Well, here it is. Cycle day 1. I was starting to get nervous this morning because I hadn't started bleeding, I had zero cramping or bloating, and it was day 14 post ovulation. But Aunt Flow arrived right on time and as I was leaving the Children's Hospital (volunteering, don't worry!) I noticed that it started.
So far it's been a medium-ish flow and it hasn't been as painful as last cycle but there's still quite a bit of cramping going on. But I'm pleased that it's here. I called Dr. T's office immediately and got my sonohystogram set up for next Monday, cd 8. He had one appointment on Monday and I scooped it up since it's my day off. Win!
So now we wait again. I'm so anxious and ready to get going. Poor E has dealt with me talking almost non-stop about "when we get pregnant". Poor guy!
We have a couple of things to look forward to, though, that are completely unrelated to trying to conceive. E has a work trip to Columbus at the end of the month and I decided to join him because two of my best friends from college live there. Woohoo! AND we'll be going to visit his parents in Finland (they're there for about a year for his dad's job) and traveling around a bit.
I'll update next week!
September 14, 2015
August 26, 2015
A Little Good News
Since nothing can seem to go the way it should and since I freak out about everything nowadays, I thought we had another setback.
Since surgery, I had the wonky cycle (which I'm assuming was just anovulatory) and on top of that, each period has been extremely light. My most recent period was much shorter and much lighter than the others and I got nervous. My mind immediately started racing and I knew we were doomed because I must have scarring.
I called my doctor last Monday and still had no reply on Thursday. I assumed that it was a sign that I needed to move onto a specialist to find out for sure, so I made an appointment with Dr. T. at a highly regarded fertility center.
On Friday I finally got a response from my OB. She felt that the chances of me having scarring were slim and that my body is probably still working out all of the hormones. She also said it would be reasonable to do a hysteroscopy if I wanted or I could be referred to a specialist if I preferred that. Since I already had the appointment with the specialist I decided to keep that appointment.
Yesterday was my appointment and I was very pleased with the specialist. I told E that I was starting to get annoyed because I didn't get called back until 2:00, thirty minutes after my appointment, but after he spent 45 minutes discussing things with me, my annoyance was gone.
We went through my history and testing and he was very impressed with everything that my doctor had done. He recommended that I up my folate to 4mg/day and a couple of other supplements for the MTHFR. These were steps that I was already considering, so it was nice to be told to do it.
When it comes down to my shorter and lighter periods, he also thinks it's more than likely my body regulating. Although Dr. M. suggested the same, it was nice to have a specialist confirm her thoughts. He reminded me that I was on birth control for nearly two months straight, then estrogen, and progesterone. My body has been through a lot. He also said its possible that since the shape of my uterus is technically different, my period could just be different, too. When it comes to scarring, he said considering I had the catheter, the chances of my having any scarring are incredibly slim and it's something that he's never seen in all of his years of practicing. Again, it was nice to have Dr. M's thoughts seconded.
He did an ultrasound and found that my uterine lining was 7.4mm on cd10, which is good considering I'm nowhere near ovulating yet and they like to see the lining around 8mm at the time of ovulation. Dr. T put my mind at ease when he said if I had scarring I probably wouldn't have much lining building up, let alone 7.4 mm. He thought that everything looked great at this point.
He recommended that we do a sonohystogram next cycle to completely rule out scarring mostly just for my peace of mind. He also suggested egg quality testing as well as egg count, but I don't think I'll do that because I don't really believe it's necessary at this point.
What it comes down to is this: both Dr. M. and Dr. T. believe that I don't have scarring but Dr. T. wants to put me at ease so we'll do a sonohystogram next cycle. We can try this cycle if we want.
As always, our fingers are crossed tightly!
Since surgery, I had the wonky cycle (which I'm assuming was just anovulatory) and on top of that, each period has been extremely light. My most recent period was much shorter and much lighter than the others and I got nervous. My mind immediately started racing and I knew we were doomed because I must have scarring.
I called my doctor last Monday and still had no reply on Thursday. I assumed that it was a sign that I needed to move onto a specialist to find out for sure, so I made an appointment with Dr. T. at a highly regarded fertility center.
On Friday I finally got a response from my OB. She felt that the chances of me having scarring were slim and that my body is probably still working out all of the hormones. She also said it would be reasonable to do a hysteroscopy if I wanted or I could be referred to a specialist if I preferred that. Since I already had the appointment with the specialist I decided to keep that appointment.
Yesterday was my appointment and I was very pleased with the specialist. I told E that I was starting to get annoyed because I didn't get called back until 2:00, thirty minutes after my appointment, but after he spent 45 minutes discussing things with me, my annoyance was gone.
We went through my history and testing and he was very impressed with everything that my doctor had done. He recommended that I up my folate to 4mg/day and a couple of other supplements for the MTHFR. These were steps that I was already considering, so it was nice to be told to do it.
When it comes down to my shorter and lighter periods, he also thinks it's more than likely my body regulating. Although Dr. M. suggested the same, it was nice to have a specialist confirm her thoughts. He reminded me that I was on birth control for nearly two months straight, then estrogen, and progesterone. My body has been through a lot. He also said its possible that since the shape of my uterus is technically different, my period could just be different, too. When it comes to scarring, he said considering I had the catheter, the chances of my having any scarring are incredibly slim and it's something that he's never seen in all of his years of practicing. Again, it was nice to have Dr. M's thoughts seconded.
He did an ultrasound and found that my uterine lining was 7.4mm on cd10, which is good considering I'm nowhere near ovulating yet and they like to see the lining around 8mm at the time of ovulation. Dr. T put my mind at ease when he said if I had scarring I probably wouldn't have much lining building up, let alone 7.4 mm. He thought that everything looked great at this point.
He recommended that we do a sonohystogram next cycle to completely rule out scarring mostly just for my peace of mind. He also suggested egg quality testing as well as egg count, but I don't think I'll do that because I don't really believe it's necessary at this point.
What it comes down to is this: both Dr. M. and Dr. T. believe that I don't have scarring but Dr. T. wants to put me at ease so we'll do a sonohystogram next cycle. We can try this cycle if we want.
As always, our fingers are crossed tightly!
July 22, 2015
More Bloodwork
I heard back from one of the nurses today.
They want me to use ovulation tests starting at cycle day 10 and continue with then until I get a positive. Then, they want me to come in on cycle day 21 to check my progesterone levels to confirm that ovulation has occurred. She reminded me that a 12-14 day luteal phase is optimal for conception. I explained again how I came to the conclusion that mine wa so my 5 days last cycle and then asked if I should wait and see if I self-regulate this cycle and wait until the next. Her response was that Dr. M. wants me to take care of it this cycle so if there is an issue, we can take care of it sooner rather than later.
Sigh.
It makes me nervous. We had NO issues whatsoever getting pregnant before my resection. No, we haven't had issues post-surgery because we haven't tried yet, but in terrified of it becoming a reality. Fingers crossed everything just magically works itself out!
July 19, 2015
I Jinxed Myself.
Apparently I should've stayed away from this little blog because I completely jinxed myself.
Friday night, around 7pm, I went to use the restroom and much to my utter shock there was blood. Not just a little either. It was clear that I was beginning a light flow.
I walked out and just stared at E. He gave me that look of, "What happened, now??" and I told him. He obviously didn't understand until I explained that it was way, way too early. And I only had a 5 day luteal phase (again, much explanation was needed).
Now here's where my concern was coming from:
And with that, I think it's clear that we will not be trying for a baby this month.
Nothing. Ever. Goes. Smoothly.
Friday night, around 7pm, I went to use the restroom and much to my utter shock there was blood. Not just a little either. It was clear that I was beginning a light flow.
I walked out and just stared at E. He gave me that look of, "What happened, now??" and I told him. He obviously didn't understand until I explained that it was way, way too early. And I only had a 5 day luteal phase (again, much explanation was needed).
- Pre-surgery, my cycles ranged from 30-32 days and never any shorter or longer (unless pregnant). This was only a 25 cycle, and honestly, I could handle that.
- BUT, pre-surgery my luteal phase was ALWAYS 13 days (again, unless pregnant). In all of the months that I temped and used OPKs, it never strayed from 13 days. According to Fertility Friend, I only had a 5 DAY LUTEAL PHASE. Alarms went off and panic set in. I certainly know what a luteal phase that short means.
- I tried to calm myself and remind myself that my body has been through a lot in the past few months, so maybe that's why and it's just a wonky cycle. But then I committed a cardinal sin - I checked out Google. It seemed as though every story I came across, the women were lucky enough to have cycles identical to how they were pre-surgery. Commence total freak out.
And with that, I think it's clear that we will not be trying for a baby this month.
Nothing. Ever. Goes. Smoothly.
July 17, 2015
Life Lately
Wow. I can't believe it's been two whole months since I last wrote. To be honest, I haven't had much to say. But let's back up. First recovery:
My recovery went really well once the constipation issue was resolved. All my anxiety about having the catheter removed was for nothing! It was seriously the easiest thing ever. I told Dr. M that I was really nervous and anxious and she told me it would take two seconds. It wasn't painful AT ALL. There was a bit of pressure and then it was done. Fantastic! I did have to go on antibiotics for a week because my laparoscopic incision was slightly infected. No biggie.
Then six weeks later I went back for my follow up, follow up appointment. I was nervous because I started to spot and lightly bleed while still using the estrogen patches so she had me start the progesterone early. Well it was 5 or so days after stopping the progesterone that I had my appointment. I expressed my concerns about not having a bleed after stopping it and she said to give it another week. If I still didn't start, we would do 10 more days of the Provera.
On my way out, I asked for a copy of my records and the receptionist told me to take a seat as it would only take about 5 minutes. I told her it would be a fairly large file to which she responded, "That's what everyone says! Don't worry; it will only take a few minutes". Ok. So I sat. I waited and waited. And then I realized MY PERIOD JUST STARTED!! I've seriously never been so happy to have a period. It was like the receptionist knew, too! Right at that moment she brought out my file. She chuckled and told me I was right, it was pretty big.
I've never wanted time to pass quickly as much as I do now!
My recovery went really well once the constipation issue was resolved. All my anxiety about having the catheter removed was for nothing! It was seriously the easiest thing ever. I told Dr. M that I was really nervous and anxious and she told me it would take two seconds. It wasn't painful AT ALL. There was a bit of pressure and then it was done. Fantastic! I did have to go on antibiotics for a week because my laparoscopic incision was slightly infected. No biggie.
Then six weeks later I went back for my follow up, follow up appointment. I was nervous because I started to spot and lightly bleed while still using the estrogen patches so she had me start the progesterone early. Well it was 5 or so days after stopping the progesterone that I had my appointment. I expressed my concerns about not having a bleed after stopping it and she said to give it another week. If I still didn't start, we would do 10 more days of the Provera.
On my way out, I asked for a copy of my records and the receptionist told me to take a seat as it would only take about 5 minutes. I told her it would be a fairly large file to which she responded, "That's what everyone says! Don't worry; it will only take a few minutes". Ok. So I sat. I waited and waited. And then I realized MY PERIOD JUST STARTED!! I've seriously never been so happy to have a period. It was like the receptionist knew, too! Right at that moment she brought out my file. She chuckled and told me I was right, it was pretty big.
One year's worth of medical records and heartache. RIDICULOUS.
I also stopped to chat with Ellen. She made me promise that if we move before having a baby that we send pictures. She also told me that I can email her whenever I have questions, even if I'm no longer their patient. Nice!
Other than that, life has been fairly quiet lately. E and I went back to Michigan & Illinois last week and had a great time. We got to go up to the lake in Michigan and spend a couple of days with my parents. Then we went to visit with his parents in Illinois. We also decided that we're going to make a trip to visit them in Finland happen. I don't remember if I've mentioned it here, but his dad was sent to Finland for a year-ish and his mom is joining him for part of the time. So now it's time to save, save, save and then blow it all traveling :)
I'm really ready to start trying to conceive again and am having an inner dilemma about it. Dr. M said to wait 2-3 regular cycles. That looks like this:
- Provera bleed- June 22nd
- Regular Cycle 1- July 26ish
- Regular Cycle 2- August 28ish
- Regular Cycle 3- September 30ish
I've never wanted time to pass quickly as much as I do now!
May 17, 2015
The Awkwardness of Recovery
Fair warning: I'm not holding back on this post and there will definitely be TMI. I kindly ask you to pass along if you don't want to read it.
