multiple times a day. I would squint my eyes and take pictures of every test hoping that I would see something on the darn test.
• When I found out I was pregnant, I would obsessively test to watch progression. I would again take millions of pictures to compare what they looked like against the test from the day before.

None of this gave me what I needed and just made me crazy, but it gave me a false sense of control.

Now that E and I are stuck and are literally trying to prevent getting pregnant (which is a very confusing experience since we want a baby so badly), I again find that I’m lacking control in my life.

• I have no control over when we’ll be able to do testing because I have to wait for my HCG levels to go down.
• I have no control over when the MRI will be done because it will be dependent on when I can get scheduled.
• I have no control over when I will have my first appointment with a fertility specialist because it will be dependent on their schedule.
• I have no control over when I’ll be able to have the surgery on my uterine septum.
• While I have an idea of when we might be able to try to conceive again (maybe 5-6 months) I don’t really have any control over that either because there are so many factors in play.

So I’ve decided to try to focus my need for control in a different area of my life, one that I actually can control. My health. The last year has been traumatic and difficult. I still haven’t found a good coping mechanism for all of the pain and heartache. Instead I’ve spent twelve months comforting myself by baking and eating…not a good combination. I’ve gained weight over the past year and I’m not happy with where I am. Blaming my weight gain on our emotional turmoil is just an excuse, but it’s also the truth.

And now I’m ready to change.

I was doing well with getting healthier and losing weight in January but then I found out I was pregnant again. I don’t want to comfort myself this time with food. I want to comfort myself with a good stress outlet (working out) and fuel my body in preparation for another pregnancy in 6 months.

But I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I will NOT go to the gym because I don’t like others watching and judging me. I will be working out at home but need someone to help me stay accountable. I’m looking at you!

I’m starting a challenge group on March 30^th to not only lose weight but to get healthy and I want YOU to join me! I did so well in my last challenge group (8 pounds and 18 inches) that I want to do it again and go EVEN FARTHER.

If you’re interested in getting healthy, no matter what the reason, let me know! Let’s do this together and meet our goals!

Send an email to: boikcm@gmail.com
Subject: GET HEALTHY!

Part three...all done

At three, the ER nurse had registration come down to get me all checked in for the outpatient procedure which was very helpful. Once that was done she wheeled me up to the waiting room, again avoiding most people in the hospital. I was so thankful because I looked like a MESS.

We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.

My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.

Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.

Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.

I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.

When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.

Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.

We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.

At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.

I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.

Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.

Part two

I went to sleep Thursday night around 8:30 and was awake by 10:30. I was feeling awful. I felt gassy and there was a lot of movement in my stomach. I felt nauseous and terrible. TMI ALERT!!

It's been a whirlwind, part one

The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!

Part one: No heartbeat.

We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.

I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.

E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.

When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.

We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.

When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.

We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:

• She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
• We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
• She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
• She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
• At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She  mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.

So, surgery is scheduled for Friday evening, nothing to eat or drink after 9 am and then things would be done.

E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.

The basics

The basics for now.

• Sadly the baby wasn't meant to stay with us and only measured 7w3d (2 days of growth) with no heartbeat.
• I am getting a D&C tomorrow evening and thankfully Dr. M will be performing the surgery
  

• We are absolutely crushed and don't understand why this is happening to us over and over again.
• A fertility specialist is next.

More later.

It's time!

I fully expect to be told that there's no heartbeat. I just know that's what will happen and it TERRIFIES me. Every other miscarriage was natural. The first was a complete shock and surprise. The others we tried to stay positive but they also took us by surprise.

I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...

Not a good feeling

I woke up this morning feeling as though something wasn't right. I can't explain it but it's made me feel anxious and nervous all morning. Then, shortly after waking up I started to feel as I normally do before Aunt Flow shows up: it's not cramps but there's definitely something going on in my uterus. It's an awful feeling.

I've tried really, really hard to remain optimistic throughout this pregnancy and with the exception of a few days, I have done really well. But right now it's getting tough.