Overall the recovery has been pretty easier than I expected. Not much bleeding at all, whoop!
My biggest issue has been constipation. Between the anesthesia, pain medication, and poor food choices (I may have eaten a burger Tuesday night, Chinese food Wednesday night, and ICE CREAM!!! last night...whoops) I've been in a lot of pain. Thankfully I had some relief today but I am still cramping a lot and have had back pain.
I've had some major anxiety about the catheter. I'm sure it's really not that big of a deal to have it, but I'm terrified of accidentally removing it. I kind of got over my fear of accidentally pulling it out while sleeping after the second night. BUT, I've had a (probably) irrational fear that while dealing with the constipation, I'd accidentally force it out. It didn't help that the visible tubing between my upper thigh and where it inserts into my body is a bit longer and looser now. Fingers crossed I didn't screw it up somehow!
My teeny tiny abdominal incision from the laparoscopy has been a bit more troublesome than anticipated. I had a laparoscopy in high school, so the incision is right along the previous incision. I was really sore Thursday and Friday and E had to help me out of bed whenever I needed to use the restroom. Thankfully by Saturday, it was starting to get better and I was managing to get out of bed on my own. Today it's significantly better.
Tomorrow I go to have the catheter removed and that brings on a whole different anxiety. I'm scared. E is planning to go back to work (of course) but we're not sure how I'm going to feel afterward so he's trying to decide if he should take a half day off. I'm going to call in the morning to find out their advice. I'm probably just being a baby.
E is seriously the BEST husband on the planet. I knew that before this weekend, but he absolutely solidified that belief. He helped me out of bed, made me food, ran to the store multiple times, got me water, cleaned the house, got the oil changed in both of our cars, took care of the little puppy, and so much more. He's great!
Overall the recovery has been pretty easier than I expected. Not much bleeding at all, whoop!
My biggest issue has been constipation. Between the anesthesia, pain medication, and poor food choices (I may have eaten a burger Tuesday night, Chinese food Wednesday night, and ICE CREAM!!! last night...whoops) I've been in a lot of pain. Thankfully I had some relief today but I am still cramping a lot and have had back pain.
I've had some major anxiety about the catheter. I'm sure it's really not that big of a deal to have it, but I'm terrified of accidentally removing it. I kind of got over my fear of accidentally pulling it out while sleeping after the second night. BUT, I've had a (probably) irrational fear that while dealing with the constipation, I'd accidentally force it out. It didn't help that the visible tubing between my upper thigh and where it inserts into my body is a bit longer and looser now. Fingers crossed I didn't screw it up somehow!
My teeny tiny abdominal incision from the laparoscopy has been a bit more troublesome than anticipated. I had a laparoscopy in high school, so the incision is right along the previous incision. I was really sore Thursday and Friday and E had to help me out of bed whenever I needed to use the restroom. Thankfully by Saturday, it was starting to get better and I was managing to get out of bed on my own. Today it's significantly better.
Tomorrow I go to have the catheter removed and that brings on a whole different anxiety. I'm scared. E is planning to go back to work (of course) but we're not sure how I'm going to feel afterward so he's trying to decide if he should take a half day off. I'm going to call in the morning to find out their advice. I'm probably just being a baby.
E is seriously the BEST husband on the planet. I knew that before this weekend, but he absolutely solidified that belief. He helped me out of bed, made me food, ran to the store multiple times, got me water, cleaned the house, got the oil changed in both of our cars, took care of the little puppy, and so much more. He's great!
May 14, 2015
Good News All Around!
I'm so glad that I trusted Dr. M. As we got closer to surgery date I was secretly starting to have some doubts if the surgery was worth the money. After meeting with her on Monday I was seriously starting to doubt if we should go through with it. The images should have shown something, right? Thankfully I stuck with it!
I had a 3cm septum that was successfully (we believe, at least!) resected yesterday. I don't remember much of what Dr. M told me so this is all based on what E remembers. Let's hope he's right ;)
From my understanding, the surgery was on the longer end but they got great pictures (E was sure to let me know that he got to see the inside of my uterus...strange indeed!), they had to do the laparoscopy and they did resect the septum. E tried to explain what he saw in the pictures and it sounds like my uterus was a pinkish color (it looked like "meat" apparently...gross) whereas the septum was white in color which indicated that it wasn't getting blood or nutrient flow. He said that the after pictures showed the white gone and only a healthy looking uterus. Let's hope this did it for us!
I was in recovery for a while because I was in quite a bit of pain and was really nauseous. The recovery nurse was wonderful and I wish I remembered her name because I would love to send her a thank you card! Dr. M. came to speak with me and all I got out of that conversation was that there was a septum and they fixed it. The rest of the time the nurse had to deal with me crying and saying "I'm so thankful" over and over. She was a saint.
We got home around 4/4:30, I believe, and my sister stopped by quickly to drop off some flowers and a gift from her, my parents, and grandma. My nephew picked out the card and it is certainly a two-year old card. So cute!
Then I was pretty much off in la la land the rest of the night and slept. I woke up around 2am and was in and out until 5:30 when I woke E up. He got me a small breakfast and I took some more pain meds. Then it was back to sleep!
I'm actually feeling pretty well now. I'm trying to walk around a bit to hopefully keep the gas pains to a minimum and I haven't taken any pain medication since this morning. The most uncomfortable and awkward part is the catheter. It's not a traditional urine catheter, of course, so its strange to use the restroom. It just doesn't feel right. I feel bad because E has, once again, gotten quite an education with this surgery. He's such a good guy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him!
Right now, all of this uncomfortableness from the catheter and the slight pain is totally worth it and I truly am thankful. While it's going to be a while before we can start trying to conceive again, I'm glad that we're finally moving forward and may have finally found a solution.
I had a 3cm septum that was successfully (we believe, at least!) resected yesterday. I don't remember much of what Dr. M told me so this is all based on what E remembers. Let's hope he's right ;)
From my understanding, the surgery was on the longer end but they got great pictures (E was sure to let me know that he got to see the inside of my uterus...strange indeed!), they had to do the laparoscopy and they did resect the septum. E tried to explain what he saw in the pictures and it sounds like my uterus was a pinkish color (it looked like "meat" apparently...gross) whereas the septum was white in color which indicated that it wasn't getting blood or nutrient flow. He said that the after pictures showed the white gone and only a healthy looking uterus. Let's hope this did it for us!
I was in recovery for a while because I was in quite a bit of pain and was really nauseous. The recovery nurse was wonderful and I wish I remembered her name because I would love to send her a thank you card! Dr. M. came to speak with me and all I got out of that conversation was that there was a septum and they fixed it. The rest of the time the nurse had to deal with me crying and saying "I'm so thankful" over and over. She was a saint.
We got home around 4/4:30, I believe, and my sister stopped by quickly to drop off some flowers and a gift from her, my parents, and grandma. My nephew picked out the card and it is certainly a two-year old card. So cute!
Then I was pretty much off in la la land the rest of the night and slept. I woke up around 2am and was in and out until 5:30 when I woke E up. He got me a small breakfast and I took some more pain meds. Then it was back to sleep!
I'm actually feeling pretty well now. I'm trying to walk around a bit to hopefully keep the gas pains to a minimum and I haven't taken any pain medication since this morning. The most uncomfortable and awkward part is the catheter. It's not a traditional urine catheter, of course, so its strange to use the restroom. It just doesn't feel right. I feel bad because E has, once again, gotten quite an education with this surgery. He's such a good guy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him!
Right now, all of this uncomfortableness from the catheter and the slight pain is totally worth it and I truly am thankful. While it's going to be a while before we can start trying to conceive again, I'm glad that we're finally moving forward and may have finally found a solution.
May 13, 2015
The Start of a New Chapter?
Today's the day and I'm scared.
I met with Dr. M. on Monday and she solidified the idea in my head that this is an exploratory surgery. She still thinks there will be something to resect/fix, but she can't say that with certainty until she gets in there. So that means one of two things will happen:
I met with Dr. M. on Monday and she solidified the idea in my head that this is an exploratory surgery. She still thinks there will be something to resect/fix, but she can't say that with certainty until she gets in there. So that means one of two things will happen:
- If it ends up being just an arcuate uterus, there is nothing they can really do. In that case they'll take a ton of pictures and send me off to a Reproductive Endocrinologist armed with all of my pictures, blood work, chromosome analyses, etc.
- If it's a septum, they'll resect it and insert a balloon catheter. The catheter would be in for 5-6 days and it would be taken out in office. I would also take estrogen for a month followed by 10 days of progesterone which would bring on a bleed. We would then need to wait 3 cycles to ensure the lining builds up enough before trying to conceive again.
April 26, 2015
Grief, Strength, and Peace
Reminders for Finding Strength and Peace in Times of Grief
"So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. Do not let negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place. Carry on accordingly."
I used to visit the site Marc and Angel Hack Life every now and then for a little inspiration, but until today it had probably been a good year or so since I had checked it out. I'm pretty glad that I did.
The above quote was my favorite from the post and it hit close to home. RPL really has taken its toll on me: emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's changed the way I view life and I'm certainly not nearly as naive as I used to be.
I hope that soon I can find peace with everything that we've gone through and I can learn to steal back my sweetness. I may not be the same person as I was a year ago and that's okay. But I need to work to get the sweetness back because it's always been of my core characteristic and I want to steal back myself.
"So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. Do not let negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place. Carry on accordingly."
I used to visit the site Marc and Angel Hack Life every now and then for a little inspiration, but until today it had probably been a good year or so since I had checked it out. I'm pretty glad that I did.
The above quote was my favorite from the post and it hit close to home. RPL really has taken its toll on me: emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's changed the way I view life and I'm certainly not nearly as naive as I used to be.
"Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness"That's one that I need to remember. I think I've wrote here before about all of the experiences and feelings that RPL has robbed me of and how much it's changed me. But I shouldn't let it.
I hope that soon I can find peace with everything that we've gone through and I can learn to steal back my sweetness. I may not be the same person as I was a year ago and that's okay. But I need to work to get the sweetness back because it's always been of my core characteristic and I want to steal back myself.
April 21, 2015
We have a date!
I received a call from Ellen (nurse) this morning to answer my questions from yesterday. First and foremost, she said because I'm heterozygous A1298C MTHFR, I don't have to worry about any issues with birth control. So for now, I'm sticking with it and after surgery I'll probably try to avoid it just to be on the safe side.
Ellen also mentioned that Dr. M. wants me to take extra folate (Woohoo! That was one of the questions I forgot to ask!). Unfortunately she didn't have the exact amount, so I'll have to wait for a call back on that.
THEN...the moment I've been waiting for. My MRI results were in! She read me the long version and this is what I got from it: "arcuate uterus" "not a definitive septum" "surgery". Yup, surgery is happening folks. I appreciated the fact that Ellen admitted that she had no idea what an arcuate uterus was and put me on hold for a few minutes to do some quick research. She explained that it's similar to a uterine septum but much smaller. She also mentioned that while they don't see a definitive septum in the images, it's still possible that they'll find one when they go in for surgery. She left me with the expectation of a phone call about next steps sometime tomorrow since Dr. M. wasn't in the office today.
Of course I then visited Dr. Google and found a couple of encouraging tidbits. While it seems rather unclear if an arcuate uterus increases the chance of miscarriage, most research seems to recommend resecting the arcuate uterus if reccurent pregnancy loss has already occured. I also found a number of women who were diagnosed with an arcuate uterus via MRI only to find during surgery that they had in fact had a septum.
SO, I see this as A. a possibility that we will find a septum to fix. B. if there isn't a septum, at least she can resect the arcuate uterus. C. the arcuate uterus could still be our issue if there isn't enough blood/nutrient flow to the area and the babies keep implanting there.
Much to my surprise, I received a call from the doctors office this afternoon to get surgery scheduled. The only downfall is I found out how expensive it's going to be. I assumed it would be around $1200 but man oh man was I WAY, WAY off. I scheduled it anyway and decided that I would talk to E tonight and if I needed to cancel then I would.
E definitely had the same case of sticker shock that I did when I told him how much it was going to cost. After 30 seconds of silent pondering he said, "So we're basically spending x amount on an exploratory surgery?". I certainly didn't think of it that way but, yeah, he's right. His response to my "yes" is one of the reasons that I love him so much. "I don't want you to have to live through another miscarriage. Between the emotional and physical pain, it's not worth it. Even if nothing gets fixed, it will be worth spending the money because at least we tried." He's so selfless. I had to remind him that it's not just me going through the miscarriages but him as well.
So, it's decided.
Pre-op appointment: May 11th (and a little less money in our pocket)
Surgery: May 13th (and a lot less money in our pocket)
Post-op appointment: May 26th (and hopefully a good report)
And I'll leave you with this. Our fourth, and hopefully final, bear came in the mail late last week. Thanks Project B.E.A.R! (Ignore all of the clothing. I have them on a shelf with old clothes so I see them every morning and night)
Ellen also mentioned that Dr. M. wants me to take extra folate (Woohoo! That was one of the questions I forgot to ask!). Unfortunately she didn't have the exact amount, so I'll have to wait for a call back on that.
THEN...the moment I've been waiting for. My MRI results were in! She read me the long version and this is what I got from it: "arcuate uterus" "not a definitive septum" "surgery". Yup, surgery is happening folks. I appreciated the fact that Ellen admitted that she had no idea what an arcuate uterus was and put me on hold for a few minutes to do some quick research. She explained that it's similar to a uterine septum but much smaller. She also mentioned that while they don't see a definitive septum in the images, it's still possible that they'll find one when they go in for surgery. She left me with the expectation of a phone call about next steps sometime tomorrow since Dr. M. wasn't in the office today.
Of course I then visited Dr. Google and found a couple of encouraging tidbits. While it seems rather unclear if an arcuate uterus increases the chance of miscarriage, most research seems to recommend resecting the arcuate uterus if reccurent pregnancy loss has already occured. I also found a number of women who were diagnosed with an arcuate uterus via MRI only to find during surgery that they had in fact had a septum.
SO, I see this as A. a possibility that we will find a septum to fix. B. if there isn't a septum, at least she can resect the arcuate uterus. C. the arcuate uterus could still be our issue if there isn't enough blood/nutrient flow to the area and the babies keep implanting there.
Much to my surprise, I received a call from the doctors office this afternoon to get surgery scheduled. The only downfall is I found out how expensive it's going to be. I assumed it would be around $1200 but man oh man was I WAY, WAY off. I scheduled it anyway and decided that I would talk to E tonight and if I needed to cancel then I would.
E definitely had the same case of sticker shock that I did when I told him how much it was going to cost. After 30 seconds of silent pondering he said, "So we're basically spending x amount on an exploratory surgery?". I certainly didn't think of it that way but, yeah, he's right. His response to my "yes" is one of the reasons that I love him so much. "I don't want you to have to live through another miscarriage. Between the emotional and physical pain, it's not worth it. Even if nothing gets fixed, it will be worth spending the money because at least we tried." He's so selfless. I had to remind him that it's not just me going through the miscarriages but him as well.
So, it's decided.
Pre-op appointment: May 11th (and a little less money in our pocket)
Surgery: May 13th (and a lot less money in our pocket)
Post-op appointment: May 26th (and hopefully a good report)
And I'll leave you with this. Our fourth, and hopefully final, bear came in the mail late last week. Thanks Project B.E.A.R! (Ignore all of the clothing. I have them on a shelf with old clothes so I see them every morning and night)
April 19, 2015
Confusion
I'm officially confused and don't know where to go from here. For real.
First things first. I had my MRI on Friday and it was easy peezy compared to when I had one on my head. The only thing that threw me off was needing to get an IV. I didn't realize Dr. M. wanted a few images with contrast so it was unexpected. Thankfully she only had to poke me once. Unfortunately she had to dig around and I now have an awesome bruise.
The picture was taken Saturday morning but its much darker now. Yikes! But with that being my only battle wound, I really can't complain.
Onto the more interesting news. Dr. M. called this Saturday afternoon (I was shocked, too. Why is she calling on a Saturday?!). She said that all of my blood work was looking good so far. I asked about the Antithrombin III that the nurse told me was slightly elevated. Dr. M said it's nothing to worry about as it's usually an issue if you have decreased numbers. We'll just re-draw in 6 weeks.
She did, however, let me know that I am heterozygous for MTHFR. She quickly went on to let me know that it's nothing to be worried about because traditionally it was thought that both heterozygous and homozygous forms caused losses but now it's more commonly believed that it's only the homozygous mutation that causes losses. She said that I could continue the baby aspirin, but she doesn't believe this to be our problem. She also said that my homocysteine levels were "perfect". *More on this in a minute*
I also let her know that I had my MRI and asked when she expects to receive the images, which she believes should be this week. I asked if she thinks that surgery is still in the near future and she responded with an immediate "Yes". She said that she could feel something while doing the D&C and while the images during the diagnostic hysteroscopy weren't the best (because of all of the blood) she believes that she saw something as well. She, apparently, was ready to do the surgery after the ultrasound but had me do the MRI so that we can try to avoid a laparoscopic procedure. She wants the best view possible so that we will, hopefully, only have to do the hysteroscopy. But it sounds like maybe it will be in the next month or so.
Now, swinging back around to the MTHFR. I was actually the one who suggested that we test for it the day that we found out that nugget's heartbeat had died. I remember Dr. M. saying that MTHFR usually caused second trimester losses, but if it was something that I wanted to check, she was willing to. The reason I wanted to check? Because of my friend, A.
A had 7 losses, all in the first trimester. She finally found out that she had MTHFR and saw a hematologist who said that because she was heterozygous, there was no reason for her to be on a blood thinner. She was grasping at straws and a blood thinner was really her last resort, so her OB prescribed it for her throughout her next pregnancy. She ended up with a little boy who is now 1.
I texted her after speaking with Dr. M. and she thought it was crazy that Dr. M. didn't think this was an issue. We chatted a bit and then she asked if the doctor told me to stop my birth control pill immediately as it's very dangerous with MTHFR. Um, no. Apparently her doctor told her that he will never ever prescribe a birth control pill for her (and her IUD is hormone free) because it can cause even more clotting issues for those with MTHFR. I promised to call and ask Dr. M. about that on Monday.
Right now, I'm not 100% sure which route to follow but here's the thinking that E and I are going to run with (for the moment at least).
Fingers crossed Dr. M. gets the MRI images early this week and it actually SHOWS something!!
First things first. I had my MRI on Friday and it was easy peezy compared to when I had one on my head. The only thing that threw me off was needing to get an IV. I didn't realize Dr. M. wanted a few images with contrast so it was unexpected. Thankfully she only had to poke me once. Unfortunately she had to dig around and I now have an awesome bruise.
Onto the more interesting news. Dr. M. called this Saturday afternoon (I was shocked, too. Why is she calling on a Saturday?!). She said that all of my blood work was looking good so far. I asked about the Antithrombin III that the nurse told me was slightly elevated. Dr. M said it's nothing to worry about as it's usually an issue if you have decreased numbers. We'll just re-draw in 6 weeks.
She did, however, let me know that I am heterozygous for MTHFR. She quickly went on to let me know that it's nothing to be worried about because traditionally it was thought that both heterozygous and homozygous forms caused losses but now it's more commonly believed that it's only the homozygous mutation that causes losses. She said that I could continue the baby aspirin, but she doesn't believe this to be our problem. She also said that my homocysteine levels were "perfect". *More on this in a minute*
I also let her know that I had my MRI and asked when she expects to receive the images, which she believes should be this week. I asked if she thinks that surgery is still in the near future and she responded with an immediate "Yes". She said that she could feel something while doing the D&C and while the images during the diagnostic hysteroscopy weren't the best (because of all of the blood) she believes that she saw something as well. She, apparently, was ready to do the surgery after the ultrasound but had me do the MRI so that we can try to avoid a laparoscopic procedure. She wants the best view possible so that we will, hopefully, only have to do the hysteroscopy. But it sounds like maybe it will be in the next month or so.
Now, swinging back around to the MTHFR. I was actually the one who suggested that we test for it the day that we found out that nugget's heartbeat had died. I remember Dr. M. saying that MTHFR usually caused second trimester losses, but if it was something that I wanted to check, she was willing to. The reason I wanted to check? Because of my friend, A.
A had 7 losses, all in the first trimester. She finally found out that she had MTHFR and saw a hematologist who said that because she was heterozygous, there was no reason for her to be on a blood thinner. She was grasping at straws and a blood thinner was really her last resort, so her OB prescribed it for her throughout her next pregnancy. She ended up with a little boy who is now 1.
I texted her after speaking with Dr. M. and she thought it was crazy that Dr. M. didn't think this was an issue. We chatted a bit and then she asked if the doctor told me to stop my birth control pill immediately as it's very dangerous with MTHFR. Um, no. Apparently her doctor told her that he will never ever prescribe a birth control pill for her (and her IUD is hormone free) because it can cause even more clotting issues for those with MTHFR. I promised to call and ask Dr. M. about that on Monday.
Right now, I'm not 100% sure which route to follow but here's the thinking that E and I are going to run with (for the moment at least).
- Call Dr. M. on Monday to ask about birth control and ask if folate supplements are needed.
- Continue with the surgery route. The way I see it, if she goes in and does surgery and doesn't find anything, she's not going to scrape anything so I won't have any scaring. I would be out a couple hundreds of dollars and know one way or another. If she does find something, it gets fixed.
- Once surgery is done, I'll discuss with Dr. M. her beliefs on blood thinners, such as lovenox, for someone like me with heterozygous MTHFR. The limited research that I've done has shown mixed views. If I'm unhappy with her answer, I'll get a second opinion from a specialist and go from there.
Fingers crossed Dr. M. gets the MRI images early this week and it actually SHOWS something!!
April 15, 2015
23 Things...
23 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Pregnancy After Loss
A friend sent this blog post to me tonight. Perfection. I can't identify with all of them because I haven't reached all of the milestones, but there were so many that hit close to home. A couple of my favorites:
" 2. The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” "
" 3. You might consistently check for blood on your panties. It might sound strange, but having to go pee is a terrifying experience. Every time you pull down your pants you mentally prepare yourself to see spots of blood in your panties. There is no way around this. It just is. "
" 5. Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other child. It just does not work that way. Don’t let others expectations impact how you feel about your pregnancy and the child that died. It’s okay to not be okay. Actually, it’s probably normal. "
" 9. Anxiety around doctor’s appointments happens. Going to the doctor can be reassuring but it can also be scary because the doctor is often time the one who delivers bad news. It’s normal to get anxious about appointments, even women who have not experienced a loss, experience anxiety during appointments during pregnancy. "
" 15. Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again. However, whenever I noticed myself doing this I always told myself, “It’s going to hurt no matter what. It won’t hurt any less if I’m not connected to this baby, actually it might hurt more because I didn’t take the time to enjoy baby while they were here.” "
"17. You might experience PTSD. If your loss happened during pregnancy then going through another pregnancy can be traumatic. For me it was like reliving my trauma every minute of every day. I could not escape it and the closer I got to the delivery day the more my anxiety and triggers of my past trauma intensified. What helped me was working with a therapist and practicing loving kindness and compassion towards myself. "
Couldn't have said it better myself. I try, but nowadays whenever I'm pregnant, my anxiety is through the roof.
A friend sent this blog post to me tonight. Perfection. I can't identify with all of them because I haven't reached all of the milestones, but there were so many that hit close to home. A couple of my favorites:
" 2. The excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test may turn to indifference. It might sound strange, but when the pee stick had two lines instead of one, I didn’t jump up and down for joy. I actually stared at it in disbelief. First, I didn’t believe that I actually was pregnant again. Second, when I did let the realization that I was pregnant again sink in, it was as if fear decided to barge through the door. Anxiety swells up and all I could think of is “Do I really have to do this again” and “Can I really do this again?” "
" 3. You might consistently check for blood on your panties. It might sound strange, but having to go pee is a terrifying experience. Every time you pull down your pants you mentally prepare yourself to see spots of blood in your panties. There is no way around this. It just is. "
" 5. Others might want you to be ‘okay’ now that you are pregnant again, but this is far from the case. Just because you are pregnant again doesn’t mean that you have forgotten or gotten over the loss of your other child. It just does not work that way. Don’t let others expectations impact how you feel about your pregnancy and the child that died. It’s okay to not be okay. Actually, it’s probably normal. "
" 9. Anxiety around doctor’s appointments happens. Going to the doctor can be reassuring but it can also be scary because the doctor is often time the one who delivers bad news. It’s normal to get anxious about appointments, even women who have not experienced a loss, experience anxiety during appointments during pregnancy. "
" 15. Bonding with this baby may be challenging, but worth it. It’s scary to create a relationship with the bean growing inside of you because your past experience says, “Hey don’t get too attached, remember what happened last time.” And it’s normal to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again. However, whenever I noticed myself doing this I always told myself, “It’s going to hurt no matter what. It won’t hurt any less if I’m not connected to this baby, actually it might hurt more because I didn’t take the time to enjoy baby while they were here.” "
"17. You might experience PTSD. If your loss happened during pregnancy then going through another pregnancy can be traumatic. For me it was like reliving my trauma every minute of every day. I could not escape it and the closer I got to the delivery day the more my anxiety and triggers of my past trauma intensified. What helped me was working with a therapist and practicing loving kindness and compassion towards myself. "
Couldn't have said it better myself. I try, but nowadays whenever I'm pregnant, my anxiety is through the roof.