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks based on LMP. Nugget was 7w1d last Thursday so theoretically she should be 8w1d WITH a heartbeat. I really hope everything is okay but I can't shake the feeling that I'll be going to see Ellen after my ultrasound to get a D&C scheduled.

Just a little over 24 hours. Go time, go!

Worry wort

Since meeting E, I found myself getting more and more excited about starting a family. I've always been excited about having kids but the fast few years I found myself getting really excited about pregnancy itself.

Fast forward to today and while I enjoy the idea of being pregnant, I can't actually enjoy the process. I worry and stress over every detail. For the past year, I've associated pregnancy with unhappiness since it always ends badly.

I've tried my hardest not to get too attached to this pregnancy (see, I still have trouble even saying the word baby freely) because I know if it ends badly I will again be crushed. That being said, I've found over the past couple of days that I'm getting used to the idea of actually being pregnant. There's actually a baby with a heartbeat (maybe) inside of me. I can thank Dr. M for that. That one little word (viable) really changed my perspective.

I'm begging God to not give us bad news on Thursday afternoon. Grow baby (and sac)! 3 days...

I AM a mom.

There are many difficult things about miscarriage, especially having multiple miscarriages and no live children. But I think for me, one of the most difficult aspects is my inner battle of whether or not I'm a mother.

Have I carried a child for nine months? No. Have I experienced the joy and love when holding my child for the first time? No. Have I woken up multiple times at night to feed my little one? No. The list goes on. That being said, I have carried multiple little ones, I have grieved the loss of three children, and I have worried countless hours about my children. Does that make me a mother? YES.

My first miscarriage happened last April which made May 11th an extremely difficult day for me.

Mother's Day.

To make matters worse, it was the day that we had planned to tell our parents that we were expecting as it was to be shortly before the end of the first trimester. I remember calling my mom and my sister to wish them a happy mother's day and made an excuse to have to quickly end the call. If I hadn't, I would've started to cry because I so badly wanted to be wished a happy mother's day, too.

E and I have been pretty private and quiet about our losses. There's a very limited number of people who know and we're certainly not posting on Facebook. I think a part of my struggle stems from this fact as so few people know that I am a mom which it makes me feel even less of a mom. But damn it, I am a mom! I may not have any little babies to show for it and I may not be sleep deprived, but I'm a mom. I have created four humans who unfortunately never got a to say a proper hello to the world, but it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mom.

I really hope that society begins to change its views on miscarriage because so many of us feel as if we need to hide in the shadows and not tell our stories. In addition we don't get recognized as mothers which makes the whole situation worse. So ladies who have miscarried and unfortunately still have no living children, take a few minutes to celebrate your version of motherhood and while you're at it celebrate your husband, boyfriend, or significant other because he is a father.

Viable?

Yesterday was the first time I heard the words "Your pregnancy is viable".

It was such an amazing feeling. It's all that I've wanted to hear for an entire year and my doctor finally said those words to me.

I'm still really nervous and not feeling completely optimistic but still hoping for the best!

6 more days.

Waiting is the worst 2.0

Sometimes I really don't understand how life can be so cruel.  I had come to terms with the fact that our precious little nugget had probably already passed and knew that E and I would make it through another loss together. We just had to get through the ultrasound. Hang on to your bootstraps ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one!

We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.

We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!

Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?

We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!

Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:

1. She is going to treat this as a viable pregnancy because there is a fetus and a strong heartbeat. Her philosophy is to not be so concerned with the sac size once the fetus is present and she's sticking with that. I agree with her, however, later in pregnancy doctors are concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, so why wouldn't they be concerned about it now, you know?  Anyway, I'm not a doctor.


2. She reminded me that not all pregnancies go exactly as spelled out in the textbooks, and that could just be the case with ours.


3. I asked if she thinks the progesterone is the only thing sustaining the pregnancy and she gave me an immediate "NO". She believes that if the pregnancy wasn't meant to survive, the progesterone wouldn't be enough to allow it to progress.