1 Year Angelversary
Today marks one year since we lost our first little angel. The first signs of a problem (declining HCG and brown spotting) started on April 11th, but the actual miscarriage was on the 15th.
If I would have told one year ago self where I would be today I would have called myself crazy and laughed. I can honestly say that I never, ever expected to be in this position. I don't think anyone every does expect it, but I really never imagined that I would be able to feel and deal with this much heartache, but I've survived.
E has 100% been my rock throughout the past year. I can't imagine and would never want anyone else by my side. He's been supportive, strong, and extremely compassionate. He deals with my random teary moments and my full blown, snotty pillow, messy situations like a champ and always knows how to make me feel better.
It's been a tough day, especially this morning, but there's still hope! Let's hope when we're looking back on April 15, 2014 next year, we'll be in a very different place in our lives!
If I would have told one year ago self where I would be today I would have called myself crazy and laughed. I can honestly say that I never, ever expected to be in this position. I don't think anyone every does expect it, but I really never imagined that I would be able to feel and deal with this much heartache, but I've survived.
E has 100% been my rock throughout the past year. I can't imagine and would never want anyone else by my side. He's been supportive, strong, and extremely compassionate. He deals with my random teary moments and my full blown, snotty pillow, messy situations like a champ and always knows how to make me feel better.
It's been a tough day, especially this morning, but there's still hope! Let's hope when we're looking back on April 15, 2014 next year, we'll be in a very different place in our lives!
April 13, 2015
Slowly moving forward
Well, I got my MRI scheduled. I think I answered about 30 questions while scheduling the appointment about my medical history. The scheduler mentioned that they needed pre-authorization from my insurance company and my doctor's office hadn't taken care of that. She scheduled me (tentatively) anyway for this Friday at 3:45.
I called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them to take care of that and finally heard back today. It's a go! Woohoo!
So now I get to wait some more.
In other news, I'm doing well with getting healthier. I started on March 30th but later that week I got a really bad cold. I ended up skipping my workouts for four days (I didn't think mixing working out with the inability to breath would be a good idea) and ate like crap. BUT I weighed myself and I'm still down 4.6 pounds since March 30th. Two weeks? Not terrible! I can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but I certainly feel better. It's really helping to keep me going.
Wednesday is, for a lack of a better term, a special day. April 15th marks the one year anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's already been a year and here we are with three more failed pregnancies and dwindling hope.
But I really am trying to stay positive! Hopefully this MRI will show what we need and we can move forward.
I called the doctor's office on Thursday and asked them to take care of that and finally heard back today. It's a go! Woohoo!
So now I get to wait some more.
In other news, I'm doing well with getting healthier. I started on March 30th but later that week I got a really bad cold. I ended up skipping my workouts for four days (I didn't think mixing working out with the inability to breath would be a good idea) and ate like crap. BUT I weighed myself and I'm still down 4.6 pounds since March 30th. Two weeks? Not terrible! I can't really see a difference when I look at myself, but I certainly feel better. It's really helping to keep me going.
Wednesday is, for a lack of a better term, a special day. April 15th marks the one year anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's already been a year and here we are with three more failed pregnancies and dwindling hope.
But I really am trying to stay positive! Hopefully this MRI will show what we need and we can move forward.
April 8, 2015
Next Step
I spoke with Dr. M yesterday and again today. Here's how the conversations went:
Yesterday
The good news is that E is chromosomally normal! Woohoo! She read the entire disclosure to me which states that this test isn't able to detect certain issues but she said those issues are very rare and he doesn't have any glaring chromosomal issues. I figured as much :)
We still don't have the pathology results. I had the surgery on March 13th, so hopefully we'll have them soon. A month's time is fast approaching!
I told her what the ultrasound tech and radiologist assistant had to say about my ultrasound. She didn't have the results yet but said that she was pretty confident that something is there. She mentioned that she could feel something during the D&C and saw what she thought was a septum during the diagnostic hysterocopy. I asked if what she saw could've been a "heart shaped" uterus and she said it was possible and was hoping that the images would give her a better idea.
She then shared a story of someone close to her who had had fertility issues. It really is amazing how personable she is and how wonderful she's been throughout this entire process. I'm so thankful!
Today
She received my ultrasound report and unfortunately, they came back as normal and she didn't get a good view. Now, I'll have to go for a MRI. Sigh. I heard from her office manager and was told that the radiologist should call within 24-48 hours. I figure if I don't hear back by tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably call. Clearly I'm good at waiting nowadays!
At this point I'm praying that I can get in for a MRI within the next week and a half, TOPS. This is torture!
Yesterday
The good news is that E is chromosomally normal! Woohoo! She read the entire disclosure to me which states that this test isn't able to detect certain issues but she said those issues are very rare and he doesn't have any glaring chromosomal issues. I figured as much :)
We still don't have the pathology results. I had the surgery on March 13th, so hopefully we'll have them soon. A month's time is fast approaching!
I told her what the ultrasound tech and radiologist assistant had to say about my ultrasound. She didn't have the results yet but said that she was pretty confident that something is there. She mentioned that she could feel something during the D&C and saw what she thought was a septum during the diagnostic hysterocopy. I asked if what she saw could've been a "heart shaped" uterus and she said it was possible and was hoping that the images would give her a better idea.
She then shared a story of someone close to her who had had fertility issues. It really is amazing how personable she is and how wonderful she's been throughout this entire process. I'm so thankful!
Today
She received my ultrasound report and unfortunately, they came back as normal and she didn't get a good view. Now, I'll have to go for a MRI. Sigh. I heard from her office manager and was told that the radiologist should call within 24-48 hours. I figure if I don't hear back by tomorrow afternoon, I'll probably call. Clearly I'm good at waiting nowadays!
At this point I'm praying that I can get in for a MRI within the next week and a half, TOPS. This is torture!
April 6, 2015
On the verge of waving the white flag
Today was a big day!
I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.
I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!
Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.
I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!
My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.
The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.
The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.
At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.
I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?
Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.
One of these days we will get a definitive answer!
I started out by going for my big blood draw for the ten million tests at 8am. Angel came back to get me around 8:10 and said that she had to get some extra vials from upstairs but didn't want me to sit in the waiting room wondering where she was. So instead I got to wait in the draw room. When she returned she mentioned that there was a test for which she had never drawn and she needed to find out what she needed so it would be a couple more minutes.
I think we finally got started around 8:35 and I was seriously scared by the amount of vials I saw. 26 vials and 20 minutes later, I was merrily on my way and surprisingly not feeling queasy at all. Woohoo!
Before I went back, Ellen came out to let me know that they had spoken with the pathology lab and they do in fact have the baby. YES! They told her that it typically takes 3-4 weeks to get the results so we should get them fairly soon I would think.
I killed some time by going to my favorite store, Target, and walked out spending only $10. Could this day get any better?!
My ultrasound appointments were at 10:30 and I was supposed to drink 16 ounces of water 30 minutes before the renal exam. I decided to drink it around 9:50 and arrived at the office at 10:00. I filled out my paperwork and was amazed to be called back immediately.
The ultrasound tech was really nice and explained exactly what would happen.
- The renal ultrasound would be first.
- She would perform a transvaginal ultrasound.
- The radiologist assistant would come in and they would do the hysterosonogram together. She explained the procedure and said that it would be mildly uncomfortable but I shouldn't experience too much pain. They would insert a speculum, insert the catheter into the cervix, insert the transvaginal wand, and finally, slowly insert the saline (wow, sorry for all of the inserts).
The hysterosonogram was NOT fun. I have some choice words for whoever came up with that idea because, wow. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain threshold, especially since I've experienced 3 natural miscarriages, one at 9 weeks. But holy cramps! They were intense and sharp and it killed every time they inserted the saline.
At the end they were very excited to let me know that they didn't see a septum. Wait, WHAT? Immediately the tears came a flowing. They were both very sweet and tried to reassure me that I could still have a septum, but maybe they weren't able to see it from that perspective and maybe a HSG would show it better. I tried to hold it together but it was tough and I don't think they're used to comforting someone because they don't have an issue. The tech also mentioned that the left side of my uterus didn't really fill, so maybe there's an issue on that side.
I walked out of the office feeling so defeated and on the verge of waving my tiny white flag. I really, really thought this was our issue and that by the end of April, it would be gone. Now, I know this doesn't 100% mean that I don't have a septum and we're back to square one, but come on! Can't anything be simple?
Dr. M should have the results in 48-72 hours so I'm hopeful that I'll hear back from her by Friday with the next steps. A big part of me hopes that because she saw the septum during the diagnostic hysteroscopy (I've learned so many big and intimidating words in the past year, by the way) maybe that will overrule this ultrasound and we'll still continue on with surgery soon. But the logical side of me knows that's not very realistic and we'll probably have to do some more tests first. Sigh.
One of these days we will get a definitive answer!
April 3, 2015
April Goals
I've decided that it will be much more effective for me to start making short-term goals because when I say "In 2015, I want to do 'X'" it's so far away that I seem to put it off too much. Instead I'm going to make some monthly goals. I'm starting out small in April (a couple of days late, too!!) but hopefully I'll work my way up to 4-5 goals each month. Here we go!
1. Workout 6 days a week.
I'm working on my fitness, y'all! I know I've mentioned it before but now that we're on baby making hiatus, I'm really trying to get to a healthier version of me. I really started the 21 day fix again on Monday and so far I've done well! With the exception of today (because I'm sick and can barely breath) I've worked out at least once if not twice a day. I hope to workout 6 days a week and hopefully twice a day, occasionally. When I have surgery, though, I'll obviously have to take a week or so off.
2. Get the carpet stretched.
When we moved into our house in 2013 (Wow! That was a long time ago!), the carpet in our dining room and in the upstairs hallway needed to be stretched. It's something that's always bothered me but we haven't taken the time to get it fixed. We WILL get it taken care of this month!
3. Fix car windshield.
Another fixer. Over a year ago I got a HUGE chip in my window and I had planned to get it fixed before the summer heat came. But I didn't. And it didn't get bigger in the heat. So I never fixed it. Whoops. This month I WILL take the time to get it fixed.
Let's see how I do!!
1. Workout 6 days a week.
I'm working on my fitness, y'all! I know I've mentioned it before but now that we're on baby making hiatus, I'm really trying to get to a healthier version of me. I really started the 21 day fix again on Monday and so far I've done well! With the exception of today (because I'm sick and can barely breath) I've worked out at least once if not twice a day. I hope to workout 6 days a week and hopefully twice a day, occasionally. When I have surgery, though, I'll obviously have to take a week or so off.
2. Get the carpet stretched.
When we moved into our house in 2013 (Wow! That was a long time ago!), the carpet in our dining room and in the upstairs hallway needed to be stretched. It's something that's always bothered me but we haven't taken the time to get it fixed. We WILL get it taken care of this month!
3. Fix car windshield.
Another fixer. Over a year ago I got a HUGE chip in my window and I had planned to get it fixed before the summer heat came. But I didn't. And it didn't get bigger in the heat. So I never fixed it. Whoops. This month I WILL take the time to get it fixed.
Let's see how I do!!
April 2, 2015
2!
I got my beta results today: 2! I asked the nurse if I was low enough to get all of the blood work taken care of next week but she didn't know. Hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow because I'd love to get it done Monday or Tuesday.
I also asked about the pathology results and they were still listed as "pending". Now I'm concerned. She said that she was going to have their medical records member call the hospital to try to get it figured out. If they're able to get any answers I'll hear back tomorrow. If not, I have a feeling that we're in trouble.
I really dislike waiting.
I also asked about the pathology results and they were still listed as "pending". Now I'm concerned. She said that she was going to have their medical records member call the hospital to try to get it figured out. If they're able to get any answers I'll hear back tomorrow. If not, I have a feeling that we're in trouble.
I really dislike waiting.
March 30, 2015
No news is NOT always good news.
Today was the day! I FINALLY had my post-D&C appointment and I was really looking forward to it. I was seriously giddy all morning.
I called E right after the appointment and summed up the appointment really well. "In true Crystal fashion, nothing can happen easily."
Here are the highlights:
Here's that saga:
Keep your fingers and toes crossed that the best case scenario is what becomes reality!!
I called E right after the appointment and summed up the appointment really well. "In true Crystal fashion, nothing can happen easily."
Here are the highlights:
- Dr. M is concerned because we don't have the pathology results from the baby. She was honest and said that we should've had them by now, she's put multiple calls into the lab and she still hasn't heard back. She's concerned that the lab may have lost the baby and no testing was done. Fingers crossed that isn't the case!
- She mentioned that if we do get the results, she believes they will show that the baby was chromosomally normal. This is where we transitioned to the septum. She said the septum was rather large (I think she said something to the extent of it taking up about 3/4 of the "endometrial area" or something). She believes that this pregnancy didn't survive because there wasn't enough room for the sac and baby to grow. She thinks it literally ran out of room.
- She's decided to do a hysterosonogram/saline infusion sonogram instead of the MRI. I was really excited when she told me the reason she decided on this. She said it typically takes 2-3 weeks for someone to get in for the MRI but the hysterosonogram could be done today! WOOHOO! Yes, please!
- She's going to get started on the surgery side of things (insurance, booking, etc.) in the meantime. The surgery will be performed by her and the senior doctor of the practice will be doing the ultrasound during the surgery. She's also booking me for a laparoscopic surgery just in case the ultrasound doesn't show everything well enough.
- After the surgery, we'll have to wait 2-3 cycles before trying again.
- She put me on birth control pills after the D&C so she said to continue them but to not take the placebo pills, just continue on with another pack. The purpose is to allow us to do the surgery right when we want. Apparently it's best to do the surgery soon after the start of a new cycle, so when we have the surgery scheduled, we can manipulate my period to allow for the best timing.
- She believes the septum is the issue and didn't think the additional blood tests were necessary. I asked if we could still do them because I want to cover all of our bases and she agreed.
Here's that saga:
- I went over, showed the receptionist my paperwork and asked if I could get in today because I was willing to wait (Dr. M has sent dozens of patients over and they were able to get in the same day). The receptionist informed me that they do the renal ultrasound there but not the other.
- I went back to Dr. M who tried calling over but she was put on hold for 10 minutes. So, she wrote "saline infusion ultrasound" on the paper and sent me over again. She said if she still insisted, we would find a different place because she wouldn't want them doing it.
- I returned to the radiologist and was told the same. Sigh. She told me I would have to go to office A for the hysterosonogram and office B for the renal ultrasound. Awesome.
- So I found my car and called the central scheduling office. That poor woman. She was probably so happy when she hung up with me.
- I told her the tests that I needed and also said I understood that I would need to go to two different places and that was fine. She put me on hold and then returned to the line after 5 or so minutes. She was happy to inform me that there was one office that had a tech who did renal ultrasounds and another who did the hysterosonogram and that they were in the office at the same time a few times a week. Perfect!
- She said the best time to do the saline ultrasound was between CD 7-11 so I would have to call back on CD 1 to get it scheduled. Uh oh. I explained my predicament (Dr. M wants me to continue with the BC pill and no placebos until surgery time). I ensured her that there was no chance of me being pregnant and that I would have my HCG results tomorrow. She seemed unsure but booked me anyway for next Monday. I gave her the date of my D&C and she said she would push the information onto the ultrasound tech. If the ultrasound tech is concerned or won't do the ultrasound then, I'll have to stop the birth control and call back on CD 1. AHHHH!
Keep your fingers and toes crossed that the best case scenario is what becomes reality!!
March 26, 2015
No Escape.
I just wrote about this. It makes me whiny. I could just delete my Facebook but I don't want to.
I just can't escape the pregnancy announcements. Seriously I think EVERYONE is having a baby in October except me. Not only is a girl from high school (who is now engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months because of the baby) but a girl that E and I both used to work with. I feel like I've moved on from being mad about the announcements (progress, y'all. Progress.) and I honestly am happy for them (especially the girl that we used to work with because she's an awesome mom to her two kids).
But it stings. It really, really stings.
I saw a psychic over the weekend and he told me that I need to stop playing the victim because that's the only way that I'm going to move on. I had to double check that I was speaking with a psychic and not a therapist. But he was right. I am playing the victim. That's what RPL does to us.
I'm really trying my best to let my anger flood from my body and I feel that the small gesture of liking her post and genuinely feeling happy for her shows that I'm working on it. But honestly? I don't think announcements will ever be comfortable until we get the opportunity to do so.
Before I never really wanted to announce a pregnancy on Facebook. My thoughts were that those who I wanted to know would know from talking to me and with so many things able to go wrong in those 9 months, it wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I think my thoughts have changed.
Now I can't wait until we get to announce a pregnancy. And I probably will do it on Facebook. Not only for the selfish reason of wanting to announce it to the world but also to give those who are secretly dealing with RPL or infertility. I want to tell them that we have "x" number of angels watching over our miracle and someday they'll be able to say the same.
We all will.
*Update*
Today's just not a good day. To add a tablespoonful of salt to injury, there was yet another October announcement tonight and a former student of mine posted that his sister, who is a junior in high school and is a former student of mine too, had a baby today. WTF universe? I must've really screwed up in a former life.
I just can't escape the pregnancy announcements. Seriously I think EVERYONE is having a baby in October except me. Not only is a girl from high school (who is now engaged to her boyfriend of 4 months because of the baby) but a girl that E and I both used to work with. I feel like I've moved on from being mad about the announcements (progress, y'all. Progress.) and I honestly am happy for them (especially the girl that we used to work with because she's an awesome mom to her two kids).
But it stings. It really, really stings.
I saw a psychic over the weekend and he told me that I need to stop playing the victim because that's the only way that I'm going to move on. I had to double check that I was speaking with a psychic and not a therapist. But he was right. I am playing the victim. That's what RPL does to us.
I'm really trying my best to let my anger flood from my body and I feel that the small gesture of liking her post and genuinely feeling happy for her shows that I'm working on it. But honestly? I don't think announcements will ever be comfortable until we get the opportunity to do so.
Before I never really wanted to announce a pregnancy on Facebook. My thoughts were that those who I wanted to know would know from talking to me and with so many things able to go wrong in those 9 months, it wasn't something that I wanted to do. But I think my thoughts have changed.
Now I can't wait until we get to announce a pregnancy. And I probably will do it on Facebook. Not only for the selfish reason of wanting to announce it to the world but also to give those who are secretly dealing with RPL or infertility. I want to tell them that we have "x" number of angels watching over our miracle and someday they'll be able to say the same.
We all will.
*Update*
Today's just not a good day. To add a tablespoonful of salt to injury, there was yet another October announcement tonight and a former student of mine posted that his sister, who is a junior in high school and is a former student of mine too, had a baby today. WTF universe? I must've really screwed up in a former life.
March 24, 2015
Due Date
Here I am.
Four failed pregnancies.
Currently not pregnant.
Actively trying to prevent pregnancy.
And today is the day that we should have welcomed our second little one to the world.
After our first pregnancy, I was so hopeful that I would be pregnant on bean #1's due date. Instead I was bleeding from my third miscarriage that had happened one week before.
Then I was hopeful that I would be pregnant for bean #2's due date. Nope. Instead our fourth little one had to be removed a week and a half ago on Friday the 13th.
I'm very, very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant for bean #3 and nugget's due dates with the same baby because that baby will be our miracle. July 4th and October 15th. I'm hopeful.
While I'm not doing anything in particular to celebrate bean #2 (well, I do plan to order a bear for nugget from Project B.E.A.R. today to sit with the three others), he/she has been and will continue to be on my mind today just like every other day.
Four failed pregnancies.
Currently not pregnant.
Actively trying to prevent pregnancy.
And today is the day that we should have welcomed our second little one to the world.
After our first pregnancy, I was so hopeful that I would be pregnant on bean #1's due date. Instead I was bleeding from my third miscarriage that had happened one week before.
Then I was hopeful that I would be pregnant for bean #2's due date. Nope. Instead our fourth little one had to be removed a week and a half ago on Friday the 13th.
I'm very, very hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be pregnant for bean #3 and nugget's due dates with the same baby because that baby will be our miracle. July 4th and October 15th. I'm hopeful.
While I'm not doing anything in particular to celebrate bean #2 (well, I do plan to order a bear for nugget from Project B.E.A.R. today to sit with the three others), he/she has been and will continue to be on my mind today just like every other day.
March 23, 2015
Squinter.
I really never thought that I'd be so happy to see my pregnancy test get so light.
I do have to admit that it wasn't first thing in the morning. It was taken around 9:30 am and I had already had a grande iced coffee. But still. I'm very hopeful that we'll be ready to rock and roll with blood testing next week.
We had a nice escape weekend. My in-laws came to town and while I didn't feel ready to entertain, it ended up being a very nice getaway. I was able to get my mind off things but also have a few nice chats with my mother-in-law about everything (some things get lost in translation when the hubs is involved ;) ).
We had a nice escape weekend. My in-laws came to town and while I didn't feel ready to entertain, it ended up being a very nice getaway. I was able to get my mind off things but also have a few nice chats with my mother-in-law about everything (some things get lost in translation when the hubs is involved ;) ).
March 20, 2015
Downward trend
I decided to take a pregnancy test today. My first blood draw won't be until March 30th and I wanted to get an idea of where I'm at.
I'm pleased. I half expected it to be darker after the month-long hell I went through with the last loss. I'm hoping that I'll get super lucky and my next blood draw will show a level < 5. That would be amazeballs!
My in-laws are coming into town today and they'll be here for a week. I'm kind of sad because I was secretly hoping that we'd be able to celebrate a new addition to the family while they were here, but obviously that's not the case. It still stinks. We're off to Sedona, Flagstaff, and the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Yes, I live in Phoenix. No, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. I'll check that off the list on Sunday!
Happy Friday!!
I'm pleased. I half expected it to be darker after the month-long hell I went through with the last loss. I'm hoping that I'll get super lucky and my next blood draw will show a level < 5. That would be amazeballs!
My in-laws are coming into town today and they'll be here for a week. I'm kind of sad because I was secretly hoping that we'd be able to celebrate a new addition to the family while they were here, but obviously that's not the case. It still stinks. We're off to Sedona, Flagstaff, and the Grand Canyon for the weekend. Yes, I live in Phoenix. No, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. I'll check that off the list on Sunday!
Happy Friday!!
March 19, 2015
One Week
Well, we've survived the first week since losing our angel. I suppose we technically lost him/her before that but it's been one week since we found out. What's happened in that week?
But we still have a lot of work to do.
- An awful and traumatizing ultrasound.
- Discussing our options with Dr. M.
- Discussing the next steps with Dr. M.
- A flu bug or working myself up so much that I made myself physically ill.
- 7 1/2 hours in the ER due to dehydration.
- Second guessing a D&C.
- Crying in the operating room and having Dr. M. comfort me.
- Having a D&C and sending off our little one to be tested.
- Finding a uterine septum.
- Countless tears.
- Many discussions with E about the future.
- Surviving a pregnant lady bumping into me with her very pregnant belly in the grocery store...2 days after surgery.
- Surviving a Facebook pregnancy announcement with a due date 16 days after our second angel should have been joining us.
- Hope.
But we still have a lot of work to do.
March 18, 2015
Jealousy is a witch
When we found out the bad news last week, I decided to
deactivate my Facebook account. There’s one person in particular who is a month
ahead of where I should be with our third little one and because she’s now in
her third trimester and is quickly approaching her due date, she’s posting A
LOT about her pregnancy. I knew that with our fourth loss I wouldn’t want to
see those posts, which is why I made my decision to deactivate.
By Monday I was feeling much better so I reactivated my
account and was happy to do so. It’s, of course, a great way to mindlessly keep
yourself busy when necessary. But yesterday? Yesterday was a rough day.
I decided to check in on Facebook to see what was new and
exciting in friends, family, and acquaintance’s lives and then I saw it. A
pregnancy announcement. Due July 20th. 16 days after our third
little one should have joined us. No. No. No. No. No.