4. She suggested that we consider early pregnancy genetic counseling a little earlier than most. Based on my track record and the fact that we're not really following the textbook, she believes it would be best. I, of course, got nervous and shaky but she tried multiple times to reassure me that she doesn't think our baby has a higher chance than any other baby of having any issues. I didn't ask for specifics and because we've never been at this point before I don't know specific names of the tests, so bear with me. One test wouldn't happen until 10-12 (I think) weeks because it requires ultrasounds to look at specific body parts. The test that we could do right now is the progenity blood test which looks for the chances of the baby having trisomy 13, 18, and 21.

So that's where we're at. E and I discussed testing and I'll be honest, it was really scary thinking about it all and I got really overwhelmed. I know all parents have to decide if they'll do the testing but the fact that she brought it up makes me think that a small part of her believes that's the issue. E's initial response was no to testing, but after he heard my side, he changed his mind. The results wouldn't change our view in any way; it's still our baby, one that we've worked so hard for, and we would love him or her all the same. BUT, I would want to be able to prepare myself. If I only get to hold my baby in my arms for a few hours I want to know that our time is limited and drink up every last moment of it. BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. Right?

It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!

Waiting is the worst

It feels like we had our last ultrasound a lifetime ago and Thursday feels like it is still two lifetimes away! I don't feel pregnant anymore. Granted, I didn't feel overly pregnant last week either. Last week I randomly got my sore boobs, slight morning sickness, and tiredness back on Tuesday and it lasted through Thursday. But since waking up Friday morning, I haven't had much of anything. Today I had slight morning sickness for a few hours but that's it.

The waiting and uncertainty is almost unbearable. I'm having a very difficult time trying to go about my daily business not knowing if my baby is alive or dead.

I really hope we get some definitive answers on Thursday. Of course I'm still praying and hoping that we will see that a miracle has taken place and that the sac is now right on track, but I know the chances of that happening are extremely slim. It's so sad knowing that our little baby is so squished in his/her home.

Here's hoping today and tomorrow speed by!

Limbo

I've been having a tough time deciding if I should write this post now or wait. I've obviously decided to. We are 100% in limbo right now and it's an awful, agonizing experience.

We had our ultrasound Thursday morning. Right when the tech came in I started to get teary eyed and then the tears started to fall. She asked if I was okay and thankfully, Eric replied for me by saying that it's a scary experience for us because we haven't had much luck in the past. She started with an abdominal ultrasound and I knew right away there was nothing there. She asked how far along we were and then decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. When she walked out of the room, I turned to Eric and said "Game over." and started crying again.

I finally composed myself and the tech came back in to get started. It all happened fast, but right when she began, I saw a sac and I saw something in it. Then I looked closer and I could see flickering on the screen. WE HAVE A BABY WITH A HEARTBEAT. She mentioned that she saw the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat. I asked if we would hear the heartbeat and she said of course. She didn't seem overly happy, though, so I asked if everything looked all right. This was the same tech that we had during the last pregnancy so she said she wanted to be completely honest so that we wouldn't have any surprises. She gave us a 50-50 chance of this pregnancy being viable because the gestational sac looked very small. I asked if the heartbeat was okay and she said yes, it was 109bpm so it had probably just recently begun beating.
We have to go back next Thursday. Hopefully the sac will have caught up but if it not, we'll see one of two things: either the sac will not have grown substantially and the pregnancy will not be viable or the heart will have stopped beating.

No one has been able to give us a whole lot of information other than the baby was measuring 6w3d (6.4mm) and the sac measured 5w2d (7mm). Of course I started researching once I got home and I really wish that I hadn't. Based on the limited research of small sac syndrome, we have a 80-94% chance of losing this baby because the difference between the sac and CRL is less than 5mm.

We're crushed. It was our first time hearing any of our babies heartbeats and it was a game changer. Of course we loved all three of our previous babies, but it almost felt like we met this baby for the first time on Thursday. We're going to be devastated if we lose him/her. We've decided to try to not dwell too much on the negative but still be realistic. As Ellen said, "Prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best". That's what we're doing. I'm also trying to focus on showing this little one as much love as possible so that's all that he/she will have known if something bad does happen.

Now, I'll leave you with a picture of our sweet little one who we pray stays with us.