Seeing those announcements are difficult in the first place
because I so BADLY want the opportunity to announce our joy, but we haven’t
gotten to yet. Then to see one so soon after my baby’s heart stopped beating
and so close to when his/her brother/sister should have born. It was too much.
I broke down. My nephew asked “Mimmy sad? Mimmy sad?”. Yes, buddy, I’m very
sad.
It’s something that still gives me issues in the coping
department. When I see those posts, sometimes I’m okay. But when they happen so
close to my fresh heartache, I instantly feel jealous, bitter, and sometimes
not happy for them. I know, it’s awful. I feel like a TERRIBLE person for
feeling that way let alone admitting to it.
I feel that RPL has stolen an incredible amount from me but
mostly its robbed me of whom I used to be. I used to be genuinely happy to
share in people’s joy when they found out they were expecting, even after our
first loss. I used to be so innocent and thought that starting a family would
be an exciting time. I used to think that pregnancy would be one of the most
joyful and fun experiences of my life. Sure you gain a lot of weight but you
have a miracle growing in you. Now pregnancy equals stress, anxiety, and worry.
Most importantly, I’m not the same person that I was before
experiencing RPL. Yes, I am stronger and I’ve learned to deal with the cards
that I’m dealt. But, now I’m also a jealous person, which I really wasn’t
before. It’s a difficult emotion to get used to. I’m also so much more
irritable.
I really hope that over the next few months, while we wait
to try to build a family, I can find different ways to deal with these emotions
and try not to let the jealousy get the best of me. I really would like to be
able to get back to where I used to be.
March 17, 2015
Control- I need you!
I’ve never been someone who likes control. Instead I’ve always been very passive and indecisive. Well, until we experienced repeat pregnancy loss.
Since our second loss, I’ve noticed that when it comes to getting pregnant I try to find control in strange places.
Now that E and I are stuck and are literally trying to prevent getting pregnant (which is a very confusing experience since we want a baby so badly), I again find that I’m lacking control in my life.
And now I’m ready to change.
I was doing well with getting healthier and losing weight in January but then I found out I was pregnant again. I don’t want to comfort myself this time with food. I want to comfort myself with a good stress outlet (working out) and fuel my body in preparation for another pregnancy in 6 months.
But I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I will NOT go to the gym because I don’t like others watching and judging me. I will be working out at home but need someone to help me stay accountable. I’m looking at you!
I’m starting a challenge group on March 30th to not only lose weight but to get healthy and I want YOU to join me! I did so well in my last challenge group (8 pounds and 18 inches) that I want to do it again and go EVEN FARTHER.
If you’re interested in getting healthy, no matter what the reason, let me know! Let’s do this together and meet our goals!
Send an email to: boikcm@gmail.com
Subject: GET HEALTHY!
Since our second loss, I’ve noticed that when it comes to getting pregnant I try to find control in strange places.
- During the two week wait I would obsess over every symptom and keep track of them all in three different TTC apps.
- At 9dpo, I would start testing, sometimes multiple times a day. I would squint my eyes and take pictures of every test hoping that I would see something on the darn test.
- When I found out I was pregnant, I would obsessively test to watch progression. I would again take millions of pictures to compare what they looked like against the test from the day before.
Now that E and I are stuck and are literally trying to prevent getting pregnant (which is a very confusing experience since we want a baby so badly), I again find that I’m lacking control in my life.
- I have no control over when we’ll be able to do testing because I have to wait for my HCG levels to go down.
- I have no control over when the MRI will be done because it will be dependent on when I can get scheduled.
- I have no control over when I will have my first appointment with a fertility specialist because it will be dependent on their schedule.
- I have no control over when I’ll be able to have the surgery on my uterine septum.
- While I have an idea of when we might be able to try to conceive again (maybe 5-6 months) I don’t really have any control over that either because there are so many factors in play.
And now I’m ready to change.
I was doing well with getting healthier and losing weight in January but then I found out I was pregnant again. I don’t want to comfort myself this time with food. I want to comfort myself with a good stress outlet (working out) and fuel my body in preparation for another pregnancy in 6 months.
But I can’t do this by myself. I need help. I will NOT go to the gym because I don’t like others watching and judging me. I will be working out at home but need someone to help me stay accountable. I’m looking at you!
I’m starting a challenge group on March 30th to not only lose weight but to get healthy and I want YOU to join me! I did so well in my last challenge group (8 pounds and 18 inches) that I want to do it again and go EVEN FARTHER.
If you’re interested in getting healthy, no matter what the reason, let me know! Let’s do this together and meet our goals!
Send an email to: boikcm@gmail.com
Subject: GET HEALTHY!
March 14, 2015
Part three...all done
At three, the ER nurse had registration come down to get me all checked in for the outpatient procedure which was very helpful. Once that was done she wheeled me up to the waiting room, again avoiding most people in the hospital. I was so thankful because I looked like a MESS.
We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.
My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.
Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.
Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.
I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.
When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.
Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.
We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.
At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.
I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.
Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.
We got back to the pre-op room within a few minutes and they got to work right away. At some point I had voiced my concerns and reservations about the procedure to E. I told him that I was nervous that maybe there was still a heartbeat and that we were making a mistake. I also mentioned that I still felt horrible that we were taking our baby out of me on purpose. He assured me that we were making the right choice because this might give us some answers and we also decided to ask Dr. M if there was 1,000% certainty that the baby had in fact passed.
My pre-op nurse came in and had to draw some blood for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh-) and unfortunately couldn't get anything out of the IV. After all of that I STILL had to be poked a second time. Just my luck! She was pretty good and it didn't hurt too much so that was good.
Next, the Anesthetist Nurse came back to chat about what would be happening. She was very personable and friendly and instantly helped ease my concerns. She promised to take good care of me and said that would be keeping a close eye on me. The anesthesiologist followed soon after and we discussed all of the necessities.
Once Dr. M arrived, Eric voiced our concerns about the heartbeat and she assured us that there wasn't one and this was still a good choice. While she didn't look over the ultrasound information, the fetal maternal specialist, who is much more experienced with ultrasonography, had reviewed everything and agreed. It made me feel a bit better. She ran through the risks of the procedure, answered our questions and then we were on our way.
I was so nervous going back to the room and was still second guessing our decision. But knowing that E was 100% on board as well made me feel a little better. We got to the OR and they immediately gave me a relaxer. As I slid onto the operating table I started to cry. It was an OR filled with women and there was so much girl power back there. They all tried to calm me down and the last two things that I remember were Dr. M giving me a hug and telling me that it would be okay. Then she wiped away my tears and I was out.
When I woke up, all I wanted was E. There was one other patient back there and the nurse told me that he would be leaving in a few minutes and then E could come back.
Dr. M talked to me and told me that the surgery went well and she had found a septum while doing the hysteroscopy. She had already given E all of the details so I went back to sleep.
We were home around 8/8:30. I ate some broth, drank some water, and slept SO well.
At this point, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm bleeding but not a ton and I feel good. I'm sure I still have some leftover meds that are making me feel better, but I am truly thankful for how I feel. I'm still going to take it easy today and hope to be able to help E clean the house up a bit tomorrow.
I'll have to call the office on Monday to find out exactly what the next steps are, but I'm assuming I'll have to go in next week for a follow up visit. E said that Dr. M wants to do a 3D ultrasound in 2-3 weeks to confirm the uterine septum. I am to be on birth control for a few months and in 8-9 weeks we will do the surgery to remove the septum. I would assume that we'll have to wait another cycle or two after that to start trying again, but it gives me hope that we still have a chance. Once my HCG is back to 0, she has a slew of more blood tests that she wants to run and she still wants E to get his blood drawn.
Even though I know that it's probably going to be a good 3-4 months before we can start trying again, that glimmer of hope is really keeping me optimistic. I hope this is the end of our heartache and that soon enough we will be parents, not just angel parents.
Part two
I went to sleep Thursday night around 8:30 and was awake by 10:30. I was feeling awful. I felt gassy and there was a lot of movement in my stomach. I felt nauseous and terrible. TMI ALERT!!
It's been a whirlwind, part one
The past two days have been a whirlwind. Truly. I'm going to break up the extremely long story into a couple of posts because there was so much information and I'm still trying to process it all!
Part one: No heartbeat.
We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.
I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.
E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.
When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.
We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.
When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.
We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:
E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.
Part one: No heartbeat.
We went for our ultrasound Thursday afternoon. We weren't sure if E was going to make it in time for the appointment because of crazy traffic, but thankfully the office was running a bit behind. E arrived (thank God) about two minutes before the called me back. Phew!
The next 6 or so minutes were 100% a roller coaster. We started with an abdominal ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw the sac and we saw the baby! To make things even better the sac looked GREAT! Definitely not a normal size sac, but there was substantially more fluid around baby. Woohoo! I didn't see a flicker but assumed it was because it was an abdominal ultrasound. The tech said that she thought there was a heartbeat but wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm.
I think I got undressed faster than I ever had in my life and then we had to wait for her to come back. It felt like forever. She came back in and we got started again. She was very quiet and I still didn't think that I saw a flicker. Then she said it. "Guys, I'm so sorry but I have bad news. There's no heartbeat." She showed us with the feature that shows movement that there was in fact no movement of the baby and no heart beating. She left us for a few minutes and to also run over to my doctor's office to see what they wanted me to do.
E and I just sat there, stunned. We couldn't believe it. We knew that there was a very large chance that this was going to happen, but we were still in shock.
When the tech came back, she ushered us to the doctors office. Thankfully it was 5pm by now so the building was pretty empty and there weren't too many people to see my tear streaked face.
We first spoke with Ellen for a little while and she gave us a kit in the even that I started to miscarry naturally before the D&C. She didn't think that it would happen considering that the sac was still growing, but gave it to us just in case. She left to find Dr. M and to get someone started on scheduling the surgery.
When Dr. M came in, she, as always, was so caring and compassionate and even had tears in her eyes. Not that I want anyone else to feel our pain, but it's nice to see how much she cares. We got surgery scheduled for Friday. She was to be in the office all day and couldn't be there until 5pm but considering that it would be her doing the surgery, we were more than willing to wait it out.
We started discussing our options from that point and put a small game plan together:
- She wanted E to go in Friday morning for blood work to look for chromosomal issues.
- We obviously would get the baby from the D&C and would do testing on the baby to see if there were any chromosomal issues.
- She said at this point she thinks it would be best to see a reproductive specialist. E and I had already discussed that we wanted to if this pregnancy didn't work out, and she is obviously on board with that. She said that we would try to do as much testing as we could so she can give them the information and they can just come up with a game plan rather than having to prolong things even more.
- She decided to also do a diagnostic hysteroscopy during the D&C to look at the shape and formation of my uterus and see if there was a septum.
- At this point she admitted to us that she thinks there may be some kind of chromosomal issue and we may have difficulty having children of our own. At that point I still listened and shook my head but didn't really take anything in. That whole "in one ear and out the other"? Yeah that's what happened. She mentioned IVF at one point but I couldn't tell you if she said it was or wasn't a possibility for us.
E and I went home, ate dinner, had a glass of wine and I went to bed.
March 12, 2015
The basics
The basics for now.
- Sadly the baby wasn't meant to stay with us and only measured 7w3d (2 days of growth) with no heartbeat.
- I am getting a D&C tomorrow evening and thankfully Dr. M will be performing the surgery
- We are absolutely crushed and don't understand why this is happening to us over and over again.
- A fertility specialist is next.
It's time!
I fully expect to be told that there's no heartbeat. I just know that's what will happen and it TERRIFIES me. Every other miscarriage was natural. The first was a complete shock and surprise. The others we tried to stay positive but they also took us by surprise.
I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...
I really, really don't want to have to hear the ultrasound tech tell me, "I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat." Let's hope that I get to update with better news this afternoon...
March 11, 2015
Not a good feeling
I woke up this morning feeling as though something wasn't right. I can't explain it but it's made me feel anxious and nervous all morning. Then, shortly after waking up I started to feel as I normally do before Aunt Flow shows up: it's not cramps but there's definitely something going on in my uterus. It's an awful feeling.
I've tried really, really hard to remain optimistic throughout this pregnancy and with the exception of a few days, I have done really well. But right now it's getting tough.
Tomorrow will be 9 weeks based on LMP. Nugget was 7w1d last Thursday so theoretically she should be 8w1d WITH a heartbeat. I really hope everything is okay but I can't shake the feeling that I'll be going to see Ellen after my ultrasound to get a D&C scheduled.
Just a little over 24 hours. Go time, go!
I've tried really, really hard to remain optimistic throughout this pregnancy and with the exception of a few days, I have done really well. But right now it's getting tough.
Tomorrow will be 9 weeks based on LMP. Nugget was 7w1d last Thursday so theoretically she should be 8w1d WITH a heartbeat. I really hope everything is okay but I can't shake the feeling that I'll be going to see Ellen after my ultrasound to get a D&C scheduled.
Just a little over 24 hours. Go time, go!
March 10, 2015
Worry wort
Since meeting E, I found myself getting more and more excited about starting a family. I've always been excited about having kids but the fast few years I found myself getting really excited about pregnancy itself.
Fast forward to today and while I enjoy the idea of being pregnant, I can't actually enjoy the process. I worry and stress over every detail. For the past year, I've associated pregnancy with unhappiness since it always ends badly.
I've tried my hardest not to get too attached to this pregnancy (see, I still have trouble even saying the word baby freely) because I know if it ends badly I will again be crushed. That being said, I've found over the past couple of days that I'm getting used to the idea of actually being pregnant. There's actually a baby with a heartbeat (maybe) inside of me. I can thank Dr. M for that. That one little word (viable) really changed my perspective.
I'm begging God to not give us bad news on Thursday afternoon. Grow baby (and sac)! 3 days...
March 8, 2015
I AM a mom.
There are many difficult things about miscarriage, especially having multiple miscarriages and no live children. But I think for me, one of the most difficult aspects is my inner battle of whether or not I'm a mother.
Have I carried a child for nine months? No. Have I experienced the joy and love when holding my child for the first time? No. Have I woken up multiple times at night to feed my little one? No. The list goes on. That being said, I have carried multiple little ones, I have grieved the loss of three children, and I have worried countless hours about my children. Does that make me a mother? YES.
My first miscarriage happened last April which made May 11th an extremely difficult day for me.
To make matters worse, it was the day that we had planned to tell our parents that we were expecting as it was to be shortly before the end of the first trimester. I remember calling my mom and my sister to wish them a happy mother's day and made an excuse to have to quickly end the call. If I hadn't, I would've started to cry because I so badly wanted to be wished a happy mother's day, too.
E and I have been pretty private and quiet about our losses. There's a very limited number of people who know and we're certainly not posting on Facebook. I think a part of my struggle stems from this fact as so few people know that I am a mom which it makes me feel even less of a mom. But damn it, I am a mom! I may not have any little babies to show for it and I may not be sleep deprived, but I'm a mom. I have created four humans who unfortunately never got a to say a proper hello to the world, but it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mom.
I really hope that society begins to change its views on miscarriage because so many of us feel as if we need to hide in the shadows and not tell our stories. In addition we don't get recognized as mothers which makes the whole situation worse. So ladies who have miscarried and unfortunately still have no living children, take a few minutes to celebrate your version of motherhood and while you're at it celebrate your husband, boyfriend, or significant other because he is a father.
Have I carried a child for nine months? No. Have I experienced the joy and love when holding my child for the first time? No. Have I woken up multiple times at night to feed my little one? No. The list goes on. That being said, I have carried multiple little ones, I have grieved the loss of three children, and I have worried countless hours about my children. Does that make me a mother? YES.
My first miscarriage happened last April which made May 11th an extremely difficult day for me.
Mother's Day.
To make matters worse, it was the day that we had planned to tell our parents that we were expecting as it was to be shortly before the end of the first trimester. I remember calling my mom and my sister to wish them a happy mother's day and made an excuse to have to quickly end the call. If I hadn't, I would've started to cry because I so badly wanted to be wished a happy mother's day, too.
E and I have been pretty private and quiet about our losses. There's a very limited number of people who know and we're certainly not posting on Facebook. I think a part of my struggle stems from this fact as so few people know that I am a mom which it makes me feel even less of a mom. But damn it, I am a mom! I may not have any little babies to show for it and I may not be sleep deprived, but I'm a mom. I have created four humans who unfortunately never got a to say a proper hello to the world, but it certainly doesn't make me any less of a mom.
I really hope that society begins to change its views on miscarriage because so many of us feel as if we need to hide in the shadows and not tell our stories. In addition we don't get recognized as mothers which makes the whole situation worse. So ladies who have miscarried and unfortunately still have no living children, take a few minutes to celebrate your version of motherhood and while you're at it celebrate your husband, boyfriend, or significant other because he is a father.
March 6, 2015
Viable?
Yesterday was the first time I heard the words "Your pregnancy is viable".
It was such an amazing feeling. It's all that I've wanted to hear for an entire year and my doctor finally said those words to me.
I'm still really nervous and not feeling completely optimistic but still hoping for the best!
6 more days.
It was such an amazing feeling. It's all that I've wanted to hear for an entire year and my doctor finally said those words to me.
I'm still really nervous and not feeling completely optimistic but still hoping for the best!
6 more days.
March 5, 2015
Waiting is the worst 2.0
Sometimes I really don't understand how life can be so cruel. I had come to terms with the fact that our precious little nugget had probably already passed and knew that E and I would make it through another loss together. We just had to get through the ultrasound. Hang on to your bootstraps ladies and gents, this is going to be a long one!
We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.
We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!
Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?
We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!
Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:
It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!
We waited for what seemed like F.O.R.E.V.E.R to get called back and when we did I was slightly disappointed that it wasn't the same tech as last week. In a confusing and challenging situation, consistency makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
When we got in the room she started by asking if the doctor had told us what we would probably see based on the low heart rate and small sac last week. I replied that I hadn't spoken with my doctor but spoke with the head nurse and had done research on my own so I knew we probably wouldn't see much. Now, I'm all for honesty and not giving false hope thanks to what we've been through, but you should still ensure that you deliver the news with some tact. She did not and it put a sour taste in my mouth.
We started with an abdominal ultrasound and she pushed really, really hard. I couldn't help but think that if the baby was still alive, she might kill it with her force. We didn't see anything and I looked to E and said "This can't be good" and the oh-so-wonderful tech muttered "Yeah, probably not." Thanks. We did the vaginal ultrasound and I'm truly surprised that she didn't tear any tissue out. Once she left the room, E even commented about her really digging in there. If only he knew how it felt!
Thankfully we saw baby again but I knew right away it was worse. Nugget's heart rate was a strong 133bpm and he/she measured 7w1d (10.1mm). The sac, on the other hand, didn't look so great. It measured 5w6d or 9.2mm (if I remember correctly). There was barely any fluid. Like almost none. See?
We left the ultrasound shocked and confused. We spoke with Ellen and Michelle at the doctor's office and they urged us to go back for an ultrasound in one week, rather than two. Ellen was our cheerleader. She came into the waiting room saying "I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD NEWS" and gave me a big hug. It was funny to see the looks that we got ;) She is definitely being our optimist and it is certainly welcomed. She also admitted that she had called over for the results before coming to get us and expressed her dislike for the tech. Glad it wasn't just me!
Then around lunch time my doctor called. Boy was I happy to hear from her. We haven't spoken since my last post-miscarriage appointment and while Ellen has been very attentive and helpful, the doctor has (understandably) been quieter. Here's what she said:
- She is going to treat this as a viable pregnancy because there is a fetus and a strong heartbeat. Her philosophy is to not be so concerned with the sac size once the fetus is present and she's sticking with that. I agree with her, however, later in pregnancy doctors are concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby, so why wouldn't they be concerned about it now, you know? Anyway, I'm not a doctor.
- She reminded me that not all pregnancies go exactly as spelled out in the textbooks, and that could just be the case with ours.
- I asked if she thinks the progesterone is the only thing sustaining the pregnancy and she gave me an immediate "NO". She believes that if the pregnancy wasn't meant to survive, the progesterone wouldn't be enough to allow it to progress.
- She suggested that we consider early pregnancy genetic counseling a little earlier than most. Based on my track record and the fact that we're not really following the textbook, she believes it would be best. I, of course, got nervous and shaky but she tried multiple times to reassure me that she doesn't think our baby has a higher chance than any other baby of having any issues. I didn't ask for specifics and because we've never been at this point before I don't know specific names of the tests, so bear with me. One test wouldn't happen until 10-12 (I think) weeks because it requires ultrasounds to look at specific body parts. The test that we could do right now is the progenity blood test which looks for the chances of the baby having trisomy 13, 18, and 21.
It's been such a long day and I'm sure this post is such a jumbled mess but it just goes along with how I'm feeling today!
March 3, 2015
Waiting is the worst
It feels like we had our last ultrasound a lifetime ago and Thursday feels like it is still two lifetimes away! I don't feel pregnant anymore. Granted, I didn't feel overly pregnant last week either. Last week I randomly got my sore boobs, slight morning sickness, and tiredness back on Tuesday and it lasted through Thursday. But since waking up Friday morning, I haven't had much of anything. Today I had slight morning sickness for a few hours but that's it.
The waiting and uncertainty is almost unbearable. I'm having a very difficult time trying to go about my daily business not knowing if my baby is alive or dead.
I really hope we get some definitive answers on Thursday. Of course I'm still praying and hoping that we will see that a miracle has taken place and that the sac is now right on track, but I know the chances of that happening are extremely slim. It's so sad knowing that our little baby is so squished in his/her home.
Here's hoping today and tomorrow speed by!
The waiting and uncertainty is almost unbearable. I'm having a very difficult time trying to go about my daily business not knowing if my baby is alive or dead.
I really hope we get some definitive answers on Thursday. Of course I'm still praying and hoping that we will see that a miracle has taken place and that the sac is now right on track, but I know the chances of that happening are extremely slim. It's so sad knowing that our little baby is so squished in his/her home.
Here's hoping today and tomorrow speed by!
March 1, 2015
Limbo
I've been having a tough time deciding if I should write this post now or wait. I've obviously decided to. We are 100% in limbo right now and it's an awful, agonizing experience.
We had our ultrasound Thursday morning. Right when the tech came in I started to get teary eyed and then the tears started to fall. She asked if I was okay and thankfully, Eric replied for me by saying that it's a scary experience for us because we haven't had much luck in the past. She started with an abdominal ultrasound and I knew right away there was nothing there. She asked how far along we were and then decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. When she walked out of the room, I turned to Eric and said "Game over." and started crying again.
I finally composed myself and the tech came back in to get started. It all happened fast, but right when she began, I saw a sac and I saw something in it. Then I looked closer and I could see flickering on the screen. WE HAVE A BABY WITH A HEARTBEAT. She mentioned that she saw the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat. I asked if we would hear the heartbeat and she said of course. She didn't seem overly happy, though, so I asked if everything looked all right. This was the same tech that we had during the last pregnancy so she said she wanted to be completely honest so that we wouldn't have any surprises. She gave us a 50-50 chance of this pregnancy being viable because the gestational sac looked very small. I asked if the heartbeat was okay and she said yes, it was 109bpm so it had probably just recently begun beating.
We have to go back next Thursday. Hopefully the sac will have caught up but if it not, we'll see one of two things: either the sac will not have grown substantially and the pregnancy will not be viable or the heart will have stopped beating.
No one has been able to give us a whole lot of information other than the baby was measuring 6w3d (6.4mm) and the sac measured 5w2d (7mm). Of course I started researching once I got home and I really wish that I hadn't. Based on the limited research of small sac syndrome, we have a 80-94% chance of losing this baby because the difference between the sac and CRL is less than 5mm.
We're crushed. It was our first time hearing any of our babies heartbeats and it was a game changer. Of course we loved all three of our previous babies, but it almost felt like we met this baby for the first time on Thursday. We're going to be devastated if we lose him/her. We've decided to try to not dwell too much on the negative but still be realistic. As Ellen said, "Prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best". That's what we're doing. I'm also trying to focus on showing this little one as much love as possible so that's all that he/she will have known if something bad does happen.
Now, I'll leave you with a picture of our sweet little one who we pray stays with us.
We had our ultrasound Thursday morning. Right when the tech came in I started to get teary eyed and then the tears started to fall. She asked if I was okay and thankfully, Eric replied for me by saying that it's a scary experience for us because we haven't had much luck in the past. She started with an abdominal ultrasound and I knew right away there was nothing there. She asked how far along we were and then decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. When she walked out of the room, I turned to Eric and said "Game over." and started crying again.
I finally composed myself and the tech came back in to get started. It all happened fast, but right when she began, I saw a sac and I saw something in it. Then I looked closer and I could see flickering on the screen. WE HAVE A BABY WITH A HEARTBEAT. She mentioned that she saw the sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and heartbeat. I asked if we would hear the heartbeat and she said of course. She didn't seem overly happy, though, so I asked if everything looked all right. This was the same tech that we had during the last pregnancy so she said she wanted to be completely honest so that we wouldn't have any surprises. She gave us a 50-50 chance of this pregnancy being viable because the gestational sac looked very small. I asked if the heartbeat was okay and she said yes, it was 109bpm so it had probably just recently begun beating.
We have to go back next Thursday. Hopefully the sac will have caught up but if it not, we'll see one of two things: either the sac will not have grown substantially and the pregnancy will not be viable or the heart will have stopped beating.
No one has been able to give us a whole lot of information other than the baby was measuring 6w3d (6.4mm) and the sac measured 5w2d (7mm). Of course I started researching once I got home and I really wish that I hadn't. Based on the limited research of small sac syndrome, we have a 80-94% chance of losing this baby because the difference between the sac and CRL is less than 5mm.
We're crushed. It was our first time hearing any of our babies heartbeats and it was a game changer. Of course we loved all three of our previous babies, but it almost felt like we met this baby for the first time on Thursday. We're going to be devastated if we lose him/her. We've decided to try to not dwell too much on the negative but still be realistic. As Ellen said, "Prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best". That's what we're doing. I'm also trying to focus on showing this little one as much love as possible so that's all that he/she will have known if something bad does happen.
Now, I'll leave you with a picture of our sweet little one who we pray stays with us.
February 23, 2015
Preparing for the worst
At 1:00 on Friday, I decided that if Ellen called me back I wasn't going to answer and I wasn't going to listen to her voicemail until Sunday night. We were leaving for Vegas with our friends and I didn't want to ruin my weekend if there was bad news.
Ellen never called and I tried to put my bad thoughts out of my mind for the weekend. We told our friends about the pregnancy and just asked that they keep it to themselves and not get too excited yet. We had a great time! E and I both won money, plus, I saw Britney Spears in concert. YES.
I called the doctor's office this morning and then waited around for the call back. Michelle, who I've only spoken with once or twice, called to let me know that my HCG last Thursday was 1410. 1410.
I'm trying not to give up completely yet, but deep down inside I know this is the end of the road. This is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I'm waiting for a call from the office that does ultrasounds. Hopefully they call this afternoon and I can get it set up for this week. I'm praying that it is a viable pregnancy and also that it is not ectopic.
Sigh.
Ellen never called and I tried to put my bad thoughts out of my mind for the weekend. We told our friends about the pregnancy and just asked that they keep it to themselves and not get too excited yet. We had a great time! E and I both won money, plus, I saw Britney Spears in concert. YES.
I called the doctor's office this morning and then waited around for the call back. Michelle, who I've only spoken with once or twice, called to let me know that my HCG last Thursday was 1410. 1410.
It's a little blurry, but clearly shows that we're fast approaching the danger zone. This is EXACTLY what happened with our last pregnancy. My numbers started off low, but they were doubling at an amazing rate (20-30 hours) and then slowly started to slow down until they drastically slowed.
I'm trying not to give up completely yet, but deep down inside I know this is the end of the road. This is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I'm waiting for a call from the office that does ultrasounds. Hopefully they call this afternoon and I can get it set up for this week. I'm praying that it is a viable pregnancy and also that it is not ectopic.
Sigh.
February 20, 2015
2-3
I took another one of those stupid Clear Blue Weeks Estimator tests and it still says 2-3. I should be well over 2,000 by now so I know the news that I receive in a few hours about my blood work from yesterday won't be good. Sigh. We really just can't catch a break.
I'm hoping that I'll get to speak with Ellen. When I spoke with her yesterday, we had planned to set up my ultrasound for next Thursday (7 weeks) but now I have a few things that I want to discuss.
I'm hoping that I'll get to speak with Ellen. When I spoke with her yesterday, we had planned to set up my ultrasound for next Thursday (7 weeks) but now I have a few things that I want to discuss.
- Do I even need to do that ultrasound?
- Should I continue to take the progesterone? We're going away this weekend so I'll keep taking it through Saturday night either way because I don't want something to happen while we're gone, but is it really worth continuing?
- Why us?
- If we can help it, I'd much rather have a D&C this time. I wanted one last time, but God and nature didn't allow for it. This time I would really prefer to have it done if possible. But that also gives me mixed feelings. Then I feel like I'm intentionally aborting a baby. I know that technically it isn't if the pregnancy isn't viable and I would miscarry eventually anyway, but part of me feels that way.
February 19, 2015
Progression
Below is my progression so far on Wondfo tests. The top is my test from yesterday, 23dpo. I'm glad to see some change.
My last blood draw was on Monday (2/16) which was 21dpo. I was supposed to go back on Friday (2/20) for my last draw but I asked to go in today instead. Ellen (my favorite nurse at the office) was very accomodating when I explained that I unexpectedly have the day off today so it would be easier to come in today.
I'm nervous. Really, really nervous. I'm afraid that my levels will have slowed tremendously just like the last time. I'm also really nervous for the ultrasound. I explained that my mom is in town until next Thursday and it would be easiest to have the ultrasound while she is still here so that she can watch my nephew. Theoretically, my levels should be WAY over 1500-3000 at that point and we should see something.
I'll have my latest draw results tomorrow and will update then.
My last blood draw was on Monday (2/16) which was 21dpo. I was supposed to go back on Friday (2/20) for my last draw but I asked to go in today instead. Ellen (my favorite nurse at the office) was very accomodating when I explained that I unexpectedly have the day off today so it would be easier to come in today.
I'm nervous. Really, really nervous. I'm afraid that my levels will have slowed tremendously just like the last time. I'm also really nervous for the ultrasound. I explained that my mom is in town until next Thursday and it would be easiest to have the ultrasound while she is still here so that she can watch my nephew. Theoretically, my levels should be WAY over 1500-3000 at that point and we should see something.
I'll have my latest draw results tomorrow and will update then.
February 17, 2015
#4
While waiting for my clotting results to come back, I got a crazy surprise. I'm currently pregnant for the fourth time since March 2014. As I told E, there aren't many women who can say they've been pregnant four times in a year! My sister gave me the nickname "Fertile Myrtle" when we told her. Sigh.
Now we can't do any of the clotting tests again until I am not pregnant. Obviously, I hope that means that we have a LONG time until we can do that testing but only time will tell!
So far, things are going okay. Dr. M wanted to put me on vaginal progesterone suppositories but unfortunately our insurance wasn't on board. Instead, I've been taking 100mg orally every night. I had one episode of spotting at 4w2d or 3w5d (assuming I ovulated on CD 19 like normal; we weren't trying or tracking this cycle) but it was only when I wiped and I haven't had anymore since. I'm really scared that the progesterone might be giving me false hope.
Ellen, my favorite nurse, asked how I wanted to approach this pregnancy and I decided that I wanted to do the same as the last pregnancy. Ensure that betas are doubling properly and then an early ultrasound once I hit 1,500. Here's where we're at:
2/4 (9dpo, the day I found out) at 10:45am = 10
2/6 (11dpo) at 10:00am = 34 (27.19 hours)
2/9 (14dpo) at 2:00pm = 93 (52.35 hours)
2/16 (21dpo) at 10:00 = 994 (47.98 hours)
Personally, I think they're low BUT with the exception of the 11 to 14dpo draw, they're doubling within 48 hours. My next draw will be this Friday but I won't get the results until next Monday. I feel like I'm in HELL.
I was telling my mom today that my biggest issue right now is control. I'm not a controlling person. In fact, I am extremely indecisive and would rather that everyone else make decisions for me. With that said, the last pregnancy and this one, I'm realizing that pregnancy tests are the only way for me to feel somewhat in control of what is happening. I promised E that I wouldn't test everyday like I did the last time. I've kept that promise because I'm not testing daily, but I'm certainly testing every other day and I am OBSESSING. It's so difficult when there is absolutely nothing that you can do.
When I got the call with my results this morning, I was hoping for at least 1,000 but knew that a proper double from last Monday would have been 1,116. When the nurse said 994, I was glad that we were at least close to 1,000.
We're remaining cautiously optimistic right now, but to be honest, I'm really trying not to get too attached. It's so difficult.
As for this blog, I'm hoping to continue documenting this pregnancy. After our last loss I threw out all of my pregnancy tests and deleted all of my beta levels and now I regret that. This time, I'm keeping it all right here!
Now we can't do any of the clotting tests again until I am not pregnant. Obviously, I hope that means that we have a LONG time until we can do that testing but only time will tell!
So far, things are going okay. Dr. M wanted to put me on vaginal progesterone suppositories but unfortunately our insurance wasn't on board. Instead, I've been taking 100mg orally every night. I had one episode of spotting at 4w2d or 3w5d (assuming I ovulated on CD 19 like normal; we weren't trying or tracking this cycle) but it was only when I wiped and I haven't had anymore since. I'm really scared that the progesterone might be giving me false hope.
Ellen, my favorite nurse, asked how I wanted to approach this pregnancy and I decided that I wanted to do the same as the last pregnancy. Ensure that betas are doubling properly and then an early ultrasound once I hit 1,500. Here's where we're at:
2/4 (9dpo, the day I found out) at 10:45am = 10
2/6 (11dpo) at 10:00am = 34 (27.19 hours)
2/9 (14dpo) at 2:00pm = 93 (52.35 hours)
2/16 (21dpo) at 10:00 = 994 (47.98 hours)
Personally, I think they're low BUT with the exception of the 11 to 14dpo draw, they're doubling within 48 hours. My next draw will be this Friday but I won't get the results until next Monday. I feel like I'm in HELL.
I was telling my mom today that my biggest issue right now is control. I'm not a controlling person. In fact, I am extremely indecisive and would rather that everyone else make decisions for me. With that said, the last pregnancy and this one, I'm realizing that pregnancy tests are the only way for me to feel somewhat in control of what is happening. I promised E that I wouldn't test everyday like I did the last time. I've kept that promise because I'm not testing daily, but I'm certainly testing every other day and I am OBSESSING. It's so difficult when there is absolutely nothing that you can do.
When I got the call with my results this morning, I was hoping for at least 1,000 but knew that a proper double from last Monday would have been 1,116. When the nurse said 994, I was glad that we were at least close to 1,000.
We're remaining cautiously optimistic right now, but to be honest, I'm really trying not to get too attached. It's so difficult.
As for this blog, I'm hoping to continue documenting this pregnancy. After our last loss I threw out all of my pregnancy tests and deleted all of my beta levels and now I regret that. This time, I'm keeping it all right here!
Testing.
At my post-miscarriage appointment, Dr. M and I discussed our next steps. Game plan in hand, I felt much more optimistic. It included:
1. Re-test my thyroid.
2. Test for a handful of clotting disorders.
3. Karyotype testing of both E and I.
4. Check out my uterus to look for a septum.
She also said that she would be more than happy to refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist if I wanted, but E and I decided that we weren't quite ready for that yet.
My thyroid, once again, came back normal so we moved on to clotting testing. This turned out to be a nightmare. Once I got the list of tests (anticardiolipin antibody, anti lupus antibody, beta 2 glycoprotein, protein c activity, protein s activity, antithrombin III gene mutation, prothrombin gene mutation) I received the "OK" from our insurance company and had my 13 vials of blood sucked from my body. Seriously, I was concerned about driving because I've never had that much blood taken before!
The antilupus antibody, protein c activity, and protein s activity all came back normal. The others, well, who knows. There was some kind of miscommunication with the lab and the rest of the samples were lost.
More on this in the next post!
1. Re-test my thyroid.
2. Test for a handful of clotting disorders.
3. Karyotype testing of both E and I.
4. Check out my uterus to look for a septum.
She also said that she would be more than happy to refer me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist if I wanted, but E and I decided that we weren't quite ready for that yet.
My thyroid, once again, came back normal so we moved on to clotting testing. This turned out to be a nightmare. Once I got the list of tests (anticardiolipin antibody, anti lupus antibody, beta 2 glycoprotein, protein c activity, protein s activity, antithrombin III gene mutation, prothrombin gene mutation) I received the "OK" from our insurance company and had my 13 vials of blood sucked from my body. Seriously, I was concerned about driving because I've never had that much blood taken before!
The antilupus antibody, protein c activity, and protein s activity all came back normal. The others, well, who knows. There was some kind of miscommunication with the lab and the rest of the samples were lost.
More on this in the next post!
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